The Great Wide Open

Two Years In, A Lifetime To Go

2011-12-19T16:38:00.000-08:00

It’s hard to believe that two years ago, on December 13th, I gave birth to my son Reed. Two years is not very long ago in the grand scheme of things, but I like to think that I’m starting to establish my own traditions in how I celebrate this event. Even though it’s his birthday, I seem to think that I get to celebrate by treating myself to something somehow. Maybe it’s because of the connection I still feel towards him; if he celebrates I celebrate, even if I’m on the other side of the planet. This year the date happened to coincide with what also happened to be the most practical date for our new house warming party, so it really did feel celebratory. That morning I made one of my favorite desserts, a raw vegan version of a key lime pie (made pretty much with avocados, coconut, honey and lime, with a crushed macadamia nut crust… delicious and full of vitamins- yes! Low calorie- far from it) for his birthday cake, I wore the earrings that my friend Shelley gave me as a special gift when I was pregnant with him, listened to my “Reed” playlist of songs I sang to him when I was pregnant with him and now to myself when I think about him, and looked forward all day to the Skype date I had with him and Maura that night. I worked that evening and when I came home there were already friends over for the party, but I went up to my room for our date. It is so fun to see him, and Maura is fantastic at following him around with the camera so that even when just she and I are having an adult conversation, I get to see and observe him the whole time. How thoughtful she is to intuitively know that that’s exactly what I need! He did all sorts of cute things, like making his giant toy lobster get my nose and we would touch foreheads against the camera which he thought was particularly fun. He also showed me his sofa gymnastics and how fast he could run through the living room, trying to imitate Doug’s apparently show-stopping sideways slide on the slick wood floors. As entertaining and interactive as he was on the computer screen, I cannot wait to see him in person!

Towards the end of the conversation, I took my computer downstairs to where the party was happening, took out the pie with two lit candles, and we all sang happy birthday to him. He even blew out the candles on the computer screen. All of my friends of course commented on how adorable he is, which I know is obligation when your friends show off their kids, but I still like to think there is some genuine truth to it and I’m not just being completely biased when I swoon over those blond curly locks and that charming smile.

I’ve always tried to be open and honest about my experience with Reed, but putting him out in front of my friends so they could sing happy birthday to him brought it to a new level. While I don’t go around broadcasting it to strangers, I talk about him in casual conversation as I do any other member of my family; he is nothing for me to hide and I do not feel the need or desire to. When I first decided to place him for adoption I knew that it wasn’t anything I felt ashamed or embarrassed of, and didn’t think I should be. It’s true that at the time when I first found out I was pregnant I didn’t want it to happen, but now when I look back, if I had the choice to do anything different, even not getting pregnant in the first place, I wouldn’t change a thing. This is a really hard thing for most people to understand, and lately, as he has come up in conversation quite a bit in the past few weeks, I realize more and more that people don’t really need to understand.

I tend to think that I have to justify myself sometimes, to convince someone that what I did was what I really needed to do. Reasons start to come out, like I didn’t have a house, a stable job, insurance, a bed, more than two suitcases full of belongings, and I wasn’t in a lasting relationship with his birth father (though I always want to put in the disclaimer that Bill still continues to be a supportive birth dad to Reed and a close and cherished friend to me). However, the truth is that none of these things really warrant someone giving up their child. If a woman came to me with all of those same difficulties (which for me, they weren’t difficulties, they were just a regular part of the lifestyle I loved) and said she was pregnant and asked my advice, I would tell her that if she wasn’t completely convinced that this was the right thing to do, than she shouldn’t do it. I could have kept Reed, I could have moved in with one of my parents, I could have gotten two jobs and worked hard for the both of us, I could have tried to make something work with Bill. If I had decided on any of those roads, I would have had plenty of support from friends and family, and though it wouldn’t have been easy or ideal, we could have made it work somehow, as many single parents have done for thousands of years past and will continue to do so. I guess this is the part that’s hard for people to understand: I didn’t want to make it work, it wouldn't have been right, I would have had to force a lot of things that I didn't believe was the right thing to do. It wouldn't have been good for me or for him, and while many say that the best thing for a child is to stay with his mother, if that mother isn't doing what she truly feels is right by keeping that child than I don't agree. I just can’t explain how much I knew from the beginning that he belonged to someone else, and how I could love him so deeply and intensely while being so comfortable and at peace with giving him up.

But what I’ve realized more and more, especially this week, is that people don’t need to understand. Maybe they shouldn’t. I don’t think a mother needs to understand how someone else could give up their child when that mother has the light of her life in her arms and couldn’t imagine herself without him/her. She shouldn’t be able to easily identify with going through the laboring process after nourishing a life inside of her and then placing the fruit of that labor willingly into someone else’s care, giving him to someone else to love. A person, woman or man, who wants to have a family at some point or perhaps is trying to have one shouldn’t be able to relate to the feeling of preparing for the birth of a child while planning on giving it away. It’s not normal or natural, and I’ll be the first to admit it.

When I made the decision to be open about our open adoption, I knew it would bring out slew of varying reactions. Since I’ve been particularly up front about it this past week, I’ve had hugs, tears, and lots of questions as I’ve related my story. Honestly, I love the questions. “How? How could you give up your own son? What a child needs most is his mother,” a good friend said to me. I wasn’t offended at all, I appreciated her honesty and it was a genuine, mutually respectful conversation. I wish some of the people closest to me would be honest with the questions and doubts they have, because I know they are there. “What are you going to say to him when he’s older and is asking why?” “How is his mother suppose to feel confident in being his mother when you are still openly calling him your son?” “How can you be 100% convinced that you did the right thing, because I’m not sure you did.” Thank God for friends like that! (Or thank God for the consumption of a little liquid conversational lubricant which may or may not have been consumed during some of these conversations) These were not attacks like I’ve experienced before, they were questions asked while holding my hand, in conversations of mutual self disclosure and honesty, and often ended with hugs.

I’ve thought more about conversations I may have with Reed when he’s older and we really start to have conversations about the big WHY question. First of all, I hope that throughout his whole life we’ll have an open stream of dialogue so that nothing will creep up unexpected for him or me. I think he will always have a general sense of ‘why,’ but at some point of course he will become more in tune with his heart, which I hope will make him want to know more about other’s hearts, more about my heart. And then I’ll tell him, “Reed, the reason I gave you to them was because my heart told me to. I knew I loved you and always would, and my heart told me that there was a way to continue loving you, for us to still be a part of each other’s lives, even while it was telling me that you had a different mother waiting for you. If you know one thing about me, know this, that I have loved you from the beginning more than I’ve loved anything or anyone. And if you learn one thing in your life from me, I hope it will be this: that you should always follow your heart, even when no one in the world understands.”

I don’t ever want to shy away from questions about Reed, or why or what will happen or what do I think now. The ‘hard’ questions are the ones which make me think about him more, and I welcome that. Two years is a short time, and I by no means have everything figured out yet. I’m still learning how he is a part of my life and what role we play in each other’s. We (Maura, me, Doug and Bill) are all still learning about each other and how we somehow make a family, extended as it may be. Hopefully I have a long time coming to contemplate these questions and for many more people, including Reed, to ask them.

My Interview With Another Birth Mother

2011-11-17T08:29:00.000-08:00

If you have read any of my posts, you'll know that I sometimes base my topics on questions from a site called "Open Adoption Roundtable", a community of birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees who blog about whatever side of the adoption spectrum they're on. When I was pregnant and reading whatever I could find about open adoption, I stumbled across an interview project set up through this forum, which paired different bloggers together to interview and post each other's Q&A's on their individual blog sites. Well now I'm excited to be a participant in this project, and I was paired with Amy, who is a birth mother of a 7 year old daughter. This was the first time I've ever spoken or had any communication with another birth parent involved in an open adoption, so I was pretty excited to ask some questions. My hardest problem was getting the number of questions down to an amount feasible for a married, busy, hard working university student like Amy to tackle. So without further adieu, here's my interview with Amy.

(If you want to read my answers to Amy's questions, visit her blog, http://www.amyrschumaker.com/)

Answers to questions:

1. What were your preconceived notions about adoption or open adoption before you became pregnant?
a. I did have preconceived notions about adoption before I became pregnant. I had friends growing up who were adopted and they both didn’t know who their birth-families were. I always asked them if they would want to know and one said, “NO” whereas the other one said she wished she could know her birthmother, only to have the chance to thank her for giving her a good life. Before I became pregnant, I never thought I would be one of “those” women who would enter that kind of life. I also thought that the women who placed their children into adoption were addicted to drugs or where just bad parents who had their children taken away from them.

2. How did you go about choosing the parents for your daughter?
a. I went through an agency to choose Kaylee’s parents. I wanted to go through an agency since I knew they would have a better idea on what to do rather than rely on a blood thirsty lawyer who just wants another case off of their desk. My adoption counselor, Amy D. (yes her name was Amy as well), gave me a book of probably 50 prospective families that were through the agency. I took the book home and knew I had to do this in a systematic way. I read through the book and chose my top five, and then my mom read through the same book. We came back together and told each other our top five. The crazy thing is that we choose the same exact families! I was looking for a family who didn’t have children already, who had the same religious beliefs, and who were outgoing. I contacted my adoption counselor to let her know which families I had chosen and was told to choose three families from this narrowed list. I was then given full detailed profiles about each family. Once again, my mom and I choose our top three separately and found that we had chosen the top three. We called Amy to let her know and she had said that one of the families was already in process with another birthmother. So out of the two that were left we chose the next favorite. We met a week later and I just “knew” that they were going to be the parents of Lil Miss who was growing inside of me. Since I didn’t have a name for her, I started calling her Lil Miss to help me not extremely attached.

3. Why did you decide on open adoption rather than a traditional closed adoption?
a. Kaylee’s birth-father actually sent me the site to the agency that I chose to go through. It was an agency that specialized in open adoption. I felt like this was the best way to go since I wanted to know where she was and that she was living a good life. I read up on all the different options that were out in the adoption world, and open adoption seemed like the best option.

4. I don’t know how your decision to place came about or what your situation was in choosing her parents, so this question may not apply to you.
a. But if you were on a search for adoptive parents, what kind of reaction were you met with from potential candidates towards openness?
i. The only potential family that I met was Kaylee’s parents. I knew the minute I walked into the counseling conference room that they would be the ones who would parent her. They were so much like myself and the birth-father.

5. What is your relationship with her parents like now? Do you have established rules of etiquette for communication/visitation?
a. The relationship with her parents now is on the positive side. We are all very busy and so over the years, the constant communication has dropped off. I will admit that I am slow at getting presents out on time or even cards. I use to be really good at that, but then when I got married, things started to slip.

b. We had established an open adoption agreement before she was born. The agreement was to have 4 visits per year until the age of 5 years old and then 2 times a year after that until the age of 18 years old. This went along same lines for any other type of communication (email, letters, pictures, phone calls, etc.). Even though we established those rules…they are really just ground rules. The first year of life, I was seeing Kaylee about once a month for the first several months, but then it became too much and so we backed off to every couple of months. Now that I do not live in the same state as them, I get to see them whenever I go back home to Oregon. This tends to be once a year due to the price of airline tickets. Her mom told me though to just let them know when I would be in town and she would try to make sure that I would get to see Kaylee. As for pictures and everything now, I tend to get pictures around Christmas time along with a small gift that Kaylee picks out for me. I send her a gift as well.

6. Do you ever feel like they are ‘doing you a favor’ by allowing you to still be a part of your (their) daughter’s life?
a. At first I think I may have thought that. I try not to think about this as we all signed up to participate into an open adoption. The agency that we went through – Open Adoption & Family Services (openadopt.org) – provides lots of counseling sessions for each side to ensure this is the choice they all want to get involved in. I though am very careful to not overstep the boundaries as I don’t want to ruin any type of relationship that we have already established.

7. What was the hardest thing for you to deal with…
a. while you were pregnant
i. I think that the hardest thing to deal with while I was pregnant is trying not to get so attached. It is natural though for everyone involved with this process (especially the birth-mother) to not get attached. I felt every move that she made, I was the one who was up at night peeing every two hours because I chose to indulge in a super big gulp coke slurpee from 7-Eleven at ten o’clock at night. I was the one who felt the first contractions. It was my time to enjoy the pregnancy as it was going to be one of the only moments that I could honestly call her my own.

b. Immediately after she was placed
i. The hardest thing to deal with after she was immediately placed, that I knew that she was not with me anymore. That I made the hardest decision that any parent would have to make. I had a hard time listening to people tell me to move on with my life as the chapter is closed and a new one is about to open. I though, had (and still have) a very supportive family. I lost some friends as they wanted to know about my life but not about my adoption. Adoption was and is always going to be part of life. My friends who stood next to me while I was pregnant are still there for me on those hard days in life.

c. Now
i. The hardest thing now, is that I am not in the same state as her. I wish I could see her more often, especially now that she is getting older and participating in sports and little school activities.

8. What has been the most wonderful thing about your adoption experience? (Feel free to apply the three time periods listed above to this question if you want. J)
a. while you were pregnant
i. The most wonderful thing about my adoption experience while I was pregnant was the support system that I had. I always had someone who I could call or email if I needed to talk to.

b. Immediately after she was placed
i. I would still say that the most wonderful thing about this part of my adoption process is again the support system. I may have lost some friends, but I was told that I will know my true friends, as they will be there to offer support when I am sick, happy, or hurting. This was and is very true.

c. Now
i. The best thing now about my adoption experience is that I have fully come to terms with my choice. I know that placement of Kaylee was the best thing I could have done. I wouldn’t be where I am now if I chose to parent. I made sacrifices and will have to live with emotions that are attached to the choices I made.

9. Has her birth father been involved in any way?
a. When I first became pregnant, he wanted me to have an abortion. Since I personally do not agree with abortion for my own self, I told him I was going to carry this child for the entire nine months. He wanted nothing to really do with me for the entire pregnancy. He was there at the hospital in the waiting room from the time I went into labor until the time she was born. He held her for a little bit as well, so we do have pictures of her with him. He then went to Afghanistan as a paid contractor

10. How do you think the media plays on the general public’s perception of adoption or open adoption?
a. At times I think that the general public perception is that birthmothers are either drug addicts, bad mothers who are unable to care for their children, or as charity cases. I also think that this same perception is portrayed on today’s television shows. Friends, Brothers & Sisters, Teen Mom, Juno…the adoption lifestyle is made out to look cool or that the women are no good people who are in a screwed situation, when most of the time it is the complete opposite. We as women want to give the best option to our children and that is we choose adoption.

11. If there were one thing you could change about…what would it be?
a. Laws and regulations about (open) adoption
i. I would change and make that all 50 states have a legally binding adoption contract between the birth-parents and adoptive parents. With a contract being legally binding, the birthparents would have the right in each state to go back to the adoption agency or court if the adoptive parents back out on everything that was agreed upon before the adoption was final.

ii. I would change that the birthmother’s do not have a wait time to change their mind, and make the relinquishment process instantaneous so that women cannot go back up to 30 days later in some states to say that they are choosing to parent their placed children.

b. Attitudes and perceptions about (open) adoption
i. I would change the negative view that most people have about adoption. I would not allow people to tell birth-mothers, “wow…I could never do that to my own child.” When they haven’t walked in our own shoes. I would change the thought process of outsiders of those who think that all women involved into an open adoption are going to come back and want the child back. I would also make sure that any movie, tv show, or anything else that is going to be in the media about adoption would shine the good light on adoption and not sugar coat it as if it is a humorous situation.

c. Your own experience with adoption
i. I wouldn’t change much with my own adoption experience. The friends who do not talk to me anymore, I am ok with that. The friends who chose to stay with me and support me is what I need. I would change the

fact that I am so far away from Kaylee. I wish that I was closer so that I could be more involved with her life.

12. Your daughter is 8 now (right?). She will be 8 in January.

a. How has it been difficult/wonderful/easy/challenging/etc. to relate to her as she gets older?
i. Since I only see her once a year, I do find it difficult or challenging to relate to her, especially now that she is getting older. I really feel like I have the same questions to ask her and so on. Our visits only last maybe 2 hours at the most due to everyone kind of running out of things to talk about. I do love that she likes to play dress-up and draw. So I can see what she is into, but I feel like the Aunt at Christmastime who is wondering what to get since I only see her so sparse. I don’t want to be the person who sends a gift and have everyone think, “What was she thinking?” I tend to think she is younger than what she is at times, and I now know why extended relatives (grandparents who live in a different state from their grandchildren) buy things that are several years younger than what that child really is. The older she gets though the more she looks like me, and I love seeing that.

b. Do you and her family have a plan for if/when she starts asking serious questions about her adoption?
i. She actually was told at a young age that she was adopted. NaeDean adds more details each year. Kaylee thinks it is pretty cool, I think. In pre-school she told her teachers that she didn’t come from her mom’s tummy that she came from Amy’s tummy. The teacher at that time didn’t know she was adopted. It was cute. I am ready though for the day when she comes to be in her teenage years to ask the serious and difficult questions. When she gets older, I will start talking to NaeDean and ask her what I should tell and so-forth. The last thing I want to do is to step on anyone’s toes.

c. How do you see your relationship with her (and her family) developing in the future?
i. I do see us (her and her family) becoming closer as she gets older. Just like any relationship, it takes time to really develop anything strong. I would love to be more involved with her life when she becomes a pre-teen and teenager as that is when girls start to develop their identity.

13. You mentioned that you and your husband would like to have a child. What are your thoughts about incorporating your daughter’s life into your potential future family?
a. I would love to incorporate her life into my potential family. If my husband and I would have a child together, they will always know that they have a big sister who lives in a different home. She will never be this “secret”. I would love to see her come and stay at my house for a week or two during the summer when she is older and be considered the cool aunt who likes to go to movies and eat ice cream late at night.

14. Do you have any regrets?
a. I do at times have regrets, but only when I am feeling really down. I know that I made a choice, and I have to live with that choice for the rest of my life. I know at the time of placement it was the best choice at that time. No one can predict the future, and so I never thought that my future husband and I would struggle with fertility issues. I have to thank my lucky stars that I found a good family to parent my sweet Lil Miss and that she is happy, healthy and has a house over her head on a nightly basis.

b. Fears about the future?
i. I do not have any fears for the future. I think that any birth parent or any parent in that matter fears of something tragically wrong happening to them or their child. I think that any birth parent fears that their child who was placed will hate them for what they did, but with open adoptions, I don’t see that really happening. I hope that she will live a long life and be successful in whatever she ends up doing.

15. Choose one of your own questions that you are asking me for this project and answer it yourself. J
a. Some people get tattoos as a way to remember their child. Have you ever thought of getting one if you don't have one already?

i. I do not have any tattoos, yet. Yet is the main word there! I have really thought that if I put any art on my body, that it should be meaningful since it will be on me permanently. Since placement I have really thought about doing some type tattoo that acknowledges my adoption. Different designs have came to mind but I need to really think about the placement of the tattoo, since I want to be a Social Worker. The last thing I want to do is put it in a place that everyone can see and not get a job due to having some type of body art.

ii. As for what kind of designs, I have thought about taking her actual baby footprints and having them be put on me, or a pair of baby booties. I have also thought about having footprints (like footprints in the sand poem) placed on my back as that poem is very significant in the adoption world if you spin it as the two prints in the sand is when the mother is pregnant and the single prints are after placement. So there are a tone of different things. I will have one though in the future.

Spoken Word/Poetry Performances

2011-10-14T08:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been meaning to do this for a while and am finally getting around to actually posting this. Since being in Singapore, one of the things I've dabbled in is spoken word poetry, attending and participating in poetry slams, competitions and performances. Only a few events under my belt and I'm certainly not prolific enough to become a serious contender, but I've enjoyed getting my toes wet. Another thing I've enjoyed about it is the freedom of self expression. There is something about spoken word, in which all of your sentences don't have to make sense or be completely coherent, that releases me to communicate what is really in this jumbled mind of mine. This has been especially helpful in dealing with some of the emotions and reactions I've had concerning Reed and the whole open adoption process thus far.

This past July I had an opportunity to let others hear some of those thoughts as well, when I was invited to perform at a Lit Up Singapore, an annual event promoting the literary arts. It was a small gathering, nothing too big or fancy, but it was my opportunity to get out 3 pieces I had written; I call them my healing poetry. I wrote them through much tears, trying to cut through to what I really wanted to say, and performed them that night attempting to keep most of those tears back. It was very intimidating for me, laying myself open to the friends, co-workers, acquaintances and strangers who attended.

Thankfully, one of those acquaintances whom I know from my book club (thanks, Cheryl!) recorded it with her phone, which is why I'm able to present them here. Like I said, nothing fancy, and you'll have to bear with me as I stumble through some kind of an introduction to the first poem. So here's the first one... (btw, sorry if your computer screen is like mine and doesn't show the whole frame of the video; I have to watch it full screen to even see myself. Maybe it's time for a new blog layout...)

This second 'poem' (I know, it doesn't seem like a poem if you're use to thinking of it in a traditional poetry sense, but remember, spoken word is different) is my reaction to judgement I've seen, heard and felt, both from external and internal sources, about my decision to place for adoption. Some of the words I speak here are words I've heard verbatim from others, some are from arguments I've had in my own head as I've tried to hash out every side of the multi-dimensional coin. The couple of words that are cut off are, "The lightbulb swung casually..."

The final piece is something I wrote specifically for Reed. These are words I hope he hears as he gets older, that will make more and more sense to him as he experiences life and all of it's complexities. The first sentence is a bit cut off, it starts, "There is a way things are suppose to be, there are certain people we are suppose to appease..."

Coming up is something I'm pretty excited about: the Open Adoption Roundtable's interview match-up. The participants are those of us who blog about adoption from any side- birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees- and we are paired up to conduct our own interviews. This happens in November, so stay tuned, and if you or anyone you know who has been affected by adoption in some way would like to participate, you can check out the link on the right side of this page. :)

Revisiting Thailand

2011-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I could have been writing about since I last entered anything into this blog, but time passes, procrastination happens, and then the things add up so much that I don’t even know where to begin.
After my visit to see Reed and everyone in Colorado which I wrote about in my last post, I got back to Singapore and hit the ground running. I moved from my tiny room in a condo unit to a ground floor room with an Indian family, jumped back into my normal working schedule, planned for the book club meeting that I facilitate every month, and prepared for the arrival of my dear friend Staci.
Staci and I met as roommates on the cruise ship we both worked on in Hawaii in 2007, and from the day we first boarded and met each other, we became fast friends. A year later, we took a road trip together from Oregon to Alaska where we worked in Denali National Park. A year after that in 2009 she was still in Alaska and I returned for my second summer of working there. I had just flown straight from Thailand where I had spent a month on vacation, where I found out I was pregnant. She picked me up at the airport and as soon as we got in the car I told her the news. “Well, I guess this won’t do you any good now,” said her boyfriend, tossing the wine bottle holder that they had gotten me as a gift into the back seat. We laughed and they both gave me their immediate support.

(Staci and me in Alaska, summer of 2008)

When she arrived in Singapore for her 3 week visit, it was the first time I had seen her since that summer in Alaska. We wanted to make the most of her first trip to Asia, so we booked a weekend in Bintan, a small Indonesian island that’s just a quick ferry ride from Singapore, and one to Krabi, Thailand.
Krabi is a special place for me, but I didn’t know how surreal it would be going back there. That was where Reed became real to me, his presence came into my life. In the spring of ’09, I was traveling through Thailand when I got sick, and stayed sick for the next 6 months. About two weeks into my trip, I realized I was pregnant, despite all my arguments with myself that I surely wasn’t. There was a snorkeling trip we took though, where I had come to accept the fact that I was, and as my mind was reeling and my face was underwater looking at these beautiful blue and yellow fish in clear turquoise waters, I thought, “I’m not alone, it’s not just me anymore. It’s you and me, baby, we’re doing this together.” They were my first thoughts towards Reed, the first of many words and thoughts I spoke to him.
After that snorkeling trip, I spent another week or so with him alone in my thoughts. Then I broke off from my traveling partner Rene (who, incidentally, will also soon be making a visit to Singapore!), and spent a couple of days alone on the beautiful beach of Railey, often considered one of the most stunning in all of Thailand. It was there, sitting on the beach at night digging my toes in the sand gazing out over the ocean, that I really spoke to Reed about where we were, what we were doing, and about adoption. From there I took a ferry to Krabi on the mainland, found a drugstore, and finally took a pregnancy test.

(Railay Beach Thailand)
Later, when I was in North Carolina going to birthing classes, we were coached to have an image or object to focus on through the contractions. I had chosen a print of a painting that someone had given to me that had special meaning for me, but when the time came and I was in the bathtub pushing through labor, my mind automatically went back to those clear, turquoise waters, those blue and yellow fish, surrounded by the tall rock walls jutting out of the water in a semi-circle to form a cove, and me telling him, “we’re doing this together, baby.”
So there I was, two years later, back in Krabi. I send a postcard to Reed from every place I visit, and I definitely wanted to send him one from there. I found a shop and looked for cards from Krabi, but then I found one of Railey Beach, and I knew I had to send that one. I sat down and thought about what to write to him, and was able to send it off immediately with tears in my eyes. Staci waited patiently for me, and then we were off to find some sunscreen. My thoughts were a bit distracted when I followed her into a drugstore, but as soon as we stepped in, I recognized it immediately. I pointed out to her the corner where the pregnancy tests were, and told her how I had to mime what I wanted to the non-English speaking woman behind the counter.
The next day, we went on a snorkeling trip. Not just any snorkeling trip, but you guessed it, the exact one from 2 years ago. Every spot was as beautiful as I remember it, and of course we went to Loh Samah Bay. So much came flooding back to me then, from my first acknowledgement of Reed up to his birth, all tied with this scene I was in. I put on my snorkeling mask, dipped my head in the water, saw the blue and yellow fish swimming around me, and started to cry. Have you ever tried crying into a snorkeling mask? It’s not easy! I would come up to take a breath and recollect, then dip my head back under and start bawling again. All of the feelings, amazement, fears, wonder and questions came barreling back, and I realized why that place, that moment was so special to me; that was when he was mine. All mine. I hadn’t told anyone about him, I hadn’t decided on adoption yet, no one knew about him, I wasn’t sharing him with anyone, he was all, completely, utterly, unquestionably mine. That may have been the only time he was really mine, that it was just him and me, because it didn’t take long for me to realize that he actually belonged to someone else, plus I wanted to share him with Bill as soon as I could. I wasn’t thinking this two years ago, but oh, that sweet, wonderful moment when he was mine…

(Loh Samah Bay, July 2011)
This of course begs the questions: Then do I wish he were still mine? Do I regret the adoption? Should he have been mine?
No, I do not think ‘yes’ to any of those. I think I will always struggle with the concept of loving him so much and yet not wanting to keep him. Yup, I said it, I didn’t want to keep him. This statement conjures up images of women dumping their babies in garbage bins, leaving them at friend’s houses for days at a time, abandoning them to whomever will take them off their hands. But I never said I didn’t want Reed in my life, that I wish he had never happened. Even before I took the pregnancy test, when I thought about the possibility of having a miscarriage or any other way to get out of being pregnant, my soul cringed and my heart cried out. Once he was there, I didn’t want him to not happen. And yes, it was beautiful when he was all mine, a feeling I’d never experienced before, a feeling I’m sure so many other mothers know well.
That’s the struggle, how do I reconcile those two seemingly opposing sides- that I love him dearly and deeply with everything I am, yet I didn’t (don’t) want to keep him? As Reed grows older and comes to understand more, how will he deal with the fact that his mother didn’t want to keep him? What about when he hears that I don’t regret placing him for adoption? These are all harsh questions I have to ask myself, and I don’t have answers for. In the video posted on this site made when I was still in NC, I read an excerpt from the journal entry I wrote after taking the pregnancy test, which said, “is it possible to truly love something that you don’t want to keep?” What didn’t make it in the cut of the video was the sentence I wrote immediately after, “I don’t know how it is possible, but my heart somehow tells me that it is. And now, it’s reality to prove it, and for my life to live it.” I may not know all the depths of how it works, but I am still able to confidently say that I am glad he belongs to Doug and Maura and that he was meant for them and not for me, even say that I am glad he is not with me, and at the same time profess my undying, unconditional, inexhaustible love for him while producing tears galore from missing and longing for him. Like I said, I don’t know how it works to fully love something you don’t want to keep. Maybe the beauty of it is that I don’t need to know, that I only need to listen to my heart that tells me it is. And my life is certainly proving it true.
The rest of Staci’s time in Singapore was wonderful and way too short, and my summer continued to get busier. My next post will come soon, with another project I was working on for the month of July that had to do with Reed.

"First Meeting": Gramma Pat

2011-07-20T10:42:00.000-07:00

The newest Open Adoption Round Table discussion prompt was “First Meeting,” leaving it open to interpret any way we want (http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/07/open-adoption-roundtable-27.html). Participating bloggers who are involved in adoptions in some way have written about when they first met their child, when they first met the birth parent, when they first met the adoptive parent, etc. So here is my first meeting contribution, which just happened recently, last month.
Characters involved:
Doug, Maura and Reed, steaming in the hot, humid North Carolina summer
Me, slaving away in the hot, humid year round Singapore summer
My mom and sister Kathryn, melting in the hot, humid Texas summer
Bill, enjoying the cool, dry, crisp, mountain air of the Colorado Rockies, where he works as a private chef during the summers on a large ranch

The Plan:
I had a one week school holiday in June, and I knew that I wanted to fly back to the US to see Reed, even if it was a short trip. I don’t only want to see him once a year, so any cost or amount of jet lag will still be worth the visit. So I thought, why not have everyone meet in Colorado where Bill is? It would be Bill’s and my first time to see Reed together since I left for Singapore in April of 2010, when he was only 4 months old. But then I also had another motive (besides seeking relief from the perpetual Singaporean summer). I thought that maybe if we were in Colorado, which can be a very tempting place for Texans in general to go and visit (much to the chagrin of most Coloradans), that perhaps some of my family members would be willing to make the trip to finally come and meet my son, their grandson/nephew.
I knew that many of my family members would be busy and it wouldn’t be so easy to drop everything for a week long trip, but thankfully my mom and sister Kathryn stepped up to the plate. Kathryn, the youngest of us 5 kids, was the only one in my family to have met Reed before, having flown up to North Carolina for his birth. I can’t even tell you how much that meant to me, having her in the room with me throughout the labor and at the moment he was born, and apparently it meant a lot to her too because she had his birth date tattooed onto her foot! So it was my mom that was going to meet everyone for the first time.

I can’t say that we weren’t all a little nervous about it. Mom has been supportive of me throughout this whole process from the first time I told her I was pregnant, but also, like a true mother, she has let me know that she wished I had made a different decision. A few different decisions… but I digress. I remember one conversation I had with her when I was first telling her about my decision to place for adoption and she said, “It’s not only that you’re giving away your son, but you’re also giving away my grandson.” I tried to tell her that she could still have that relationship with him, but when closed adoptions are the norm and all a person knows about, it’s hard to imagine anything different working out.
So there we all were suddenly together in Colorado, I was ecstatic to see everyone again, and of course it all went beautifully! Bill was amazing, the entire week he prepared the most spectacular feasts for us. This guy is the most talented chef ever, every single meal we made the comment, “this is the most amazing _____ I’ve ever had in my life!” Even the oatmeal he made for us in the mornings- the best oatmeal I’ve ever tasted! We were able to stay in the beautifully rustic cabins on the ranch where he worked, and we were welcomed by all the staff he worked with and the owners of the property with open arms.

Reed was in toddler boy heaven, surrounded by all the wheel burrows, power tools, trucks, tractors and other various machinery for which he has a particular fascination. It was fun for Bill and me to get to know more about his personality, and we learned quickly that he loves anything that’s big and moves. Also, it was once again good for my heart to see what a happy little boy he is. He has such a sunny personality, even when he was not quite himself because the jet lag and traveling had tinkered with his all so important napping schedule, he still seemed in relatively good spirits. Being surrounded by people eager to make him happy (which often involved tossing him into the air, one of his favorite past times) seemed to help too. :)

Aunt Kathryn loved seeing her nephew again, and by the end of the week Reed knew all too well that if he sought out her attention he would be rewarded with a goofy face, a tickle, or some little trick up her sleeve that was sure to result in a giggle.

And Mom? What a fantastic grandmother to Reed she is!!! Everyone commented all week to me about how much they enjoyed having her around, how easy it was to talk to her, and how great she was with Reed. She had the ingenious idea to tie a few shoe boxes together to make a train for him to pull around, which he made terrific use of for the entire week. It was also her idea to collect some wood chips from one of the work areas for him to build towers with, or just to throw them into buckets of water, which was a big hit as well.

My mom doesn’t often get too outwardly sentimental, and this time was no different. It wasn’t sappy words of love that were poured out from her mouth that were so important to me, but rather, the fact that she made the long drive to come meet her grandson, and made Doug and Maura feel so comfortable around her and excited to have her in Reed’s life. Even Bill said that he really enjoyed having her around, maybe because she contributed greatly to all the praises we lavished upon him for the outstanding food we were constantly eating.
In short, this was a very important 'first meeting' for me. My mom, meeting my son for the first time, and not only my son, but his family whom has become my family too. I have no idea when it will happen, but I can't wait for the rest of them to meet!

I'm always grateful for the encouragement I get from Doug and Maura regarding my relationship with Reed. They are eager to see us develop a loving, healthy relationship with each other, and during each visit have made a deliberate effort to make sure I get some quality alone time with him. I say for the millionth time, I could not have chosen better parents for him.

One of the highlights of our trip was the women's rafting trip. Thanks to some guys at the nearby rafting company being big fans of Bill's famous homemade ice cream sandwiches, Mom, Maura, Kathryn and I were able to raft down the white waters of the Taylor River. This was my mom's first time to try her hand at it, and her exact words were, "I wish I could do that every week!"

On our very last day together, we were all blessed to meet Bill's parents who drove up from Utah. Even though it was a short meeting, they were both so kind, supportive and happy to also finally meet everyone, that it just made the whole gathering that much more wonderful. Am I sounding gushy enough? It's only because I still pinch myself sometimes when I think about how much of a blessing all of these people involved are in my life.

Random Thoughts From a Non-Mothering Mother on Mother's Day

2011-05-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

Why do people celebrate Mother's Day? For the act of giving birth? For all the sacrifices a mom makes for her children? For the daily love and care she gives to her family? Just some of the things I have been wondering about today. Not that I'm doubting the validity of celebrating Mother's Day, moms are certainly a great thing to celebrate! But what about me? Do I have a right to celebrate mother's day? Am I a "mother?"

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Last night, as I was searching the internet for something that related birthmoms to Mother's Day, I found out that many adoption circles celebrate the Saturday before Mother's Day as Birthmom's Day. I've been thinking all day about that. Should I have a different day to celebrate giving birth to Reed? Should I not share the same day as Maura, who is the one actually parenting him and being his mother?

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Mother's Day is somewhat of an anniversary for me. It was on Mother's day in 2009 that I was sitting in a hotel room in Thailand, watching a documentary about mother animals in the wild, and I was thinking, "Oh God, I'm a mother." The next day I took the pregnancy test, which, with the time difference, was Mother's Day in the US. I knew it would be a special day for me for the rest of my life.

*************************************************
Last week I received an email from Amazon.com saying that a friend of mine here in Singapore had just bought me a gift card for Mother's Day. This morning I woke up to find a message on facebook from an old friend of mine from highschool wishing me a Happy Mother's Day, with some very heartfelt words about her respect for birthmothers. It was very sweet and touching, and just what I needed. I worked, as I always do on Sundays, until 5pm, and during my lunch break one of my co-workers treated me to a Mother's Day waffle. This is not just any waffle, this is an extra buttery, extra delicious, extra fresh waffle made from this little waffle stand in the neighbooring mall. It's very fattening, very delicious, and today was very appreciated. After work, I knew I wanted to mark the occasion in some way, so after going home and changing into some cooler clothes (it's been hot, hot, hot here!), I made my way into the heart of town to treat myself to dinner. I found a nice tapas restaurant where I had never been and indulged in 3 courses, dessert, and wine. When I got home tonight I had two more wall posts on facebook from my sister and another friend here in Singapore, also wishing me a happy Mother's Day.

No, contrary to what the above paragraph may have indicated, celebration of today is NOT just about me undoing all the hard work I've put into loosing my baby belly!

(My Mother's Day celebration dinner, compliments of ME!)

As I thought about today and read comments about who people were celebrating and honoring, it became evident that there are many different types of mothers; biological, adoptive, even 'community mothers,' women among a community who have shared their hearts, homes, gifts, wisdom and love to others all around them. Being a mother is a multifaceted role, one that more than just one woman can fulfil in the course of someone's life. For me, the obvious role I play in Reed's life is giving birth to him. Loving him, encouraging him, talking and singing to him as I was building him, choosing to carry him, and then choosing to give him a family; this is not an honor I'm willing to dismiss for myself because he is not with me every day. As Reed grows older, I hope to continue to have a special role in his life, still loving him, encouraging him and talking to him (he may get a bit annoyed if I kept singing to him, so I'll replace that with listening to him).

I identify with being a mother. It's always uncomfortable for me when people I don't know ask me if I have any kids and I say no. I have a son, he is my son, he'll always be my son, just as much as he was when I gave birth to him. And though he will never actually call me 'Mother,' I will always be his mother. I may not have the big hoopla of people taking me out or cooking dinner for me or make sure I don't do any housework or get me special gifts, but I will still celebrate Mother's Day because I am a mother.

*****And not as a side note but just as important as everything I have just written above,
Happy Mother's Day to Maura!!! She is not only a great mom to Reed, but she has been a great person for me to share this day with. I'm so blessed to have her in my life as Reed's mom, and of course Reed is too. She sent me an email with a short update (they're visiting family in NYC, so a longer update will come soon) and pictures. I love that she actually wishes me a Happy Mother's Day instead of just thanking me for making her a mother (which she did as well).

Open Adoption Roundtable Questions

2011-03-07T08:16:00.000-08:00

He's such a cutie, huh? This is one of the pictures they've sent to me since I've been back in Singapore after the holiday visit. I haven't asked the origins of the hand-me-down he's sporting, but I love it.

Apparently, adoption has been getting some interesting press lately, with shows like 16 and Pregnant and whatever other shows are out there that I've never seen. I have no idea what they're portraying, but I can take a few guesses. There are very good reasons why people are leary of open adoptions. So here's my tribute to the wonderfulness that has worked out for us so far. These questions are from Jessica at O Solo Mama, and presented as a discussion forum at http://www.productionnotreproduction.com/2011/01/open-adoption-roundtable-23.html She asked them very honestly, admitting her own ignorance and lack of knowledge/experience. I thought they were interesting to address, and have spent the last month reading and re-reading my response to them. I haven't changed anything since I first wrote it out at the beginning of February, but I'm finally posting it.

1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honoring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?
Well I guess people suck at open adoption just as they suck as so many other things in life. Parents involved in either side of an open adoption aren’t the only ones who mess things up when it comes to parenting, so I really don’t think that’s a fair question or assumption. I for one, am not too worried about “sucking” at being in this relationship. I didn’t choose Doug and Maura because I didn’t think they or I wouldn’t make any mistakes, I chose them because they were people with whom I could build a relationship with that would allow us to talk about and work through any struggles or difficulties we will have (which has already proven true).

2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
Suffering is bearable, pain can be dealt with, and yes I certainly do feel the pain of loving Reed so much and being so far away from him. But am I resentful of that suffering? NO! Does it outweigh the good? HELL NO!!! Placing a child for adoption is going to have suffering no matter what. Why run from it? Why pretend it’s not there when it’s going to follow me around in some form or another anyway? If suffering is going to be there, I’d much rather suffer through looking at pictures, reading e-mail updates and skype chats from half way across the world, through struggling to find the perfect birthday gift for him, through not being able to squeeze him tight enough when I do see him, and then to try to appear ‘together’ through it all. I’ll take any amount of suffering no matter how long it lasts over not having him in my life.
As far as who helps the first parent, well, that is a sore subject for me. I’m not an emotional wreck (most of the time) or depressed, I’m not struggling in life, I’m not unable to take care of myself, I’m not without support, I certainly don’t have any regrets or am unhappy in any way (clarification: in my book, pain from loving someone so much does not equal unhappiness). However, it would be so wonderful to have someone to talk to that understands what I’m going through, to help with the complexities of life and relationships in general after adoption. God knows I don’t know what I’m doing, and it would be nice to talk to someone who at least has some experience in dealing with first moms. One of the attractive selling points of the adoption agency that D and M chose was that they offered life time counseling for the first parents, but when I tried to take them up on that offer I was sorely disappointed. However, Reed’s parents are big advocates of counseling and we’re all hopeful that good, quality, professional support will be in our future.

3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
People who have read my blog have heard this before and I’ll repeat it many times after this: During one of the first conversations I had with Doug and Maura, they said, “the more people who love a child, the better.” I’m not worried about Reed being confused, our common goal is that he will be surrounded from all sides by people who love and support him.

4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! My heart yearns for Reed, I ache for him. But would I have it any other way, raising him myself? No way. Let me tell you a little about my decision making process concerning adoption. I was in Thailand, traveling around between jobs, living a very nomadic lifestyle and absolutely loving it, when I found out I was pregnant. I considered all of my options. I could abort: nope, that was quickly eliminated after about 2 seconds. I could keep him: so I thought about me moving somewhere, acquiring things like an apartment, a bed, more than just a few sets of clothes, health insurance, dishes, furniture, baby stuff, etc., and then finding a job to help me pay for all of that stuff plus child care where he would spend most of the day. Each thing I thought of seemed like a weight being put not just on me, but on him. Could we have done it? Absolutely. Did I have any peace about it? Not at all. Then I thought about adoption. The thought of him not being in my life or I in his was out of the question, but I had never heard of open adoption. However, as I imagined a scenario in which we both entered into the family, he as their son and I as, well, I didn’t quite know but I was somehow embraced into the picture, my heart lifted. I could imagine it with perfect peace, and I had an overwhelming sense that this was what he was created for. I remember the night when I told him what I was going to do, I hadn’t even taken the pregnancy test yet. I was sitting alone on the beach, telling him about where we were, and about the kind of family I was going to find for us. And at that moment, I got this overwhelming knowledge that he had been loved and sought out by this family for much longer than I had ever known about him. I said with full conviction, “You have NEVER been unloved or unwanted!”
I had no idea who this family was at that time, but I knew they were there, and I knew he was theirs. As soon as I met Doug and Maura (and by ‘met’ I mean finding their adoption profile online and then communicating through e-mail since I was by then in Alaska at my summer job and they in North Carolina), it was obvious that we fit each other. With other couples I had contacted, I still had questions. But with D and M, I felt a peace and excitement and joy sweep over me as soon as I read their profile. Our first phone conversation and then their trip to Alaska only confirmed it. Since meeting them, there has never been a time when I haven’t been absolutely sure that Reed is exactly where he needs to be.
Over Christmas when I spent a week with them just after his first birthday, I was reminded even more of how much he belongs with them. And it isn’t a “I wish he was with me but it’s best for him to be with them” kind of feeling, it’s just an all around “Yes!” kind of feeling. I love him so much that it hurts, and it hurt when I was holding him but Maura was the one he wanted. It hurt when he sat in her lap, played with her belly button, showed her his books, fell asleep in her arms. I’m aware every single day of his absence in my life and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what they are doing together. But I also love his parents and I can’t imagine them being apart. In fact, I don’t love him apart from them, to me they are inseparable. I genuinely believe that Reed was created for Doug and Maura, and it would be a disservice to the Universe for anyone to take them away from each other.

5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
These are all questions I have as well. Enter the need for professional counseling. While I’m not completely opposed to having children, it’s not something I desire and since I’m already 34 my chances are rapidly dwindling. I’m ok with Reed being the only child I ever have; I’ve never felt a biological clock ticking away.
As far as who will help Reed, well, I assume both sets of parents in our case. All of us want him to be supported on all sides, and I expect that we’ll communicate with each other about his needs for help and support. As his parenting parents, Doug and Maura will obviously provide the bulk of it. But as the ones most likely to have the answers to his probable questions, Bill and I also want to be there for him every step of the way.

6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I can say comfortably that the option of openness should always be the standard. And I don’t mean for the birth mother to have the option to make that decision within so many hours or days within placing the child, but throughout the child’s life. I’m also fully aware that there are some women (and men) who are not emotionally or otherwise ready for that kind of relationship just yet. In those cases, I firmly believe that everything should be done to help them get ready for that kind of relationship. The object of counseling should be to guide them into a place in which they can have a healthy relationship with their child and adoptive parents. Adoptive parents should support this kind of counseling, and to not be afraid to welcome birth parents into their lives. As I was searching for and contacting potential parents, I was met with some responses of not being comfortable with that level of openness. While I could understand the hesitation and caution, it still had the feeling of, “We don’t want you, just your baby.” A parent should not be expected to separate completely from their child.

7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviors) to close an adoption totally?
No. There may be a time to reduce or restrict contact or communication, but I still believe that the goal should be to move beyond that point into a healthy relationship. In this case, counseling would be critical for all sides, but I think it’s that important. I can understand the adoptive parents needs for protecting their children. Another one of my favorite things Maura said during our first phone conversation, in the context of discussing my role in Reed’s life, was that she “will protect him like a mother wolf,” indicating that if I or anyone else does anything to hurt him she will snarl her fangs. I loved it. That’s how a mother should be. It must be scary for a couple who is wanting to start a family to embrace a birth parent, not fully knowing what they’re getting into. But the option –and hope- for a comfortable level of openness from both sets of parents should always be there.

Open Adoption Roundtable Discussion: Being Proactive About Open Adoption

2011-01-05T13:08:00.000-08:00

Here's the latest discussion question from the Open Adoption Roundtable, a community of adoption bloggers that encourages and gives voice to all members of the adoption triad.

One year ago many of us answered the question, "How will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?"

If you participated in the January 2010 discussion, revisit your post and give us the one-year-later update.

And whether or not you participated last year, tell us about your open adoption hopes or commitments in 2011.

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was on my from Singapore to North Carolina to see my one year old son, Reed, for the first time in 8 months. I had a layover in Hong Kong, and another one in Chicago. It was the latter airport where I found out that the flight to NC had been cancelled. CANCELLED?!? I've spent the last 30 hours in airports and airplanes, consumed with anticipation to see my son who just had his first birthday one week before, and the last leg of my trip gets cancelled???

My heart sank. I started to feel a little nauseous. I stood in a long line with all the other passengers with woeful stories of not being able to see their families or missing important business meetings, everyone convinced that their own need was greater than anyone else's on the whole flight. Me included. As I watched each person in front of me step up to the counter, in my mind I could see the available seats on the next flight disappearing. I was trying to calm myself, telling myself that things happen for a reason, that it will all be alright, but my stubborn tears were relentlessly spilling over my wall of emotional self control.

Despite my worries, I really did have a sense that everything happened for a reason. I had just read 'The Alchemist' by Paulo Coelho at the Singapore airport, and as it has so many people, it resonated with me on many levels. It spoke of travel, following your dreams and your heart, doing things that others think are crazy and don't understand, and connecting spiritually with God and the things around you. It said that when you want something with your whole heart, it is because the Soul of the World wants it too, and the entire Universe conspires along with you to make it happen. One of the recurring themes in the book is following omens, recognizing things that are put in your path to encourage you along it.

My turn finally came to step up to the counter, where a smiling airline worker told me I already had my seat reserved on the next flight which left in 3 hours, and handed me my new boarding pass. Easy!! Relieved, I went to the nearest bar to have a glass of wine. In time, a woman came and sat next to me at the bar. We started up a conversation, beginning with our cancelled flights; hers to Michigan to visit her mother was cancelled and she was returning to California to be with her husband. She asked me if my family was from NC, and I smiled and said, "Well, sort of," thinking that she might not want to hear the complexities of my family there through open adoption. I've never attempted to keep my son's adoption secret, but I do try to discern when it's appropriate to launch into my experience or not, so I decided that if the opportunity arises then I'll tell her why I'm going to NC. She continued on with her story. She was going back to be with her husband... they had had a hard year. A hard past few years. They were wanting to have a child and tried and tried and tried, spent all of their savings, time and effort into medical treatments trying to get pregnant, even tried a surrogate who unfortunately miscarried. They had been trying to have a family for the past 10 years, and now they were turning to adoption. They were currently in the home study phase, they saw this as their last chance to have the family they had wanted and dreamed of for so long.

"But enough my story... let's get back to you," she said, trying to change the subject (we had also been talking about relationships before, and she wanted to hear more about where I was with that). What, let that pass?? No way! I told her about Reed, about how I was in Thailand, in between jobs, and 32 years old when I found out I was pregnant, about my search for an adoptive family and my insistence on full openness, and how I met Doug and Maura and how the stars and planets and everything in the Universe aligned so perfectly for Reed to be born into the most amazing family with all of his parents around. Her jaw dropped, and with tears in her eyes she said, "Do you realize what you have done for those people?" She was fascinated with my story, and said that she knew little about open adoption and might have been weary of it before. "I just can't get over this. I was suppose to meet you... I flew all the way from California to Chicago thinking I was going to visit my mother, but it was just to meet you here at the airport. I think you're a good omen for me." At that point, I knew that the book I had just read now belonged to her. I gave it to her telling her it was part of the deal of flying all the way out to Chicago just to meet me, and with that I left to catch my flight, happy for the delay, and happy to be on my way to see my gorgeous son.

So how do I want to be proactive about open adoption? In Reed's life, I plan on being proactive by keeping in touch with his family, continuing to share about my life and adventures, and sending him postcards and letters (he already has a special box of letters I've written to him, so far from China, Malaysia and Singapore...the one from Bali was lost). I'm also planning on flying back to the states to spend a week with them again in June.

Outside of my personal adoptive triad, I would like to be be proactive in general about open adoption, just by continuing to be open about it. I want women who are faced with unplanned pregnancies to know about the options they have. Any choice a woman* in that situation makes will be a difficult one, and I do not believe that there are any black or white answers that fit across the board. But I think that so many women choose to terminate a pregnancy, thinking that the only other options are to raise the child herself (sometimes in unhealthy or unsupportive surroundings), or to give the child up for adoption, never to be seen again. Likewise, some women may choose to keep a child even though it's not healthy for the child or parent, thinking that the only other options are abortion or to let her own baby slip permanently out of her life. I want people to know that that's not all there is!

It's hard being a mother. It's hard raising a child, but it's also hard to be completely, utterly, whole heartedly in love with your child that someone else is holding in their arms. At the same time, it's so easy to love him, and it's so easy to love the arms that are holding him, cherishing him, protecting him, and receiving so much joy in return from him. No decision I could have made would have been easy, and I suspect it's the same for many women who find themselves in an unplanned pregnancy. I just want more people to know about the joys that an open adoption can bring. I would like for expectant women to know about open adoption as an alternative to the traditional options (keeping, terminating, or closed adoption), and I would like for hopeful adoptive parents to know more about it so that they won't be afraid of a birth parent who loves her/his baby so much that they just can't let it out of their lives.

I'm not really sure just how proactive I'll be, but I do plan on continuing to be open in conversation with my experiences, sharing and documenting here on this blog, and hopefully someone who needs to hear this will one day hear. And hopefully someone will choose to give this woman in California and her husband, or any of the many, many other people who are wanting to build a family through adoption a chance to make their dreams come true.

*I don't like excluding the father's role in this, and ideally he would have a hand in making a decision for his child together with the woman who's carrying it. Unfortunately this isn't always the case. In our little adoptive family, we are so lucky to have Bill as a part of our lives. He moved across the country for me when I was pregnant, never left my side during Reed's birth, and flew across the country again to celebrate Reed's first birthday.

Days 5 and 6: Merry Christmas and Snow!

2010-12-26T17:55:00.000-08:00

(The studio apartment above Doug's pottery studio where I've been staying this past week)

Christmas this year was much different from Christmas last year. Last year there was a steady stream of visitors coming to look at the precious new baby, then only 12 days old. This year, it was only Doug, Maura, Reed, Gigi, and me. Nice, relaxed and low key. Reed was very impressed with all of the presents under the tree, most of them for him, but we let him open them up throughout the day at his own leisure. I got some Christmas booty myself though, and maybe because I wasn't expecting anything, everything I got was perfect. A jar of almond butter, some pens, a workout shirt, granola bars, and a really great hat.

My favorite gift that brought tears to my eyes though, was a hard cover book that they had made about our journey together so far.

Starting from when Doug and Maura came to Alaska in the summer of 2009 to meet me for the first time...

through the birth...

All the way up to the different trips they've made this year and family they've seen.

That night it started snowing and continued all through the night. The next morning I woke up early to a stomach bug that had ravaged through their household the week before, so I quarantined myself to the studio apartment I've been staying in for most of the day. By this afternoon though, I was feeling much better so I joined the three of them for a walk in the snow. How beautiful it was! Reed loved the snow, and I was happy to get the full experience of winter during my short break from my usual equatorial, tropical climate.

And now it's on to the second leg of my trip; Texas to visit my own family. These past six days have been so wonderful and needed for me, and it will be hard to say goodbye tomorrow morning when they take me to the airport. It will be another 6 months until I see Reed again, and I can't even imagine how much he'll have grown and changed all over again. During this trip, I was able to get to know his many laughs, see his sweet smile, and discover his personality. And what a personality he has! How did this wonderful little guy come from me? Tonight he was pretty interested in Maura's and my belly buttons, and I was amazed that at one time he was on the other side of it. It has been so good to reconnect with him, and to continue to establish a firm and solid foundation of a life long relationship with Reed and his family.

Day 4: Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T19:49:00.000-08:00

When I was a kid, Christmas Eve was the big day. That was when we had our big Christmas dinner with a ham and a turkey, lots of sides and even more desserts, and after dinner we would all go sit around the tree and open all the presents we had got each other. Being a family of 7, if it was a good year our tree was quite an exciting sight! Makes me wonder what kinds of traditions will develop in Reed's family?

The highlight of my day today was my special walk with Reed. While Doug and Maura were wrapping presents and getting ready for tomorrow, Reed and I took a walk down the dirt road they live on. We went to see the nearby chicken coup and hoped to see the dogs that he loves so much, but they were inside their owner's house. Reed is walking like a champ these days, and sometimes he doesn't want to be disturbed in his exploring. But today, I think because he was a little sleepy, he wanted to be held and I was more than happy to oblige. I love that Doug and Maura make an effort to give me my own special time alone with him, and I take advantage of it as much as I can. Today during our walk we talked about what a dog sounds like, what I've been doing in Singapore, what kinds of sticks are the best for banging trees with, what he'll be like the next time I see him, how much more fun it is to walk on the trails in the woods instead of on the dirt road, and how much I love him. My goal is to tell him every chance I get, especially when we're face to face, how much I love him and how special he is to me. He will have questions, but I hope he never questions my love for him.

For our Christmas Eve dinner we decided on a vegan feast, consisting of salad with carrot-ginger dressing, nori rolls, and raw chocolate balls. All homemade from scratch and absolutely delicious. Maura's sister Gigi joined us for dinner and we had an excellent time eating, drinking and being merry.

Day 3: Reed Land

2010-12-23T18:21:00.000-08:00

Yet another day in Reed Land. My jet lag actually seems to be working backwards, because this morning I was wide awake at 3am. I've lost an hour each of the mornings I've been here so far...WHY??? But then I'm reminded of how sleep deprived Doug and Maura have been this last year, and I remember I really don't have anything to complain about.

Anyway, today we took an exciting walk to play in the swing set at Doug's brother's house (they're neighbors), and then to see some dogs that another neighbor has. Reed loves dogs; every time he sees or hears them he makes this barking/grunting noise and gets a huge smile on his face.

This may quite possibly be the best baby swing set in the world.

And Reed obviously LOVES it!

After Reed went to bed for the evening, Doug, Maura and I had dinner and when we weren't quite ready to finish talking, Doug broke out the bottle of port wine and some chocolate and caramel treats. As we sipped our port and nibbled on dessert, we reminisced together about our whole experience, recalling and retelling our thoughts, feelings and reactions about when I first found out I was pregnant, my decision for adoption and process of choosing adoptive parents, our first conversations together, their trip up to Alaska for our first meeting, all the way up to Reed's birth which they were a witness to and his first Christmas as a newborn. We were smiling the whole time, laughed, got teary eyed at points, and ended with one of those moments when everyone is silent with peaceful grins on their faces, soaking in the memories, the present, and each other. This is the stuff that family bonds, stories and traditions are made of. This is the stuff families are made of.

Day 2: Counseling

2010-12-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

Today, still being jet lagged, I woke up at 4am. It just so happens that with a baby in the household, that’s often about when Reed’s family wakes up too. Maybe this jet lag is working to my advantage? I can tell you that I would rarely be up by 4 or 5 (or 10) under any other circumstance! After Maura’s parents left to go back to NY and Doug left for work, Maura and I sat on the living room floor and had a wonderful time chatting, drinking hot tea and watching Reed keep himself busy with his books and toys.

The big plans for the day, besides Reed’s one year checkup, were to go to the adoption agency we used so Doug, Maura and myself could meet with a counselor. Maura, being a therapist and recognizing my need for support through this whole process, had asked me a couple of months ago if I would like to meet with a professional during my visit, and I thought it was a great idea.

I’ve really been wanting counseling. It’s not because I feel negative about the adoption, in fact I still feel very positive about the whole thing. Even as much as I miss Reed and think about him, I have no regrets. Especially now, seeing how happy he is and what wonderful parents Doug and Maura are! But just because adoption was the best decision I made, doesn’t mean it was the easiest. Just because I feel very positive about how things are going doesn’t mean I don’t feel any pain. Just because I’m not the one raising my own son and I chose not to do so doesn’t mean I don’t miss him so much that it hurts down to my fingertips, and just because I’m genuinely happy and thankful for the life I lead doesn’t mean I don’t shed any tears.

I consider myself a pretty sane, rational and well adjusted individual, so if there weren’t any counseling I think I would still continue to be sane, rational and well adjusted. But oh how wonderful it would be for me to sit with someone who is experienced and familiar with what I’m going through, and talk and cry and sob and share my joys and confess my fears and they would just listen and ask me questions and hand me boxes of tissues and they wouldn’t try to fix my “problems” or pretend to have all the answers, but would just help guide me through this forest of emotions because it can be very dense at times.

Not only would counseling be hugely beneficial for me, but it would be really great if Doug, Maura and I could have guidance together as we’re still getting to know each other and work out our own relationships. They have been so wonderful so far, and again, if we never get any guidance, I’m confident that we can figure things out and make them work because of our love for Reed and for each other. But how nice it would be to have a professional setting with an experienced third party opinion to help us.

That’s what we were hoping for today as we headed off to the adoption agency, who promised life-long counseling as part of the deal. We had the appointment set a month in advance with the professional who is suppose to be able to see to these kinds of things, and I had already been going through in my head some questions I had or issues I would like to address. Just thinking about being able to finally talk to someone about it made me emotional. However that professional forgot about our meeting and was out of town, and we ended up speaking with a couple of other well meaning workers at the agency. As good as their intentions were though, it quickly became apparent that they could not offer us the kind of help and support we were seeking, so we cut the meeting short and left early. Since we’ve already been working on building a strong relationship and have been pretty successful thus far, the three of us agreed that we could do a better job and be more productive on our own. Not that we won’t continue to seek outside help, support and guidance in the future, just not from that source. Unfortunate.

In the car ride home, Maura and I continued to talk about some of the things that were barely starting to be touched on that we would have liked to discuss in counseling. As usual, she was very easy to talk to and we ended up getting a lot accomplished just in the drive home. It’s so wonderful to be working with such open minded and open hearted people! But there will be things that I can’t work out just by talking to Doug and Maura, and for that I’m still keeping my fingers crossed that there will be someone hopefully sooner than later whom I can meet with.

6 Full Days!!! Day 1

2010-12-22T02:32:00.000-08:00

I finally made it!!! After over 30 hours of airports and airplanes, terrible food, and as many renditions of "I'll Be Home For Christmas" as you could possibly imagine, I finally made it to North Carolina Monday night. Reed was already sleeping by then, so I just peeked into his room and saw him resting peacefully. There is a studio appartment just above Doug's pottery studio right next to the house which is where I'm staying, so on Tuesday my jetlagged self woke up at 5am and walked over to the house at 6. I was greeted by this...

As the day went on, I spend as much time as I could with him, and as always, their whole family was wonderful to be around. Maura's parents who were visiting from New York even stayed an extra day just so that they could see me. They have truly adopted me into their family as well. I also loved learning as many little tidbits as possible about my son, re-learning who he is all over again. I found out that...

He LOVES to eat, and is even pretty good at feeding himself. It's kind of a joint effort, but he manages to get a good amount of food in with his little plastic spoon.

He loves his books, and can spend a decent amount of time (for a one year old) just sitting there and looking at them.

He loves the outdoors and playing in the leaves. And eating them.

He's such a happy boy; it's so easy to take really cute pictures of him because, well for one, he's just really cute, but to make it better he's almost always smiling!

Towards the end of the day we had our Christmas High Tea with Aunt Gigi and Cousin Meredith, Maura's parents, myself, Maura and Reed. It's a tradition we started last year that consists of lots of yummy snacks and a wide assortment of tea served in unique handmade teapots made by Doug's various potter friends.

So far I'm loving spending time with him and the whole family... this is going to be a wonderful week!

ONE YEAR!!!

2010-12-14T08:42:00.000-08:00

Monday was Reed's birthday. As I'm typing these words, I still can't believe he is a year old! I have been as excited about his birthday as I would be my own, and I wanted to make sure I spent the day with him, even though I'm 9,870 miles away. Here are the tools involved in my day of celebrating the little man who came into my life one year ago.

The 'Reed' Playlist
1: Starting with this song; "You Were On My Mind" by We Five. It's pretty much been my theme song since I first found out about him, and I played it over and over again on his birthday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29uNvGHsRlc

2: "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" -The Lauryn Hill version. When I was still pregnant with him in Alaska I would imagine lying in a bed with him just afer he was born, and I would sing to him, "You're just too good to be true, I can't take my eyes off of you, you feel like heaven to touch, I want to hold you so much, at long last love has arrived, and I thank god I'm alive..."
3: "Blackbird" by The Beatles. This was the song playing at the moment he was born. "You were only waiting for this moment to arrive"
4: "Green Eyes" by Coldplay. This was my NC song to him; "I came here with a load, and it feels so much lighter since I met you..." Fitting, no?
5: "Everywhere I Go" by Willie Nelson. "No matter where our trails will finally wind, our paths will keep on crossing yours and mine, Until then in my pocket you must go, I'll take you with me everywhere I go"

Birthday Cake (of course!)
Nevermind that he wasn't there to eat it, I love him enough to eat it for him. Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate! I did manage to experiment with the recipe; I substituted flour with ground flax seed and ground sunflower seed, subbed the oil with pureed apple, and subbed the water with almond milk. I also mixed pumpkin seeds and walnuts into the batter. The recipe was vegan to begin with, and it actually turned out pretty good! The frosting was made of soaked dates, cocoa powder, coconut oil, soaked cashews, honey, cinnamon, and jasmine green tea.
(I was going to take a picture of the chocolatey goodness, but plans changed and I ate it too fast!)

Birthday Dinner and Card
My original plan was to celebrate Reed's birthday at the Botanic Gardens, but the weather wasn't having any of that. So instead, I went to one of my favorite places in Singapore, Little India, where the general atmosphere is festive and lively every night. I went to a cheap food stall and had some delicious Murtabak and hot milk tea, and started writing Reed's birthday card. I told him all about the day he was born, who was there to witness his first breaths, how excited we all were, and wonderful it was to finally meet him. The card I chose for him was a hand made card of an ox, his Chinese calendar animal, that I found in Chinatown.

Skype!
That night I came home and was able to see Reed in all of his one year glory on Skype. An extra treat- Bill was visiting from Colorado, so I got to have a nice long conversation with Bill, Reed and Maura. Maura's mom even made a guest appearance! Reed was delightful; he told me what a dog sounds like, he showed Maura and Bill where my nose was, and then stuck post-it notes on my forehead. We also showed Bill how we play cyber peek-a-boo, one of my favorite games. Sometimes he would be looking at the computer screen and smile at my image... there are just no words to describe it.

And now, I'm finally getting ready to see him again in person. With this week starting off with celebrating Reed's birthday and knowing that by the time the week is up he will actually be in my arms, well, it made it a whole week of celebration for me. Everyone knows that birthdays are suppose to last at least one week anyway! Again, I'm having trouble finding the words to describe how excited I am for this two week break I'm about to leave for, but I will say this: Of all the times I've traveled across the planet, of all the times I've taken jobs in distant places, relocated myself, not knowing what I was getting into, who I would meet, or where my road would lead afterward, I have never been as excited, nervous, anxious, and just plain giddy as I am now to go on this trip to a small town in North Carolina.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T06:54:00.000-08:00

How does a nomad spend one of the most homeliest of holidays without a home? Let's recap:

Thanksgiving 2005- Zion National Park, Utah, at the bottom of a gorgeous canyon. Worked that morning, hiked in the afternoon, and then had dinner with my mom and two of my sisters who had flown from TX for a visit.

If you look closely, I mean reeeeeally reeeeeally closely, you can see the roof tops of the lodges where I was living.

2006- Flew back to Texas to have Thanksgiving with my family between another fall season at Zion and my second stint on the cruise ship in Hawaii.

2007- San Diego, California, celebrated with a friend and her family and then met some people to go rock climbing and camping in Joshua Tree National Park.

2008- Crested Butte, Colorado; The Great Transient Thanksgiving Potluck where those of us who were gearing up for the ski season all met together with plenty of food and then finished the night off at one of the local bars.

2009- Pittsboro, North Carolina; celebrating with new family I never dreamed I would have.

2010- Singapore; spent quality time giving thanks for my bed and the ability to sleep in 5 days out of the week, went to the gym and gave thanks for the little Turkey who's 10,000 miles away that caused my baby belly that I'm still trying to combat, picked up an extra class in the evening for some extra cash (Christmas presents!), and then went shopping for said Christmas presents followed by a search for the perfect thanksgiving dinner.

Every so often a huge tent is set up in an empty lot outside of the center where I work, and is filled with food vendors as well as booths filled with all sorts of odds and ends. I think there's an actual name for it, but I don't know what it is. This was the site of my quest.

Lots of choices to chose from, most of them fried and on a stick.

Waffledogs... Not really my style.

Finally I decided on a turkish kebab

And this was the guy who made my Thanksgiving dinner. When I told him about the significance of the meal, he smiled and heaped on an extra load of meat.

Just to remind myself what a year will bring...

Last Thanksgiving in North Carolina, learning the merengue with my own little Turkey cooking in the oven:

And exactly one year later, coming home from work on the MRT train in Singapore:

I have LOTS to be thankful for, and just because I was alone and working on Thanksgiving doesn't mean it was any less meaningful or celebratory. I'm amazed daily at my life and the fullness and blessings this journey has brought, and am SO THANKFUL!!!

Things in October, and the Great Wide Open video

2010-10-17T21:19:00.000-07:00

Significant events this month:

*Reed turned 10 months old on 10/13/10

*I turned 34 years old on 10/10/10

*I was able to celebrate my birthday with Bill by going on a snorkeling trip to Malaysia

*Today marks the longest I have lived in one place (175 days) since May of 2005 when I began this nomadic lifestyle.

I wanted to share a short video that was made by a friend at UNC who has an interest in adoption stories. She heard about us while I was still in North Carolina and asked if she could focus one of her assignments for her photo journalism class on us. We think she did a great job!

The Great Wide Open from Elena Rue on Vimeo.

"But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips." -The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

2010-09-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

Reed had his nine month birthday the day after I got back from Bali. I know it annoys some people when parents acknowledge every single month-birthday in the first couple of years of their child’s life, but I can’t help it. For me it’s another month of being without him, wondering what he’s doing, another month of me missing him. For Doug and Maura, it’s another month of watching in amazement how he’s growing, getting to know this little man who’s now a part of their family. Also, nine months of course marks this important milestone for me: Reed has now been with Doug and Maura longer than he was ever with me.

(Me, sipping tea and enjoying the view in Bali)
My week long vacation in Bali was amazing, but I thought about this upcoming nine month mark constantly. I was traveling with a friend, and I found myself trying hard not to talk about Reed all the time. He was always on my mind, I thought about him everywhere we went. I looked everywhere for a gift for him, but ended up getting nothing because I couldn’t decide on anything perfect enough for him (I’m going to have to work on that). I finally got him a postcard but even that took me forever to decide on; I wanted it to be the perfect postcard that he could look at later and be inspired by what is waiting for him out in the world. I thought about all the things I want for him in his life, how I don’t want him to be hindered by anything from seeking and living out his dreams, and how I want to live my life to be an inspiration to him. I think just being in Bali would have made me more introspective anyway, it’s just the kind of place that has that kind of effect. But with the impending nine-month mark and everything it meant to me, I was taken back to my days in Thailand, when I first found out about Reed, when it was just me and him hanging out on a beach, snorkeling, eating and eating and eating, and I would talk to him and sing to him and tell him about the kind of life we’re living now and the kind of life he’s going to have.

(Me -and Reed- in Thailand on a snorkling boat, April 2009)

(Reed and Doug at Doug's kiln)
Emotions about Reed have been running high for me lately. For starters, I finally bought my plane ticket back to the States to see him over Christmas. Just thinking about seeing him again after he’s changed so much brings on a flood of emotions! I have two weeks off for the holidays, but Doug and Maura have other family to visit, so they will only be in NC for one week of my vacation. I’ll only have one week to be with him, one week to get to know him all over again. That made the prospect of spending another week without him seem miserable to me. I had to get over that by thinking about the opportunity I’ll have to go to Texas to visit other friends and family that I love and cherish, a trip that I wasn’t planning on before. Other things that have brought up emotions are songs I’ve been hearing that I use to sing to Reed when I was pregnant in Alaska, being constantly surrounded by babies on the public transport system, even watching a movie preview. Seriously, have you seen the preview for the film “Babies?” It’s a film that follows the first year of the lives of four different babies from four different parts of the world. Just watching the trailer made me cry, thinking about all of the things I’m missing in the first year of Reed’s life.
But it’s not all depressing. For starters, this is what we planned. This is what I decided on. I have this life to live, and even with all the tears, I absolutely love it. I love being in Singapore, I love having all the free time I have with my incredibly easy job, I love the people I’ve met here, the exploring I get to do, the independence I get to have, being so closely surrounded by other countries with other cultures so completely different than my own, and having open doors of opportunities stretched out before me for seemingly endless miles. With a teachers schedule here, my year is sprinkled with one week vacations and I’m already planning out a list of different places I want to visit. I plan on taking every opportunity I can to make the most of my time here.
Another thing is that’s not depressing for me to think about at all is Reed’s life and the opportunities in his future. Doug and Maura told me from the very first conversation with me that “the more people that love a child, the better” and Reed has so many people who are head over heels in love with him. Doug and Maura of course want the very best for Reed and are doing everything they can to provide a spectacular life for him. And then there’s Bill and me, who hope to be inspiration, role models, and tools of encouragement for Reed to have everything he needs to make his life spectacular. I love and am excited for Reed’s life of possibilities just as much as my own.

(Maura and Reed- he's not walking yet but he's enjoying pulling people around!)

'Support From Professionals' Discussion

2010-08-01T07:48:00.000-07:00

This is a discussion that was started on a site called 'Open Adoption Roundtable,' a forum for anyone who has been a part of open adoption. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the posts I read from this site when I was still pregnant, and now as I continue my relationship with my new family through Reed's adoption, it continues to be helpful and insightful. My post isn't nearly as interesting as some of the other experiences I've read about, but I'm thankful that I don't have any major horror stories to write about.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

There were probably as many different reactions to my decision on adoption as there were emotions I had about being pregnant. I'm not talking about professionals just yet, I'm talking about friends, families, co-workers, strangers, those were the people I was around. The only professional I saw of any kind for the first 6 months of my pregnancy was the general practitioner in the small town in the middle of Alaska whom I went to for my monthly checkups during the summer I was there. Once I met Doug and Maura through parentprofiles.com and we started making plans towards adoption, they put me in touch with IAC, the adoption agency they were using that was very supportive of open adoptions, and I talked to someone once on the phone and a couple of times through e-mail while I was still in Alaska. I know that doesn't seem like much, but I had already found the adoptive parents of my dreams, and we had already started building the foundations of our open relationship. I moved to NC where Doug and Maura were at the beginning of my third trimester and finaly met a representative from the IAC in person, and met with her once on my own, once with Bill, and once with Bill, Doug and Maura.

From the professional side of things, I had some very positive support, especially once I moved to NC where my son's soon to be adoptive parents were. The midwives at the birth-center were wonderful in respecting my wishes for my birth plan, which included Bill, Doug and Maura, my friend Shelley and sister Kathryn all present during the birth. But perhaps the most helpful thing that I experienced was how careful the IAC was to not push any kind of decision onto me or Bill. I already knew what path I wanted to take, but the IAC still assured me that even if I change my mind, or if Bill changed his, then they would support us no matter what decision we made. Our counselor never referred to our adoption as though it were a done deal while I was still pregnant, and she gave us lots of information on what our options were if we decided against it. I knew Reed was suppose to be part of Doug and Maura's family, I couldn't have been more sure of my decision to complete their dreams through adoption. And the four of us had already done most of the work in crafting our own unique plan of openness and how we wanted to be a part of each others lives. While the IAC did help us put that plan onto paper and offered helpful insights into how to go about designing the kind of openness we wanted, it sure helped knowing that no one was pushing me in any way, and it was all completely my own free will to go through with it.

As far as what was not supportive, well, I'm happy to say that on my end as a birth mother there was not a single professional that I encountered that was not helpful. When I told people my plan for an open adoption, there were no raised eyebrows from the midwives at the birth center, or even from the instructor or other couples in the birthing class that I went to (accompanied by Bill, Doug, Maura, and Shelley- Team Rachel). I'm so thankful for the professionals that I worked with as well as the people in my life that were constantly showing their support for me (as well as for Bill, Doug and Maura and our relationship together), because I needed them all the more when I also had to deal with the instances of judgement and criticism.

You can read more responses from birth parents and adoptive parents here.

Dreaming Of The Future, Missing The Now

2010-07-26T09:17:00.000-07:00

Grandparents are awesome. What a life they must have! Their grandchildren adore them, their kids finally appreciate them and respect them. Today as I was walking home from work, my random thoughts wandered over to the greatness of grandparents. Let me attempt to explain my thought process: I had a mental image of an elderly couple, surrounded by their children and their grandchildren, all happily together. Yup, I thought, getting old can’t be that bad when you’re surrounded by people you love. Ah, but there’s a catch, I realized. A grandparent has to put in the time with having kids to actually become a grandparent. Which then creates a dilemma, how do I become a grandparent if I don’t have a family of my own? Oh, but I DO have a family of my own! Have I just solved the problem of becoming a grandparent without having kids? Amazing!
Again, I want to stress that I’m not exactly against me having children in the future, if the situation called for it. I love kids, I work with them every day and they are a constant source of laughter, frustration, joy, delight, and learning. But when I do think about the future and what I want out of life, children are not on my list. I could easily see Reed being the only child I have, and for now I’m ok with that.

I’m not really good at thinking so far into the future though. For me, thinking ahead is knowing I’m going to be leaving one place in a couple of months, and so I plan ahead to where I’ll go next. The most I’ve ever thought about my long term future is in regards to my health and my desire to take care of myself now, doing my best to avoid becoming prematurely cancerous and brittle. Reed has added in a point of longevity to my thinking. I love thinking about when I’ll see him next, in December just after his first birthday. How much he will have changed! I love thinking about my subsequent visits, imagining us playing together, or thinking of silly jokes to tell him, or those precious opportunities I want to have to read to him before his bedtime or sing to him as he’s falling asleep. You have to understand that this is all new to me. Even just thinking about being in Singapore for two years is still taking some getting use to. I’m finding myself already looking at job opportunities and flight tickets, and I’ve only been here 3 months. This is the first time in a long time that the 3 month mark hasn’t come with the need to start sending out resumes and searching flights. With Reed, it’s easy for me to think ahead five or ten years or even longer. I was smiling from ear to ear when I thought about him making me a grandparent. My next mental image was years and years in the future, me sitting around with Doug and Maura at a family reunion of sorts, Reed with his lovely wife and lovely children running around with the rest of the extended family, all of us beaming as we’re watching this unique family we’ve created together. (And yes, I am fully aware now why my parents are always wondering if I’m ever going to ‘settle down.’ Luckily, since I’m the middle child out of five, they have other chances to become grandparents. My brother already has 3 kids, and I’ve made it clear that Reed IS their grandson, and that I hope they can have that relationship with him some day. Also, I’m fully aware that Reed may not ever want to get married or have children of his own- maybe it will run in the family?- or maybe he will find his own unique situation instead of the cookie cutter family that was in my daydream, and I will still be happy with whatever he brings into my life.)

The point of it all is, I now have people that will be in my life forever. Bill will be in my life forever. That’s a bit more difficult to think about since Bill’s life is almost as unpredictable as mine, but we are both committed to being able to share our lives with Reed and each other.

Meanwhile, Reed is growing and changing now, which is being witnessed everyday by Doug and Maura. All I have are my memories of the past and visions of the future, but they have his every day. This becomes hard at times for me to deal with, especially as I’m watching my little students (mostly 4-6 years old) interacting with their parents, their faces lighting up when they get out of class to see that their mommy or daddy is waiting to catch them in their arms. I have to make it a point not to think about Reed at work. Then there’s the mall, or the supermarket, or the bus or subway, or practically anywhere, where parents and children are sharing their every day’s together. Even when they are being naughty and the parent is exasperated, I sigh and think about how precious that every day moment is, that moment that I’m not sharing with my son.

Pictures certainly help with that. I may imagine a lot about Reed in the future(even up to the point of being a grandparent to his children- yikes!), but pictures help me see him for what he is now, what I'm missing. If I had my way, there would be a constant steady stream of snapshots being taken throughout the day at the Dotson household so I could witness as much of Reed’s days as I possibly could. I also know it’s a lot easier for me to wish for that then for a hard working and sleep deprived new mommy and daddy to send photos every day. Eventually I’ll have to get a web cam so I can communicate on skype, that will ease my heart a little.

Joy and Pain

2010-06-14T19:45:00.000-07:00

I’ve always had very vivid dreams, sometimes they’re random and hilarious (like when I dreamt that Edward Norton was trying to break me out of a prison and my prison “uniform” was made entirely out of pork chops and bananas), sometimes they’re very telling of my fears, insecurities, and what is really going on in my heart (like one that I described in a previous blog). But recently my dreams have been just plain fun. One involved Bill and I hanging out with Reed and spending a whole day together, and the other was Reed and I hanging out and having a good time, but we both thought something was missing so we went and got Maura and we were all really happy.

Most of the time when Reed wanders his way into my dreams, he’s older, about 4 years old or so. Perhaps it’s because I know that the next time I’ll see him will be in the future, when he’s already walking and starting to use his own baby-speak. Or perhaps it’s because I want so much to be able to communicate with him, and I know that I’ll have to wait until he’s older to do that. Well, when I woke up from the dream I was having on Sunday morning on his 6 month birthday, I smiled at the thought of getting to know my little boy. But then I thought of him as he is now, and I suddenly felt a huge emptiness because my son is 6 months old and I don’t even know how many teeth he has! It reminded me of how much I don’t know about my son now, and how much I miss him terribly.

Sometimes I want nothing more than to see him and hold him, hang out with him and watch him grow, and be his mommy. Then at other times I think that he was so specifically made for Doug and Maura, so much so that he almost looks like them. As much as it hurts me to be away from him, I think he really was made to be Doug and Maura’s son.

But he’s MY son! part of me uncontrollably cries out. The thing is though, is that the ‘but’ in that exclamation doesn’t have any part of this. Yes he is my son, he will always be my son, and there is no changing that. And yes he was made for Doug and Maura. As jealous as I am of their life with him, if I could go back in time to change anything I wouldn’t do it. Maura wondered aloud to me one time if I was jealous of her being Reed’s mommy. I told her of course I was, but I chose her to be jealous of and I’m glad I did. I can’t imagine Reed not having them, there is no doubt that he belongs with them.

This however has no effect in diminishing how much I miss him. In a conversation with one of my sisters (who is adamantly against the adoption but seems to be accepting what is reasonably well) before I left for Singapore, that there was going to be pain no matter what I chose to do with Reed. Both of us would have known certain kinds of pain as a result of my decision to keep him if I had done so, and both of us will know different kinds of pain as a result of the adoption (maybe I’ll touch on this topic more in a different post). After I told her that it was going to be really hard on me to leave Reed when I went to Singapore, she said that I didn’t have to choose a path that caused so much pain. The way I look at it, since pain was going to be inevitable, I chose the path with the most joys.

And joys have certainly been a part of this journey. Needless to say, Doug and Maura are getting to experience the joy of Reed in their lives every day. I wonder if he’ll ever fully realize how much of a dream come true he is for them? And he has brought untold joy to mine and Bill’s life as well. Bill tells me that at times of frustration, all he has to do is think about Reed. The last couple of weeks that Bill was in NC before going to his summer job in CO he was able to stay with Doug and Maura in their extra studio apartment by their house. When I talked to him on the phone, his first words were, “Reed is SO cool!!!”

For me, Reed has brought so many joys that I didn’t think I ever wanted or would ever have. I still look at the pictures of my labor and his birth with an uncontrollable smile. It was nothing short of wonderful with everyone as involved as they were. I still remember the sensation of feeling him move around inside of me, the most wonderful physical feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. And now seeing pictures of him, seeing how happy he has made so many people around him and how happy he is makes it all worth any kind of pain that comes with the territory. Reed has made me so happy, but so have Doug, Maura, their family, and Bill. Pain will continue to come, I’m sure of it. But so will the joy.

And with perfect timing, in the middle of writing this post, I checked my e-mail and read an update from Maura. Here’s most of the e-mail:

Hi Bill and Rachel,

We thought of you both a lot this weekend. The IAC [the adoption agency we went through] picnic was Saturday and then yesterday was Reed's 6 month birthday, of course. I hope sometime we'll be able to go to the picnic together. It was a hot, but very nice event - so much fun to see new and old families created through adoption, meet people who we'd been rooting for via internet, see so many babies and kids thriving, etc. There were a few birth families present which was great, but it would have been nice if there were more. Jen, the woman you met at the dog park in chapel Hill, was there with her family too! [When I met Jen at the park I was still pregnant and I ended up telling her about our open adoption plans. That really resonated with her and her husband who had initially been thinking about international adoption, and shortly after they contacted the IAC and started their own process.] They just finished all of their paperwork and their home study is almost complete. They are excited to be done with all that and are optimistic about matching with someone soon.

Meanwhile Doug's parents were here looking at houses in the area so Reed got some extra grandparent time and Marli [his 1.5 year old cousin] time - which he loves! It was nice to celebrate Reed's birthday with so many family around. We didn't exactly have a party, but we sang happy birthday to him (which he gets very excited about), told him his birth story again, and played and doted on him like we always do, which still feels so celebratory every day.

. . . . .

She also told me he has 3 teeth. :)

Mothers Day

2010-05-10T22:01:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday I celebrated my very first Mothers day. If at any other point in my life someone had asked me how I would imagine me celebrating Mothers Day if that day were to come, there's no way I could have predicted the answer: by myself in a bar in Singapore. Ok, it's not really as depressing as it sounds. I actually had a good day. I treated myself to sleeping in, reading, going to the gym, and then getting dressed up to take myself out to dinner. I chose to go to The Long Bar, one of Singapore's oldest and most famous bars that has seen the likes of Charlie Chaplin and other back in the day celebrities. I sat at a woven bamboo table under big leaf shaped fans, sipped on some cool white wine, munched on peanuts and threw the shells on the ground, and ordered a delicious seafood appetizer. I also brought along a notebook to start working on something that has been in my head for a while; a children's story about all of the adventures that Reed and I had together when I was pregnant with him. I enjoyed reflecting on my time with him, and thinking about being in Colorado, Thailand, Alaska, and North Carolina during my pregnancy made me smile.

I'm not going to elaborate too much on it, but I think I've been getting a better grasp on what it means to be Reed's mother. It seems like a simple concept, but in the world of adoption, it could mean so many things. As I've reflected and searched my heart, I've uncovered some insecurities I've had about being his mother, as though just because the law says I have no rights to him, that I have to be careful not to get too close to him or interfere with his family's life. I shared these thoughts more in depth with Bill and Maura, and I think all of us were surprised to learn they were there. Doug and Maura have never given me any kind of reason to doubt that they were in full support of my relationship with Reed, and have always been clear that they wanted me and Bill to have as much of a relationship with Reed and their whole family as we possibly could. Maybe it was from my own previous ideas about what adoption is that planted those thoughts in me, or maybe it's from a few conversations I've had with others who have suggested I need to step back and let Maura and Doug be able to parent Reed without having me in the way, and then I should re-surface in about a year or so. I've never agreed during those conversations, but I can't pretend that the thought didn't cross my mind when I was considering moving to Singapore.

I've always known that a traditional closed or even a semi-open adoption would not do for me, but I'm realizing that my ideas of openness are still tainted with ideas of what adoption has been in the past, or for other people. I'm finding hidden thoughts and attitudes that I didn't even realize I had that have told me that I have to be an outsider looking in on Reed's life. However, I'm also realizing more and more that I can erase those ideas, and follow what is right for our own situation, not what is dictated by the law or the past history of adoption. I also want to continue to uncover and face any thoughts and feelings I have towards the adoption, because I want nothing to get in the way of a wonderful relationship with my son and our new family.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more I could write about this, but I'm keeping it relatively short. I do want to give props to an interview I read on an open adoption website though, between an adoption worker and an anti-adoption adoptee blogger named Weaver. There were many things Weaver said that I didn't agree with, but her perspective as someone who is adopted and is now adamantly against it is what uncovered these hidden thoughts and attitudes I had in my heart. I'm thankful for everyone who has been able to share their adoption stories so we can all learn from each other.

A side note: I keep trying to add some links on to my page, such as the one with the interview, as well as some other bloggers who have experience with open adoption, but I'm having trouble with it. I think it's under the User Error category. Hopefully I'll be able to get it straightened out soon, but until then, a blog called Amstel Life has been particularly interesting for me to read, since it's from a young lady with a daughter who was adopted a few years ago. They seem to have a great open relationship, and it's been great for me to read about it.

My new life begins

2010-04-28T16:28:00.000-07:00

Here’s a quick update on my life:

I’m now in Singapore. I know, I know, I just got back from China, right? And what about that job I was suppose to start in Vermont? And how the heck did I suddenly end up in Singapore? The Friday before I left China, the last day of my class, I had an interview with a program in Singapore via web-cam that teaches children how to read in English, and it went really well. I liked what I heard about the job, but I would need to start on May 3rd, only two weeks away from when I interviewed. I left China the next Saturday, spent the night in Hong Kong and flew home from there on Sunday, arriving back in North Carolina Sunday night. I needed to make a decision by Monday evening, so I had a lot of thinking to do. How does one make a decision like that? Did I mention that the job included a two year commitment? Two years!!! In the last five years, I haven’t been anywhere longer than 6 months, so that’s a big deal for me even without thinking about being away from Reed for that long. During the interview I made sure that I would have enough vacation time to come back to the U.S. more than just once. These were my two main thoughts: on one hand, Reed is only 4 months old, and right now he doesn’t know if I come or go. His whole world revolves around Maura, and even in a couple of years from now, it’s Maura and Doug who are going to be the light of his world. If I were to do something like this, maybe now would be the ideal time to do it. Not that I’ve ever felt like I was in the way, or that Doug and Maura have ever wished I weren’t so close, but maybe it would be a good thing for them if they had this time where I stepped back. On the other hand, I don’t ever want there to be a time when I’m not in Reed’s life. I never want it to not be a big deal if I go for several months or a whole year without seeing him. I’m not saying that that will never happen, but there better be a really good reason for it if it does. So if I don’t want that to be a trend, would it be wise for me to start out the first two years of his life with me being so far away? I know I have vacation time, but what if something comes up and I’m not able to take it?

I knew I couldn’t make the decision to accept the position or not while I was still in China, I had to be back home, with Reed and all the people there who are important to me, to give me some grounding in my decision. Bill and I went to see Reed and Maura on Monday, and I told her about the offer. Her jaw dropped, especially after I told her I would have to leave again in a week. There are some decisions that are impossible to make entirely with the brain, so I knew I was going to have to rely on my heart. I prayed for guidance, and I trusted that once I was with Reed again, that I would know what was going to be right for me to do.

Finally my decision was to go. When I decided on adoption, I knew there would be a time when I would need to continue on with my life. Staying in one place and lingering around him was never part of the plan. Even though I love Reed with all my heart, I’ve always known that the day would come when I’m away from him, and the reason why I chose Doug and Maura is because I trust that even then they will keep me as one of the key ingredients to their family and in Reed’s life. Also, I believe that what is good for me is good for Reed, and this job had too many benefits to pass up. I went through with the adoption for Reed, and I’m going on with my life for him, too. The way I see it is that this is the beginning of my life with him in it, the life I’m suppose to lead with my heart focused on him all the while. And with Reed being such an important part of the core of my life, shouldn’t I make the most of it? For me and for him? I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t making any sense; there is a lot of meat here that I’m just barely touching on, ideas my thoughts have been resting on for a while, since I first found out I was pregnant. It goes down to the core of why I chose adoption in the first place, and ideas of what really is best, what is best for whom, and what is considered selfish. I would like to hash out some of these thoughts, but I’ll have to save it for another time.

The rest of the week I had left I spent packing, getting rid of things and minimizing my life again, and enjoying the spring and all the blooms that have resulted from it. Bill and I went over to Reed's house for dinner on Wednesday night, and Saturday we had our adoption party, our celebration of Reed and our new roles in each others lives. We thought of having it when the adoption was actually official, but decided we should take the opportunity to have it now while we were all still together. Doug and Maura invited all of their friends and family to their house for the celebration, people who have been supporting them throughout their whole adoption process, and me and Bill since we first arrived in NC. Then on Monday, Bill and I met Doug, Maura and Reed at the airport to say goodbye. I cried lots of tears, and even though he was cranky from being smushed between my hugs with Maura, I couldn't get enough of holding my little boy. I said goodbye to Maura and Doug, to Reed, and finally to Bill. Now, as I'm sitting in a hotel room in Singapore, jet lagged and thinking about those people who have taken up so much real estate in my heart, I wonder what these next two years will bring. This is the real beginning of my life with Reed.

pics!

2010-04-19T05:38:00.000-07:00

I can't just post a bunch of words, so here are some recent pictures of that gorgeous boy. There is a photojournalism student at UNC who has has been working on a project featuring Reed's adoption, and she has become a good friend and has taken some really great pictures. We've been lucky to have her around; we get our own personal photographer, and we like sharing our story with others, hoping it will touch or inspire at least someone.

My Latest Adventures

2010-04-19T05:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything. In February it was because I was being lazy about it, and in March and April it's been because I've been in China and didn't have access to my blog page in such a heavily internet censored country. However I did write a few entries while I was there, so I'm posting them now in this one long post. It's kind of long, but it was really good for me to keep writing and processing. If you make it through them, hope you enjoy!

Saturday March 21, 2010
I am now in Zhuhai, China. I arrived yesterday, and will be here for the next 4 weeks getting my TEFL certification to teach English in other countries. I don’t even know if or when I’ll actually use the certification since I already have a job waiting for me in Vermont that is completely unrelated to teaching, but I think it would be nice to have something to stick in my back pocket and have it ready to pull out if the opportunity presents itself. Lately I’ve been all about keeping all of my options open, and since I’ve had this whole winter and spring season off from work, it’s the perfect time to take action to increase those possibilities by doing something like going to China for a month. I could have gone somewhere in New York, but with the cost of living and a more expensive class, it was actually cheaper for me to come all the way to China. Besides, why not go to China? I’d much rather be here than New York.
Anyway, so far I love it. I have 11 classmates ranging from 23 to 70 years old, mostly Chinese, American, and English. I’m staying in an apartment about a five minute walk from the school, so I get to walk through all sorts of shops and food vendors on the way. I won’t go into all the details now, but I wanted to get something down to get me started. Who knows what the next four weeks will hold!
Saturday March 27, 2010
Today was our first day off from classes. So far, every day our schedule has been class from 9am-5pm. I’ve loved being a student again and I’m loving everything about the class, but it was nice to have a break. So I took advantage of it by exploring the city with one of my other classmates and one of my teachers. The teacher has lived here for three years, so he had lots of useful information about which buses to take where, and where the best bakeries and street food carts are. Besides the thrill of exploring a new city in a different country, our teacher provided entertainment for me in and of himself. An Aussie ex-patriot, he has a colorful personality and coordinates his clothing to match it. Today he met us wearing purple and white tennis shoes that more closely resembled bowling shoes, a bright yellow jacket, and carried a shiny, red and purple, hard cased back pack. That, along with his long, gray mustache, ponytail, and vibrant Aussie accent, make him a novelty to be around. Even after three years he has never bothered to learn a lick of Mandarin (though to his credit he is fluent in Thai), but don’t think that stops him from interacting with as many people as he can. On the bus, at the bank, in an elevator, on the street, everywhere he goes he is talking to people, even though they have no idea what he is saying. “I can tell you’re a cheeky sausage, eh?” he says to a little boy on the bus who is staring at him. “And just where do you think you’re going?” he says with a laughing voice to girl who accidentally bumped into him at the crowded mall. The recipients of his comments, many times young children, usually can only stare back at him with a blank but amused expression.
The children here seem to have a very present role in the culture here in China. I see them everywhere, and not just being toted around by their mothers. The families seem to take more of an interest in their children and make them a part of their daily routine rather than just leave them in a daycare while the adults carry on with their business. Maybe that’s what triggered the dream I had last night about Reed. In the dream, he was about 4 years old, and we were at some sort of park with lots of other children and families around. We were playing and having so much fun, I remember he would climb on the monkey bars and then let go at the highest point so I could catch him. We were playing on the swings, in the sand pit, on the merry-go-round, running around, laughing, hugging and cuddling non-stop. Then it was time to say goodbye, and I couldn’t find the words to tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him how happy he makes me, how special he is to me, that I would always love him no matter what, that I always wanted to be a part of his life. But all that came out was a string of sounds that, while my heart understood perfectly what was being said, was audibly unintelligible to anyone else, especially to Reed.
Today as I was exploring the city and watching my instructor interact with children who had no idea what he was saying, I thought about the dream. I knew that in the dream Reed was too young to understand what was in my heart to tell him. I’ve thought about that before; that right now he has no idea how much I think about him and pray for him, how much my heart is overwhelmed by him. But then something else struck me. I realized that in the dream, all it was to him was a great play date. My emotions were all over the place because I was saying goodbye to him, but his primary emotion would start in just a moment… when he saw his mommy. Maura. That was why I was saying goodbye to him, because it was time for Maura to pick him up, and the second he saw her, his face would light up. He would run to her and all would be right once again in his little world. I don’t think that actually happened in the dream, but it’s one of those things that I just know was there. No matter how much I love him, Reed will always love Maura more than he will ever love me. (Hello ton of bricks.) I think I’ve known that in theory, but not in reality. I was looking through some of the pictures I have of him, and there are several of him snuggling close to Maura because that is where his safety and security is. I’m so thankful for the special bond between them, but I can’t help but acknowledge this new challenge of unconditional love: to completely love someone for the rest of my life, knowing that he will never completely love me back. I can’t compete with the love he has and will have for Maura, nor do I want to, it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. My hope (and plan) is that my consistent openness in relationship and communication with Reed will one day give him somewhat of an understanding, a peek into what I feel for him, what he means to me. Until then, I will love him entirely from afar. That is, I will love him entirely, and unconditionally.
Monday March 29th
After the last entry I wrote the other day, I’m taking a break from any heavy stuff. Right now I’m sitting in my bedroom in my flat, just enjoying the fact that I’m here. Bugs have somehow managed to forget that Zhuhai exists, so our flat always has windows and balcony doors open to let plenty of air in, as well as sounds from the city, smells from the street vendors, and castings of colored light from all the neon signs around. Tonight after class I went with a couple of classmates for dinner at a little barbecue stand. There was a table out in the open with a bunch of skewered items, of which we picked out what we wanted and handed them to the cook. He then grilled them and brought them to our little plastic table when they were finished. I stayed away from the chicken feet, but since that was the only thing I could identify, I had a whole meal of who-knows-what on a stick. Thankfully, they were all quite tasty. As the three of us sat in the open air talking, drinking beer and spitting out the bones of our mystery meat, I had one of those happy moments of “God I love my life.” While writing my last entry I went through nearly a whole roll of toilet paper because I was crying so much. But the crying still isn’t any indication of misery. I’m still so thankful for the reason for those tears, that I have a gorgeous son in my life. I think Reed’s introduction has made me love my life that much more, simply because he’s in it.
Sunday April 4th
Happy Easter! The only reason I know that it’s Easter is because Bill sent me an e-mail saying he was going over to Doug and Maura’s to partake in some Easter festivities; otherwise, there is absolutely no indication of it here in China. However this is a three day weekend, as tomorrow is a festival day having something to do with honoring ancestors, so everyone gets the day off to go visit their family graves. Tonight I was walking around exploring my little neighborhood, and I’ve become convinced that one could spend their whole life here without leaving a half mile radius. Everything is available here; shops selling everything you could think of (there’s even a kitchen sink shop!), repair shops, grocery stores, pharmacies, karaoke bars, plenty of noodle shops, barber shops, massage parlors and spas, bakeries, a vegetable market and a fish market, and plenty of street vendors selling everything from flowers to nuts to steel sponges to scrub your pots with. I’ve heard of people in big cities like New York that have never left their neighborhood and it always seemed unimaginable to me. But now I can understand how a person who works everyday so he or she doesn’t have much free time to spare, and has all the conveniences they need at their fingertips, wouldn’t really need to go far at all.
But here comes the best part of my night. First of all, I found the lady who makes the delicious Chinese pancakes I love so much. I’ve heard she often sells just around the corner from my apartment building, but I’ve never seen her. Tonight to my delight she was there, so I bought a fresh, hot pancake (which is actually more like a crisp, thin, flatbread with herbs and spices rolled into the dough before being smeared against the wall of a small, circular oven to cook), and then continued walking down the street in a direction I haven’t yet been. Several of the shops were starting to close, so the number of people was dramatically thinning out, but then I started to hear music so I kept on walking. Then I found out what the music was for. First of all, let me describe the walkways in Zhuhai; there’s the main road with cars zooming past and pedestrians playing their own version of the game Frogger trying to get across. Then on both sides of the road where the shops are, there is a smaller kind of road that is mostly for the many pedestrians meandering in and out of the shops, but also wide enough for cars to park in and pass through. So it’s kind of like a large sidewalk/street/small parking lot. Anyway, I was walking down one of these large areas towards the music, and in a dark section that looked like it was closed for the night, there was a DJ with huge speakers playing something with an Indian or Mid East kind of beat, and about 50 people or so were all dancing together. Some were young, some had children with them, most were older. Many were dancing in pairs, be it parent and child, husband and wife, or two women or two men dancing together. They all seemed to have deliberate steps they were trying to follow, but none of them were the same. The best part about it was that none of them were very good, it reminded me of a school dance in junior high with people stiffly shuffling about, staring at each other’s feet, wondering if they look cool or not. Except here people didn’t seem to care what they looked like. An old man was in the middle scooting around by himself, a pregnant woman was free flowing on the outskirts of the crowd. I loved it! The music changed to something more Asian sounding. Then, just as I had finished my yummy pancake, I saw an old, withered hand stretch out in front of me. I was being asked to dance! Of course I accepted the invitation, so I joined in with the other ‘kids’ and stared at my partners feet so I wouldn’t step on his toes, and shuffled around the dance floor/parking lot. We would shuffle erratically for a bit, he would spin me twice one way and then twice the other, give me a big, half toothed smile and a thumbs up, and then we would resume our shuffling. I wonder if that old man knows he made my night? After the song was over, I thanked him and then left just as a European song was being played. Just another thing I found to make me love this place.
Thursday April 15th 2010
Who knew I would end up having so much fun with this course? Certainly not me! I mean, I figured I’d love China, but the whole experience has been so incredibly fun for me. I’ve loved my classmates so much, we all get along so well that even after class is through for the day several of us end up hanging out in the classroom anyway. Ok we’re not just hanging out, there really is a lot of work we have to do. But still, we often talk about how much we love being there, and we don’t mind doing the work because we don’t mind being there anyway. I’ve also loved teaching, coming up with materials, being in front of the students and interacting with them, everything. I’ve been encouraged several times before to become a teacher and have always resisted it, but this seems to fit me like a glove. Even though I have a job waiting for me at a resort in Vermont for the summer, I’ve posted my resume on a couple of different places, just to see what happens. If it’s a good enough job, I just might be able to be tempted away from Vermont, but it would have to be a really good offer. The scary thing would be to be away from Reed for a whole year at a time. Like everything else, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens, while keeping all the doors open. In the meantime, I can’t wait to see my baby boy again! I’ll be flying out on Sunday, and hopefully see him on Monday. At that time, I’ll be able to post all of these blogs, and maybe do some processing. Until then, I’m keeping this one short… trying to avoid my tendency to ramble!

2010-02-14T17:36:00.001-08:00

Yesterday Reed turned two months old. My how he has grown! We see him about once a week, and it seems that every time we do he is so different from the last time. This wide eyed, inquisitive little boy is very different from the baby I held just after giving birth. He is holding his head up high and turning it towards what he’s interested in, his legs are becoming strong enough to almost stand (I swear he must be doing squats or something in his spare time), and he has the most adorable smile! It’s so exciting to watch him grow, and to see him turning into the little man he is and will become.

There are so many thoughts I could share and I want to keep up with my thoughts throughout this whole process, but I always struggle with which thoughts out of the millions to write down for this blog. So today I’ve decided to address how I’ve dealt with the absence of Reed in my life.

First of all, let me clarify that Reed is not out of my life by any means, he will always be a part of it. I’m talking about the physical absence from him, and dealing with that as a woman who has gone through the whole physical ordeal of pregnancy and birth, but does not have the physical baby with her. When I was pregnant, I was a slow, waddling woman. People had to wait on me all the time, but they did it with smiles on their faces. I would have total strangers tell me how cute I was with my big huge belly, they would open doors for me, wave for me to pass in parking lots, or rush to pick something up for me if I dropped it. Then I gave birth and became an even slower, waddling woman, but my baby didn’t come home with me. It hurt to walk, sit, bend, I could barely even stand up straight. But no one was rushing to open doors or pick something up for me, and there were only honks for me to hurry up when I was moving at a snails pace across the parking lot. I had to adjust to not being pregnant anymore, not just physically but emotionally. I had all the healing and recovering to do of a woman who has just had a baby, but with no baby to hold or to show for it. In my mind, somehow I wasn’t justified for feeling so weak or in pain. In fact, I almost expected Maura to feel as weak as I did, just because she was the one with the newborn!

When I was pregnant and had decided on adoption, since I wasn’t ashamed of or regretted any of my actions or decisions, I also decided to make a conscious effort be open about the adoption. If it came up in conversation and anyone asked or made comments about my plans for nursing, babysitting, baby clothes or furniture, or anything of that nature, I would tell them about the adoption. Ok, I used discretion; I didn’t feel the need to blab my story to every person I met, but I didn’t want to lie about it or cover it up. After I gave birth, I’ve still had to make that conscious effort. I’ve been going to the YMCA to try to work off the PPP (Post-Partum Pooch) and get back in shape, but when I first started going back, I could barely do most of the leg lift moves in the pilates class. The instructor came over to me to try to correct my form, so I had to tell her during class that I had just had a baby and needed to modify some of the moves. “Oh, how wonderful! Is he in the childcare room now?” she asked. “No, he was adopted.” The whole class turned and looked at me. In another class, I mentioned I had just had a baby, and a woman said, “Well, the key to losing the baby weight is to breast feed. You are obviously breast feeding because you look great, but if you weren’t you wouldn’t stand a chance.” I was kind of taken back at the confidence behind her assumption, so I have to admit I did take a little pleasure in telling her that I wasn’t breastfeeding and why.

Once I tell them, people are generally very curious about it and are very congratulatory and encouraging about the situation. But there are still times where I catch myself feeling that I’m not justified. At the gym I shouldn’t have a PPP, because those are reserved for women who actually have their babies, right? I keep telling myself that I go to the gym to get back into shape and feel healthy again, and that is largely true. I’ve always been in great shape and very strong and active. But if I’m perfectly honest with myself, I think that if I were the one taking care of my baby, the PPP wouldn’t bother me so much. I want to get rid of it because I don’t have my son to justify it. Like I don't have the right to have any pain or weakness related to the pregnancy or birth, or to be out of shape from it.

I’m still completely comfortable with the adoption. There is not any part of me that wishes I had done anything differently. I’ve never had any second thoughts, and I’m assured more and more every day that this has been the most wonderful experience and we have the most incredible situation. But I haven’t been so naïve to think that there would be no emotional results to deal with. And I’m pretty sure that there will continue to be many more issues for me to address for years to come. But I’m not writing this blog to share my answers, just my journey.

You Better Believe It!

2010-01-14T11:15:00.000-08:00

Wow, I can’t believe Reed is a month old!!! But then, there are suddenly a lot of things I’m finding it hard to believe. Obvious things, like “was I really just pregnant?” Yup, and I have the line going down the middle of my still flabby belly to prove it. I know I was, I know I had a little boy growing inside of me, but now when I think about it, there’s an element of disbelief.

It’s the same feeling I get every time I look at him. Soon after he was born, we were at his new cozy home and Maura asked me what it’s like to see him. “… Amazing” was all I could utter out. It was so amazing to me that I gave birth to this person, that I was finally looking at the one who was growing inside me. It is so amazing to me that when I was pregnant we were so connected and one (as I somewhat described in my last blog), and now I was looking at this totally complete individual with his own personality, tastes, quirks, etc., whom I had to get to know. Is it just me or is that mind blowing? Is it just because I'm somewhat separated from him now because of the adoption, or do all mothers think that?

I get the feeling that there is a lot of curiosity about how I’m doing post-partum. Some people I can tell are on tiptoes, trying to gently feel out some kind of vibe from me. And then there are those who come out and ask me “So do you think about him a lot?” “What’s it like to see your son in someone else’s home?” No beating around the bush, just cut it down and trample right over it! I for one prefer that approach. So in answer to those questions and how I’m doing in general, I again find myself in that state of disbelief. Every morning when I wake up I pick up my phone while I’m still in bed and scroll through the pictures I have of him to remind myself that he’s real, and in my own way, to say good morning to him. I constantly have the old We Five song running through my head, “When I woke up this morning, You were on my mind..” (yes, I had to look that up… originally written by Sylvia Tyson, made famous by We Five). When I go on a walk on the trail that I walked on everyday while I was pregnant (that is, since I’ve been in this current NC residence) and I can actually see my feet, I can’t believe there was a time when my big belly was in the way. And since I’m still recovering physically from the birthing process (though I am doing better and better every day), when I stop and think about what I’m actually recovering from, it seems as though it were something that happened in a dream or in another life.

So while I've never really have a “normal” life or routine to revert back to, I’m trying to at least get on with my life with this being my new starting point. I’m attempting to get my body back into shape, if not for the physical appearance and self confidence, at least so that I don’t have to add to my wardrobe with those in-between sizes of clothing. I’ve also started looking ahead to what’s next, with opportunities in places from Wyoming to Nepal, making plans to visit family in Texas, even reading about investment plans for retirement. But since Reed was born, everything I do seems to fall into a separate category from my previous life; one that, even though I’m still in this state of disbelief, somehow has it’s grounding in him. “What would I bring home for Reed if I go to Nepal?” “How much more hair will he have when I see him again if I go to Wyoming for the summer?” “If I’m in some remote part of the world, will I have internet access to see pictures of him?” “I wonder what he will be doing with his life when I’m ready to retire?”

And then there are the times when I actually see him. I get to hold him, to feel him, hear his cries, smell him and breathe him in, and the emotions get even more complexed. At those times, everything is brought home for me and made real; there’s hardly been a time when I’ve seen him and not cried (for that matter, there’s hardly been a time when I haven’t thought of him and not cried!). The tears and disbelief haven’t come with any feelings of loss as was promised me by the ‘experts’, nor have they come with grief, sadness or regret. They are more like tears of intensity, because all of the emotions I feel towards him- amazement, love, joy, as well as the disbelief, are all so intense. Again the only thing I can think when I’m holding him is that I can’t believe it! I can’t believe I’m holding my son! And My God I can’t believe how much I love this little guy! I can’t help but wonder if Doug and Maura still look at him when he’s in their arms and, reveling in their own disbelief and amazement, think the exact same thing.

Pictures of THE DAY!!

2009-12-28T16:23:00.000-08:00

I couldn't get these pictures in the order I wanted, but at least you'll get an idea of the people and the support I had during the incredible birth of this very special little boy. We were so happy to finally meet him!

Do they look like happy parents or what?

And finally... here he is!

I'm a big fan of water birth; the water supported me when my legs were shaking and could barely hold me up anymore, plus it was warm and soothing. The most uncomfortable I was during the whole time was when I laid down on the bed... I'm so glad I wasn't in that position at a hospital!

As soon as we got to the birth center, Bill, Shelley, Kathryn, Doug and Maura were quick to do everything they could to make me as comfortable as possible and make sure I had everything I needed.

Lots of helping hands; it was very empowering and healing.

This is the last picture of the "spectacular" belly. I was actually in the beginning stages of labor when this picture was taken, so I knew this was as big as it was going to get.

Labor Day!!!

2009-12-26T08:05:00.000-08:00

My gorgeous, beautiful son was born on the morning of Sunday, December 13th. What an experience, I don’t even know if I can begin to describe it. I chose to have a water delivery at a birthing center rather than go the hospital route, and I’m so glad I did. Most of the labor I was able to do at home, which started very early Saturday morning. Finally, when the contractions were intense and frequent, we met the midwife at the birth center at 4:30 Sunday morning. Bill, Shelley, my sister Kathryn who was visiting from Texas and I arrived, and shortly after came Doug and Maura. There was an energy in the air, the kind that completely wipes out the feeling one usually has at being awake at 4am. Like waking up early to get ready for an exciting road trip… times 10.

During my whole pregnancy it was all about me. Someone who didn’t agree with my decision towards adoption had told me I was being selfish and that it wasn’t about me. My response was that yes, actually it is all about me. I’m the one housing this baby, I’m the one taking care of him, I’m the one (along with Bill of course) who makes the decisions for his life. In that particular conversation the person seemed to be extremely concerned with what happens to the baby and not at all interested in any aspect of my life. I told her she can’t get to the baby without going through me.

That’s true with any expectant mom. There is so much interest in this new life and people want to express that interest and concern, but everything must be channeled through the mother for the first nine months. I loved that channeling process. I loved it when a hand was placed on my belly. Someone was touching me, but it was meant for the baby. We were one. When I was at work in Alaska and my employees were constantly taking things out of my hands saying I shouldn’t be carrying anything, they were taking care of me and showing their concern for this boy they had never met. When someone became protective of me, they were protecting the baby. When someone saw me waddling into the supermarket and they opened the door and pulled the cart out for me, it was also for my baby. Everything was channeled to him through me, especially the love I felt from Bill, Doug, Maura, and their family and friends.

I knew that for that time it was all about me, I was the center of attention because I was carrying this incredibly special boy. All eyes were on me, but only because all of our hearts were on him. So at the birth center as we all gathered there knowing that the time was soon to come, I felt that channeling of love and anticipation even more intensely. Just as we had learned in our birthing class, my entourage of support were rubbing my shoulders, massaging my feet, bringing me water, putting cold towels on my neck, wiping my forehead, pulling back my hair. Some people may be intimidated at having so many people around when going through such an intimate and intense event like giving birth, but with every touch I felt strengthened and supported. I felt it even more because I knew it wasn’t only for me, but also for this life inside of me. Did that make me feel less loved? Or that it was only my baby that anyone was interested in? Not at all; my son and I were at that time so connected that any love anyone had for him I felt was equally dispersed to me, and vice versa. At one point, I was in the tub intensely pushing and every person in the room had a hand on me. How can I explain that feeling, that feeling of so much love and strength given to me by other people, so much energy from anticipation, and the feeling of me transferring that to my son? I don’t think it’s possible to translate that into words.

Everything for the past nine months had been leading up to this point. Lives had been rearranged for this moment. People had traveled thousands of miles for this moment. Every thing I had done for the past nine months; everything I had eaten, every walk I took, every yoga and birthing class I went to, every time I slept, every breath I took was for this little guy I was about to meet. Every kick or hiccup I felt reminded me that he was getting ready for this moment.

I was pushing so hard that I was making deep grunting noises. I was concentrated, focused. He had already crowned about half an hour ago, and I could feel the top of his head. I pushed and pushed, “come on Reed, come on baby,” I was coaching to him. And then, suddenly, everyone gasped. What? What happened? Then before I knew it I was leaning back in the tub and was being handed this beautiful, pink, dark haired baby boy! He had shot out so fast I didn’t even realize it! And there he was in my arms, the one whos’ every movement I had felt, who Bill and I and Doug and Maura had been dreaming about, wondering what it would be like to finally meet him. “So you’re the one!” were my first words to him. And then, as I had said to him every single day since I first learned of his existence, I said “You are so special to me.”

At that instant, every act of love and concern that had been showed to me became even more alive in him. We had been listening to a compilation cd of some mellow music that they happened to have at the birth center, and the song “blackbird” by the Beatles was playing on the cd player at the moment of his birth. How appropriate; “you were only waiting for this moment to arrive.”

Counting the days... and my blessings

2009-12-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

My due date is tomorrow. Not that I'm really expecting anything to happen on the actual due date; there is only a small percentage of women who actually deliver naturally on their due date. But still, something about that date, December 10th, the day we've all been telling people and talking about, rouses this little voice in my head that shouts "TOMORROW!!!!!!"

Even if I don't go in to labor tomorrow, that date signifies that the end is near- very near. The end of a period of time often brings about a time of reflection, and nearing the end of my pregnancy has certainly been no different. Over the course of these last nine months (actually about 7 1/2 months that I actually knew I was pregnant) I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and evaluating where I am in life. I try to take stock of where I am regularly, but having a baby has encouraged me to look deeper, as has my decision towards adoption. But here I want to take the time to write down some of these reflections, specifically the things I have become especially grateful for.

I've heard some women say that they love being pregnant. That they never felt so good, that they have never been healthier or happier. I wonder if they really physically feel that incredible during their pregnancy or if a large portion of it is that they are mentally and emotionally excited about having a baby. I had a roommate in college who, when she was frustrated with her studies, would say, "I don't even want this degree, I just want to be a mommy!" I've never been able to relate to that sentiment, I've never felt any kind of biological or emotional need to have children or for the feeling of being pregnant. So maybe it's part of that anticipation or need that I'm missing for me to be able to say that I've felt great throughout my whole pregnancy, but I just can't say that. I hated feeling sick for 5 months straight, I hated being at work and having to lay my head down on my desk because of nausea and exhaustion just to have my boss walk in with a list of things for me to do. I've hated the feeling of pain my legs have felt, which I can only liken to the sensation two toothpicks must feel having to hold up a watermelon.

No, I had no desire to feel any of those things. But I'll never forget the first time I felt my little boy move.. my God what an experience!!!!! While I was working in Alaska, there were times when I would just sit in my office with my hand over my stomach, feeling those tiny kicks and punches, and I couldn't help but smile. My heart was smiling. Everything in me was smiling, and if my baby knew how happy he was making me, I bet he was smiling too. It's incredible! Even now, his movement is one of the most wonderful physical sensations I've ever experienced. And it's a good thing, because he is very active! Sometimes he just moves a foot or a hand, and then there are the times when I feel like he is making up for the the kickboxing workouts that I can no longer do. And with every single movement, with every wave of my belly, I am amazed and in awe of this life inside of me.

I've mentioned before the negative stigma adoption often has for the birth parents. An unplanned pregnancy, giving up a child, a tragic event. No wonder the idea of an open adoption throws many people for a loop. Who would want to remember and be involved in such a tragic happening? As I've learned with so many adoptions, that just isn't the case. Sure I had the moments when I first found out that were punctuated with choice expletives, but even those moments didn't last long. I look at this experience as such a positive thing, and I'm so thankful for everything I've been given. Would I have ever known the sensation of my son moving inside of me? Would I ever have had the honor and privilege of birthing a child? Of creating a life? Maybe it hasn't been in the way I would have chosen for myself, but I am experiencing things, I am experiencing life, in a way that might not ever have happened if it had been up to my plans. With the incredible support I've had, the people around me like Bill and Shelley who have re-arranged their lives to be here with me, not to mention the most wonderful people I could imagine to raise our son, how can this not be a positive experience for me? I don't feel that I need to convince others of that as much as I feel the need to pinch myself. "Is this really happening? I'm really going to have a baby, I'm really going to finally meet this little guy who has totally surprised and shaken my entire life? Is everything really working out this splendidly? How could I ask for anything to go any smoother?"

There are some things I can be more specifically thankful for, like the fact that I have gotten zero stretch marks (olive oil and vitamin E oil drenching the belly every day may have helped), or that my ankles and hands never swelled. Also the invention heating pads for my back and of bungee shoe laces that have made all my shoes slip-ons are not to be missed. Sure I've had my complaints, but all in all I'd say I've had a relatively easy and healthy pregnancy. And there have even been a few pleasant surprises, like the fact that for some odd reason the hair on my legs has mostly stopped growing. Seriously, I haven't shaved in 5 months and one would have to look really hard to find a few scraggly white hairs. I've never heard any other pregnant women claim that, but hey, I'll take it!

But when I go on my walks in the mornings, as I'm waddling ever more slowly on the trail, and I think about where I am in life and how I've gotten here, I can't help but be thankful for every moment. Everything that has led me up to this point, every pull and stretch I feel on my legs that remind me of my healthy, growing baby, every person I've met who has given me encouragement and support, every moment I have by myself to reflect on how blessed I've been, even in the surprises. I can't help but offer up thanks and praise.

Cast of Characters: Doug and Maura

2009-11-27T14:05:00.000-08:00

Doug and Maura (adoptive parents)

As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started talking to my baby. He has always been very easy to talk to; a great listener, never interrupts, and he doesn’t seem to be bothered when I change my mind or when I don’t know the words to figure out what I’m trying to say. He is (quite literally) closer to my heart than anyone. He is my son, he always will be my son, and I have never once thought of letting him out of my life.
Wait a minute, aren’t I giving him up for adoption? Isn’t that by definition letting him out of my life? Not a chance! As soon as I started thinking about adoption as being a possibility, I knew that I couldn’t go through life only wondering about my son. I already loved him too much to even consider the option of not being able to tell him that every chance I got. So when I started looking for adoptive parents, I let them know immediately that we were a package deal, that pictures and occasional e-mail, letter or phone call updates wasn’t enough. Not that I planned on barging my way into someone’s home; nesting into one spot is contradictory to my life style. But I knew whoever my son’s family was, they were going to be my family as well.
Some couples I contacted replied that they were not comfortable with that level of openness in an adoption. Some welcomed it; one family already had an adopted son and wished that his birth mother was more willing to have an open relationship with their whole family. Some couples didn’t respond at all. I later found out that since I was in Thailand when I first started contacting couples from the parentprofiles.com website, a warning e-mail was sent out to those I had contacted saying it might be a scam. I can see why; some lady in Thailand wanting an American couple to adopt her baby, and she says they have to adopt her into their family, too? Definitely scam material! Fortunately, when Doug and Maura got that e-mail, it just confirmed everything that I had already told them, that I was a traveler and that I found out I was pregnant while I was in Thailand.
As I told them my story and they told me more about themselves, it became more and more obvious that we had several things in common. I had a bachelors degree in social work, Maura was a child and family therapist. I was a potter and had even started going to graduate school for studio ceramics, Doug was a successful potter with his own studio. Since working at a summer camp in North Carolina for 5 summers I had always loved that state, and they lived out in a wooded area in NC. After reading their profile and a few e-mails were exchanged, I couldn’t wait to talk to them. Once we did have a phone conversation, I knew they were the ones. I was hesitant to say that decision out loud because I wanted to give it a little time, to make sure I was making the right decision, that I wasn’t jumping the gun on one of the most important decisions I would ever make. But every time I spoke to anyone about it, especially to my son about the kind of parents I wanted for him, I couldn’t think of anyone more perfect than Doug and Maura.
When they came up to Alaska to meet me for the first time, we were all so excited. I think I smiled the whole day at work in anticipation of their arrival. During that week together we went on walks, ate dinners together, I introduced them to my friends and co-workers, and we talked a lot. We mostly talked about our families, our histories, how we grew up, what our lives are like now. We also discussed some heavier, ‘what if’ issues. What if the baby is born with Down syndrome, or has some kind of physical or mental handicap? What if he discovers he is gay? What if I’m having twins? (We hadn’t had an ultrasound yet, so at the time we didn’t even know he was a boy.) They were so open and honest with all of their answers, and with their questions for me. Our whole time together was smooth, easy and exciting, and our meeting only confirmed everything I had already suspected- that they were wonderful people, were going to be incredible parents, and that we would have no problem becoming great friends.
After I left Alaska and finally arrived in North Carolina, Doug and Maura let me stay at their house until Shelley and Bill arrived and we found a house of our own. We enjoyed family dinners together (along with Maura’s sister and niece who also live with them), and I was able to meet Maura’s parents and Doug’s brother and his family. Everything they did made me feel so welcomed, and their families were eager to embrace me into their lives.
In my search for open adoption bloggers, I came across an anti-adoption website that stated that open adoption is a lie, that the adoption agencies and hopeful adoptive parents will tell the birth parents anything they want to hear in order to “snatch” up a coveted newborn. I’m sure there are some unpleasant stories of things not working out as planned, as there are with anything in life. But even though I wouldn’t be a part of their lives if it weren’t for my son, I have never once felt that it was only about the baby. They have given me no doubt that I will be forever loved as a part of their family.
In my search for adoptive couples, I discovered that there are many wonderful and deserving people who are looking to adopt who would provide an excellent home for a child. It was a huge decision for me to make, but I knew my heart would tell me who the right couple was. Doug and Maura have given me no reason to question or doubt my decision, and Bill and I can completely trust that our son will be in good, loving hands. They have been so supportive of not just the pregnancy, but of me, Bill and Shelley, and what is truly best for everyone involved. I’ve come to know them not only as my son’s future parents, but as friends. They are people I would want in my life no matter what the reason happened to be to cause our paths to cross. And as their friend, I am so excited to see them become parents, because I know how much they want it and deserve it, and I know that they will be great parents. While adoption is seen as a blessing for the adoptive parents, it is usually seen as a tragic and unfortunate circumstance for the birth parents. But because of Doug and Maura, and how much so many people already love this child, I can’t see this as a negative experience at all for me or for my son. He will be surrounded with so much love from all sides (they have said from the beginning that the more people that love this child, the better!). I don’t feel like I’m “giving up” my son, I don’t feel like I’m losing him. In fact, instead of feeling like I’m losing a son, I feel like I’m gaining an entire family who will be only an enriching addition to my life.

Cast of Characters: Shelley

2009-11-27T06:56:00.001-08:00

Cast of Characters: Shelley

“You’re pregnant, Rachel Cane,” Shelley says on a regular basis. With my beach ball belly sitting on top of my still skinny legs, it’s hard not to point out the obvious, and Shelley doesn’t resist. “God, she acts like she’s pregnant or something,” she jokes when I take my time to get out of the car or waddle down the street. When we got our printer finally working, the first thing she printed out was a document that said “Rachel Cane is Prego!!” in as many fonts and colors as would fit onto the paper.
I first met Shelley in 2006 while working on a cruise ship in Hawaii. The first thing that drew me to her was her smile and her laugh, and as I got to know her better, her care free personality. In Hawaii we had another friend named Candy, who we of course dubbed “Candy Cane.” We in turn became Rachel Cane and Shelley Cane, and though we’ve lost touch with our third Cane sister, our names have stuck.
On the cruise ship we became friends, but I’d say our bond didn’t seal until a few months later, the first time I visited her in Portland where she was staying. She had every intention of laying roots there, to make it her new home. She met me in the airport and on the train ride home I told her about the last few months I had just spent at camp in North Carolina, and how I was about to go to Zion National Park in Utah to work for the fall season for the second time. There was a spark.. something was going on in her head. A contemplative look came over her face as she started stroking the side of her mouth with her finger. “Zion… huh?” She had heard me talk about Zion before. She couldn’t resist. Her mind was made up. The next day I called the hiring manager there and told him I had a friend who would like a job as well, and she turned in her notice to her employer. Two weeks later, we were both in Utah. Since then, we’ve shared adventures, bottles of wine, and our love of life and making the most of it. While we were in Zion one day we saw an advertisement for “Spa Adventure.” “Hmm… Spa and Adventure… two of our favorite words!” she said. It didn’t take much to convince ourselves into making appointments for hot stone massages. Yes, we needed those massages!
Shelley and I have always shared our love of life and adventure, but there is so much more than only that connection. She is a fellow seeker, one of my true spiritual sisters. A conversation with her is a celebration of life, no matter what life holds or where it takes us. She has lived through her share of trials, past and present, but she has somehow become a master of positivity and gratitude. Maybe it’s because of a lifetime of lessons learned, but she refuses to let anything get her down. I’ve seen her in situations of success as well as distress, and the one thing that is a pervading factor in her life is laughter and making the most of every day. Several of our conversations these days are about this moment in our lives, how we got here and where we’re going. We talk about how amazing it is for my situation to work out as wonderfully as it has; how wonderful Doug and Maura and their families are, how incredibly lucky I am to have Bill around, how the timing of the birthing classes we’ve been going to worked out (it took a while to find one that worked with my labor schedule since I was already in my third trimester when I arrived), how much we love the house we’ve rented and its location, and all the possibilities of the future as we once again plan to head in different directions.
This summer she was working in a small town in Alaska about an hour away from where I was when I told her I was pregnant. Soon after, she made the trip to come and visit me and some other mutual friends. There were four of us having dinner together, I was splurging on a quarter glass of wine while the rest of the group was gladly taking care of the rest of the bottle. I had already chosen Doug and Maura as the adoptive parents, they were coming to Alaska to meet me for the first time in just a couple of days, and I was telling Shelley and the others about it and my plans to go to North Carolina after Alaska. There was a spark. A contemplative look came over her face. She stroked the side of her mouth with her forefinger and said “North Carolina,… huh?” We both knew it was going to be. Later she told me about a story in Buddhism of a young monk who asked an older and wiser sage how to gain spiritual wisdom. “Did you eat your rice this morning?” the sage asked. “Yes,” replied the monk. “And did you wash your bowl afterwards?” “Yes.” And that was it. The sage walked away and that was the end of the story. The point of it is to take life one step at a time, and to learn something from each of those steps, no matter how mundane they may seem. Shelley compared that to coming to North Carolina with me. “I have to do it, it’s like washing my bowl. My step just happens to be all the way across the country to be there for you. It’s just what comes next.” Simple as that. “Besides, you’re going to need someone to tie your shoes when you can’t bend over anymore.”
A book she sent me once, “Snowflower and the Secret Fan,” tells the story of two girls in China and the special friendship between them that bonded them together for life. They became each other’s old same, an expression used to describe that certain kind of bond. Shelley is 20 years my senior, but because of her ability to relate to people of all ages, as well as her young spirit, I don’t notice an age difference (she just has more stories and wisdom to share). The other day she said she should call me her young same, but I told her no way, the names have to be the same for both of us. Shelley Cane my Old Same.

Cast of Characters: Bill

2009-11-17T18:58:00.000-08:00

Bill (baby’s father)

With us working so closely together at a restaurant in Colorado, Bill and I naturally became very close last winter. However we knew we were going in different directions in our lives, so when the ski season ended and the restaurant closed, we parted as friends with the intention of keeping in touch. Little did we know at that time that we would be connected for the rest of our lives! From the first time I told him that I was pregnant, even in the midst of confusion, fear, interpretation, and lots of questions, he has been nothing but supportive of me and our baby. When I was working in Alaska over the summer, he would send cookies and other homemade baked treats along with a few baby toys, some pregnancy tea, and whatever else he could think of to add into a care package. Because I was in the middle of Alaska and he was in the middle of the Colorado Rockies we weren’t able to talk on the phone for most of the summer, and when we finally could it was only about once a week, but every time we did he would ask me if there was anything he could do for me or if there was anything I needed.
I knew Bill took this pregnancy seriously, and he felt all the responsibility a dad should. As we talked more about adoption, he let me know about his reservations about giving up his son. He wanted to do what was right, what was the best for his son and for him. I told him that just as he has supported me through my pregnancy, if he decided that adoption wasn’t the best route to take, then I would support that decision completely. I knew that for me adoption made the most sense, but I wanted him to be completely on board without any persuasion or coaxing from me. I knew that sometimes the most important decisions we make are not made from the head, but from the heart, and I wanted him to decide in his heart what the right thing to do was. We decided to go along with the adoption, and as soon as I told him about Doug and Maura, he immediately started thinking about moving out to NC to be closer to me for the rest of the pregnancy, and to be with his son. As soon as his summer job ended, he packed up his car and drove across the country with his border collie Bijou, and finally met Doug and Maura for the first time. It didn’t take long for him to be completely convinced that they would be absolutely wonderful parents, and that they would welcome his friendship and his role in our son’s life.
As we continued to make plans, it made sense for Shelley, Bill and I to get a house together in NC. Bill came with his border collie Bijou, and we all soon found a 3 bedroom house close to the birth center. He continues to be my main source of support, giving me back and foot massages, cooking dinners for me, going to birthing classes and doctors appointments with me, providing entertainment just by being his goofy self, and by being an all around great friend and shoulder to lean on. He has never stopped asking me if there is anything I need him to do, and even our adoption counselor has commented on how rare it is to have the birth father so involved. I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive man to be with during this time. I also love how random he is. The other day while driving in the car, he asked, “if you were serving a life sentence in prison, who would you rather have as your cell mate- Elton John or David Bowie?” “Ok, same question, but between all of the Beatles, or the Monkeys?” I can't wait to hear the kind of questions he and his son will think of together.

Baby Shower!

2009-11-09T08:20:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the baby shower for our very loved little boy. Some people have already asked me if it was weird at all being a part of it, but I didn’t feel that way at all. In fact, even when I was still in Alaska I was hoping to be a part of the baby shower! There were about 30 people in attendance, and Bill, Shelley and I didn’t know most of the people there. But once again, I was reminded of how wonderful of a place this little boy will be raised in and the incredible people who will be around him.
From the time we first arrived, there were friends and family members who were so excited to meet us. I had people coming up to me saying how happy they were that I was becoming a part of Doug and Maura’s family, how they couldn’t wait to get to know me better in the future, and how excited they were to meet the baby. Maura’s niece led the group in a Mad Libs about our adoption story, which turned out to be really funny! Everyone got to paint a onesie (he’ll be well stocked with a very creative wardrobe for the first year of his life!), and we all wrote down our guesses for the due date, time, and weight . When it was time to open the gifts, Doug, Maura, Bill and I all sat on a sofa and took turns opening them. Bill and I gave them a framed print to hang in the baby’s room of a giraffe walking up to a house, with the title of the painting being “Home Coming.” We also got him some really snuggly winter onesies, one of them came with a little hat with bear ears on it. Doug and Maura gave Bill and I each a photo album, with a card about how wonderful it will be to fill them up with memories of our baby and our times together.
Before we opened presents, one of the guests pulled Maura and I aside and gave the both of us gifts. We each got a card with a hand written note that

(Here we are hard at work painting onesies)

celebrated the bond between us as mothers, and we both got matching necklaces. It was such a sweet gesture, Maura and I really appreciated it and we love our necklaces. We also got a toast from Maura’s mother, who welcomed Bill and I into the family, and thanked Shelley for her special role in our lives. I have to admit that I was thankful when I looked at Maura and saw her watery eyes, which assured me that I wasn’t the only teary eyed sap in the room.
All in all it was a great time. I never felt uncomfortable, and was so happy to see all the people who supported our son’s future family. We were able to meet more of Dougs family who came in for the shower and visited again with some family members we had already met. The guests made it a point to tell me that I couldn’t have chosen better parents (which I already knew!), but at the same time I didn’t feel like it was only about the baby. They were all so supportive of our open adoption relationship and went out of their way to welcome Bill and I into their circle of friends.

(here's my cute little onesie I painted for my favorite little monkey!)

What NOT To Say

2009-10-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

Recently, a family member of mine gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, whom upon delivery was diagnosed with Down's Syndrome. I haven't talked to them directly yet, but one of the things I've wondered is the kind of questions or responses they have been getting. Of course they are as in love with him as they are with their other two children, and I and the rest of my family are as happy for this little boy's arrival into the world as we were for their other two children. However I also heard this statement: "Well, they should have known better since they are getting older, they should have been content with their two perfectly healthy kids."

I told the person who made that statement that I hope they would never say that to any parents, no matter who they were or what their situation is, because it is completely inappropriate.

Which leads me into this topic; things NOT to say. There are plenty of situations that lend themselves to the most ghastly of comments, and I'm sure we all have our lists of things that well meaning people have shared with us that have come across as offensive, insensitive, and down right rude. Since my situation specifically deals with adoption and all that goes along with being a single, pregnant woman, I'll stick to my experiences strictly within that realm.

First of all, let me say that I don't expect everyone to have the same opinions, thoughts or beliefs as I do, and I don't expect everyone to understand my decisions and actions. I knew that when I first told my family that I was pregnant there would be a variety of reactions, from support to obvious dissapointment. And when I told them about my decision towards adoption, they were even more varied. Keep in mind that I am the middle child of five children, so between my siblings and parents, there were plenty of opinions to go around. Me being thousands of miles away didn't help things much either (they were in Texas, I was in Alaska when I told them). But even with all of the differences of opinions and beliefs, there's only one response that I would qualify as belonging in the "What Not To Say" list. It wasn't just a statement, it was the whole reaction. This person didn't listen to anything I had to say, and immediately started lecturing me on how I was already ruining this child's life by choosing adoption. "Well I love your baby!" As though I don't? What a misconception to assume that for a mother to choose adoption for her child means the baby is unloved and something to be tossed to the side!

When I got to Alaska and was finally able to go to my first prenatal visit, the nurse there was very helpful and pleasant to talk to. Until she found out I was 32 and was giving my baby up for adoption. That's when she said, "Well honey, you're not getting any younger, you might want to think about keeping what you got." Apparently in some people's minds I have reached this magical age where I am somehow obligated to have a family and children, and how could a woman my age give away a child? My response to that is that I don't feel that any kind of age makes me obligated to have children, and just because I may be "running out of time" doesn't mean I shouldn't want the absolute best enviornment for my child to be raised in. Even if that enviornment is not under my roof (besides- I don't even have a 'roof' to call my own).

Another touchy subject for a 32 year old single, pregnant woman is birth control. First of all, if you are a stranger and do not know my situation, you have absolutely no right to take it upon yourself to enlighten me about birth control. Case in point: While working in a restaurant in Alaska with tourists constantly coming and going, I would get several questions from strangers about my pregnancy. I didn't mind that at all, it comes with the territory and it wasn't anything I felt the need to hide, be embarrassed or ashamed of. However when I entered into a conversation with one woman in particular, her words to me were, "Well, now I hope you've learned your lesson, and you really need to start thinking about birth control. You're old enough, and you need to take these things seriously." In my head flashed a number of responses I could say, like how I was practicing birth control, about how I do take these "things" seriously. But what it all came down to for me was that it is none of her business to speak to me about my sex life. I responded with, "That is a personal subject that I prefer to keep personal." Being the manager of the restaurant I didn't think it would have been good business practice to add in the explicatives that were swirling around in my head.

On the subject of me getting pregnant in the first place, when someone said to me, "You have to be half way smart about these things!" I didn't respond too favorably either. If there is anyone reading this who knows a woman with an unplanned pregnancy, I am begging you, please don't assume she is this careless sex whore who gives no responsible thought to what may happen. Ok, so maybe you wouldn't have put it in those terms, but if you say things like that, she may feel like that is how you see her. Speaking from my own experience, I feel like I was being very smart and proactive about not getting pregnant. My partner and I had discussed it and we both knew that neither of us wanted children. It wasn't just an abstract thought like 'theoretically, this may happen to some people,' but we thought of it as 'we don't want this happening to us!' When I first told Bill about the pregnancy, he doubted that it was even his because we had always been careful (though he didn't say that until a few months later when we were able to speak more in depth about it- he has been a great example of how to handle things perfectly!). My point is that there are few birth control methods that come with a guarentee, and people make their own choices on what risks they choose to take. Just because I fell into the small percentage group of people who have felt the heavy hand of that lack of guarentee, certainly doesn't mean I wasn't even being half way smart.

So what is a good way to respond? With support. Ask questions and listen, don't demand answers. Don't make assumptions. Be sensitive to what she is comfortable with sharing. Any woman who finds herself in an unplanned pregnancy has a lot of questions to ask herself, and regardless of her situation, how she got there, or the decisions she's made, she needs all the support she can get. She is carrying a new life inside of her, and it is not the time to chastise, lecture, or judge. Think of how delicately and lovingly you would treat her newborn, and treat the woman who is carrying that baby with that much respect. Weather you are a friend, a family member, or a stranger, the thing she (and the baby inside of her) need from you is your support, love, and respect. If you are a loved one and involved in her life and you feel you need to share your opinions, you should be able to, but not before making sure she knows she has your complete support, and not before listening to her. Ask her how she is feeling (emotionally and physically), what she is thinking, and what you can do for her, because all of those things are more important than your opinions or anything you may have to say.

Why am I even writing this blog?

2009-10-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

When I first found out I was pregnant and started thinking about all of my options, I didn't really know anything about adoption, much less open adoption. I had never even heard of open adoption, I didn't know it existed. Even with a degree in social work, I was in the dark when it came to the situation I found myself in.

With all of my questions, doubts, and moments of being utterly dumbfounded, there were a few things I was sure of.
1) Even though I love kids and I think I would be a good mother, I was not in a position, nor did I have a desire to have children.
2) Even though I didn't want children and had tried to prevent a pregnancy in the first place, I was already completely in love with this baby growing inside of me.
3) Even though I was seriously considering giving my baby to another family to raise, I had no intention of letting him out of my life.
I knew adoption made the most sense for my particular circumstance, but it couldn't be an adoption where I never knew what was happening to him, what he looked like, what his first words were, what kind of person he was. And I didn't want him to grow up with no idea of who I am either. I wanted him to be raised by two parents who would be willing to accept me as an extended part of their family as well. Was I crazy? Did this kind of arrangement even exist? Are there even people out there who are as crazy as I am, enough to let me be a part of their family? People want to adopt a cute little baby, without a 32 year old homeless mother tagging along. Nevertheless, I knew that was how it had to be, and if it wasn't that way then I would have to do whatever it took to raise him myself.

Since then, I have not only found out about this open adoption concept, but have realized that there are actually many couples out there who are trying to adopt or already have adopted who would rather have an open relationship with their child's birthparents. As I've been thinking about writing this blog, I've been searching for other or similar blogs from a birthparent's perspective. What I've found so far are blogs by adoptive couples who are in an open relationship with the birthparents, blogs by birthmothers who's child was adopted many years ago, sites that promoted adoption, and sites that were militantly against adoption and even claimed that the concept of open adoption is a lie invented by agencies and hopeful adoptive couples so they can snatch away more babies. But I've yet to find any blogs written by a birth mother or father who is in the thick of it, who has been documenting their thoughts, feelings, fears, anxieties, etc. from the beginning. Certainly none who are in their 8th month of pregnancy. I'm still hopeful that there are some women out there who are in a similar situation that wish to share their experiences with others, I just haven't found them yet!!!

All this to say that the whole reason for me starting this blog and keeping up with it is to get another perspective out there. And not just from a birth mother, but a birth father too. I'm so thankful that Bill has decided to be a part of his son's life! And not only is it just Bill and me who are committed to him, but Doug and Maura, our baby's adoptive parents, are excited about having both of our whole families as involved as they want to be. My family is in Texas and Bill's is in Utah, so it will be a long trip out to North Carolina for visits, but Bill's parents as well as one of my sisters are planning on making the trip here for the birth. My sister can't wait to meet her new nephew and his new family, and making them a part of her family.

Right now we're I think we're all in what I'm calling the "engagement phase." Couples who are in love and dream of their lives spent together can have no way of knowing what difficulties marraige will bring. Even though everything right now is sailing along like a dream- I've found the perfect parents for my son, they are people I would want in my life regardless of the situation, I am surrounded by love and support, I am happy and my baby is healthy and active- I know I can't help but be a little naive about what is to come. I know that I don't know what it will be like yet to hold my son in my arms. I can't imagine the emotions I'll be feeling after I birth him, when I first meet him, knowing all the while that he'll be calling someone else "Mommy." I'm not expecting it to be easy when he goes home with Doug and Maura and I'm without him for the first time.

But even so, I have a complete peace about everything surrounding this adoption. I am so sure that this is the best thing for everyone involved, and it's almost surreal how wonderful everything has been so far. So maybe I have no idea what is to come, but right now everything in my heart tells me this is right and good for everyone involved.

My History... Part 2

2009-10-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

Let's see, where was I? Oh yes, Thailand. I took the pregnancy test. But before I took the test, as I said, I already knew I was pregnant. I'm not sure how I knew, maybe it was that all I wanted to eat was ice cream, watermellon, and Italian food. But I knew for about a week that I was pregnant before I took the test, and while I was in communication with plenty of people over e-mail (including Bill), I didn't want to say anything to him until after I had tangible proof. During that time though, I had a lot of time to think about what I was going to do. What were my options? I could keep the baby, but where? Where would I live? I already had a job in Alaska for the summer as a restaurant manager, with my room and board taken care of, which was a great opportunity to save all of my salary. Even though the job was only through the summer, I'd be nuts to change those plans, but I certainly wasn't planning on staying in Alaska to have a baby! By the time I was through with my Alaska gig, I'd be going into my third trimester, which would give me about 3 months to find a job with insurance (yep- no insurance. And can you tell me who would hire a 7 month pregnant woman? In the restaurant business?), and a house or somewhere to live, not to mention things to put in the house like a bed, or a sofa would be nice. Oh, and then there's the crib, high chair, bibs, clothes, and of course diapers galore, all in 3 months time! Would I have to move in with one of my parents? Become a 33 year old single mom who has to mooch off of her parents? The thought didn't exactly make me happy, to say the least. I couldn't even imagine staying in one place for longer than 6 months at a time.

Ok, so what about other options? Well, there is a way to make this all go away and no one would ever know about it... but that option lasted all of about one second for me. I would rather have the scars of stretchmarks than the emotional scars that an abortion would surely leave me with. Besides, I already loved this baby. There is still a chance I could miscarry... at that thought I instinctively clutched my stomach and said "No! You just stay put for a while and be safe and healthy, and I'll take care of you the best I can." I didn't want to miscarry, I didn't want this baby to just go away. I had already started talking and singing to him, wondering what he was going to look like, wondering about his future, thinking about holding him in my arms. Well, there's also the option of adoption. But could I really go through with something like that? Could I go through a whole pregnancy, knowing that I already love this child and will love him more every day as he grows inside of me, and then give him away? For him to be out of my life forever? Nope, can't do it. Now that I've created him, there's no way he's getting out of my life! I didn't know much about the specifics of adoption, but I had always been a fan and even thought that maybe some day if I ever met a person I wanted to have a family with, that I might rather adopt a child who needs a home than have my own child. Now that's a twist of fate, isn't it? All I knew was that I wasn't in a position to raise this child, but if I chose adoption, I would have to somehow find people who are crazy enough to let me be a part of this childs life, and their family, for the rest of my life. Essentially, they couldn't just adopt my baby, but they would have to consider me a part of the family as well. Who would be crazy enough to do that? A stable, two parent home is what my ideal would be for my child, but if that means that I have to be excluded, than I'll just have to find a way to make it work myself.

The research began. Every chance I got I would get on the internet to find out what adoption entailed, and started looking at prospective couples. I found a website, parentprofiles.com, and read some profiles and contacted some who seemed interesting, as well as some adoption agencies. I had already done this when I took the pregnancy test and then, after eating a large pizza by myself, was sitting at the computer trying to find the words to say to Bill. After typing and deleting three different times, I finally sent this message: "I'm pregnant. I've already contacted some adoption agencies, and I haven't told anyone else yet, not even Renee." That was it. Looking back at it now I suppose there were other ways to say it that would have eased his mind and heart a little, but nothing at the time seemed right. That was on May 9th, a day Bill says he'll never forget. The day before mothers day.

Bill was immediately supportive- and totally freaked out. In fact, the first sentence of his response was "Ok, I'm totally freaking out." But then he asked me if I needed anything, if there was anything he could do for me. He was in Utah spending time with his family and I was in Thailand, so there wasn't really anything I needed him to do. The only thing I needed from him was his response, and his support. The next day I met up with Renee again on another island where we had been planning to celebrate her birthday big time with a full moon party on the beach. I was hesitant to tell her only because it was her birthday and I didn't want to steal her thunder, but she was so worried about me that I had some kind of parasite that wouldn't go away, so I told her to ease her mind. She gave me a big hug and told me that she was there for me in any way that she could be.

I finally left Thailand a few days after that, and went straight to Alaska to begin my new job for the summer. I told my boss and my two assistant managers about it, so they would know why I was looking so green and why I might have to suddenly excuse myself from the room to either eat or throw up. About two weeks later I was able to see a doctor for the first time, a small town general practitioner who's office was in the same building as the fire department and the city hall. I knew he was certainly no specialist, but he'd have to do since the next nearest hospital was 2 hours away and I didn't even have a car. After all of my restaurant employees arrived and had been there for a few weeks, I finally told them as well, just as I was entering into my second trimester. I had worked with some of them the previous summer, so they were quite suprised to say the least. But even more than suprised, they were supportive too, and became a big source of support for me over the summer by always asking how I'm feeling, if I need anything, bringing food to me when I was in the office, and not letting me carry any large loads. Of course I told my family before I told my employees, but that's a whole different subject that I might go more into depth at a later time.

By then Bill and I had established regular e-mail communication. He had started his summer job as a private chef on a ranch in Colorado, and he didn't have cell phone reception so we had to stick with e-mail. We were both in agreement by then that adoption would be the best way to go, so I continued to pursue it. I had told him that I was going to look for someone who would let me continue to be a part of our child's life, and that I didn't want to exclude him from any part of this process if he didn't want to be excluded from it. I wanted him to be as involved as he could be, but at the same time I didn't want to pressure him into anything. I knew he was supportive of me, but I got the feeling that his thoughts and feelings were a big wreck when it came to this baby, and I could understand that.

While I was looking for the perfect parents for our baby, I came across several different couples who caught my attention. I contacted them and was honest from the very beginning, and laid out what kind of people I'm looking for, what kind of enviornment I want for my child, and that I want someone who will be willing to consider me an extended member of their family. Some people were very uncomfortable with the idea of such openness, and some didn't respond to me at all. But I found that there are actually several couples who are willing to consider such an open adoption, and that there are many, many wonderful people out there who are wanting to adopt. How could I choose between them all? Then I came across Doug and Maura's page. He was a potter and computer guy, she was a child therapist. They lived out in the woods in North Carolina where Doug had his own pottery studio. With my background being in social work (that's what I got my degree in) and pottery (I started on a masters degree in studio ceramics before I ran out of money ), I loved them immediately! I couldn't wait to talk to them, so I sent them an introductory e-mail about me and my situation, and was extatic when they responded so quickly. We communicated a little more over e-mail, and then set up a phone conversation. I can't remember how long we talked on the phone, but I do remember that the only reason we stopped was because I had to let them go so I could get something to eat. I felt such a strong connection to them, and they seemed to be everything I was looking for. Following e-mails and phone conversations only added to that feeling, and finally I was ready to tell them that they were my choice for my baby's parents. I had already sent Bill copies of our e-mail communication and told him all about them, and that I was ready to tell them about my decision. I wanted his imput in the matter, but he said that he was behind whatever I decided and they seemed like good people.

Upon hearing the news, Doug and Maura were so excited, and planned a trip to come meet me in Alaska. Their sudden vacation was a blast for them, and for me it just confirmed every good and postitive feeling I had about them. They were so easy to talk to, were very open minded, down to earth, positive people. We asked each other all sorts of questions about our families and past experiences, as well as talked about plans for the future. And when I was able to schedule an ultrasound in Fairbanks, they extended their stay another day so they could drive me up there. They were in the room with me when we found out I was having a boy- they were going to have a son!

My past nomadic history: part I

2009-10-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

32 weeks and counting. I thought I'd use this entry to explain a little more about myself, to give a little more of my history. In the summer of 2005, I left Texas where I had lived my whole life, and went to North Carolina to work at a girls camp as a pottery instructor. I had already worked there two summers previously and absolutely loved it, so my plan was to do it again, and then go back to Texas. But during that summer, I started re-evaluating that plan, and for a variety of different reasons, going back to Texas seemed less and less appealing. I can list off some of those reasons, and I can list off plenty of reasons why I really wanted to go back, but the deciding factor was that I had this terrible gut feeling every time I thought about making plans to be back there. It really threw me off; I had wonderful friends and family there, I was surrounded by people who loved me, my whole life was there. But I found that every time I thought about going back, I would get this nauseous feeling in my stomach. I couldn't explain it, but I just didn't feel right about going back.

So I didn't. Instead, I got a job at Zion National Park in Utah, at the lodge there waiting tables. At first I hated that I was waiting tables again, after all I had a college degree and I was actually suppose to be doing something with my life, right? But what I soon realized was that when I was there in the canyon, working in the restaurant, living in the employee housing, having minimal possessions with me, needing minimal possessions, and meeting so many interesting people who would teach me lessons I didn't even know I needed to learn, is that I actually enjoyed waiting tables, and that this life style seemed to fit me like an old pair of jeans. I knew I couldn't go back now. So at the end of my few months stay in Zion, I went back to Texas for a week, sold everything I had that wouldn't fit into my two duffel bags (with the exception of a few boxes of pictures and keepsakes that are in my mothers garage), and then went off to Hawaii to work on a cruise ship. The cruise ship gig ended perfectly in time for me to return to the camp in NC again the next summer, and since I loved Zion so much I went there again after camp. Then back onto the cruise ship in Hawaii, and then to camp again. I didn't want to get stuck in a rut, so I tried something new after that summer of 2007, and I went to San Diego. I stayed there for about 4 months and absolutely loved it, but then I got a job for the winter at a ski resort in Colorado. It was great- I skied to work every day! The next summer, still changing it up, I went to Denali National Park in Alaska instead of going back to the camp, and then for the fall season I went to Olympic National Park on the Washington peninsula. And then back to Colorado for the next winter, which brings us up to the winter of '08-'09.

I was loving it. I had a great job as a restaurant manager, and had another one lined up for the summer again in Alaska. While in Colorado, I worked very closely with our chef, and the professional relationship evolved into something more. However at the end of the winter season, we knew we were going our separate ways, so we wished each other the best and parted as good friends, still planning on keeping in touch. He went on his way to visit his family before his summer job as a private chef on a ranch, and I went on a much anticipated, month long vacation to Thailand before beginning my job in Alaska.

I spent two days in Seattle and two days in Korea before I finally got to Thailand where I met up with my friend and fellow nomad, Renee. I had met Renee on the ship in Hawaii, and she was one of the people who convinced me to come out to Alaska the past summer. I in turn had convinced her to come to Colorado with me for the winter, and we had planned the trip to Thailand together. We were in Bangkok for two days, and on the second day were getting ready to leave to travel north by train to Chang Mai. While we were waiting at the hotel for the taxi, I started to not feel so good. By the time we left the hotel I had already ejected in some form or another everything I had eaten in what seemed like the past year, and continued to do so for the next 12 hours on the train. What a vacation this was turning out to be! The vomiting finally let up, but in the following days I still didn't feel so well. And I was really tired all the time. As we continued to travel around I had some good days, but I never really felt that well. It was never as bad as that first horrific night on the train, but after two weeks of the blahs, we were looking up every kind of traveling sickness we could find. Then one morning I woke up and it just hit me: "Oh My God I'm Pregnant!"

What the #$%^&*()_&^%$#@!@#$%^&*???????!!!!!!!!!!!??????????? How could this have happened? Surely it can't be! Bill and I had been very careful; we had even talked about the fact that neither of us wanted kids! What am I going to do? I can't raise a child- I don't even have a home! Renee and I were in Phuket, a super touristy beach island in south Thailand. I had already been planning to get away for a couple of days to spend some time by myself, so I went to a nearby island with lots of gorgeous scenery and very few people around. I spent the days there contemplating the situation, and as soon as I got back to the mainland where there were drug stores, I bought a pregnancy test. By then I didn't even have a reaction when it came back positive, I already knew. I went straight to an internet cafe to tell unsuspecting Bill the news.

I know this is becoming a pretty long story, so I'll leave here with a 'To Be Continued...."

My First Blog... 8th month of pregnancy!

2009-10-15T17:12:00.000-07:00

There are so many things I could and want to say for my first blog entry, and maybe I’ll be somewhat successful in my attempt to express a handful of them. But for now, for the sake of getting this rolling, I’m just going to start with the present moment and my current condition- which is 8 months pregnant in North Carolina. I’ll even start with just yesterday, with my first pre-natal yoga class.
I walked in, got a yoga mat. The other two women who were already there had blankets and pillows also… maybe I should get those as well. The instructor wasn’t there yet. I chose a spot in the middle of the mostly empty room to lay out my mat and set out my blanket. Slowly other women started trickling in; most of them were showing, some not at all. As they came in, I watched the ones who seemed to know what they were doing, the old hats of the pre-natal yoga class, and did what they did. It was a place to start anyway, and I thought it was better than just sitting there. I grabbed the equipment they grabbed- not just one but 3 blankets, a baluster pillow, a foam block, some had two yoga mats. I stuck with one… I mean, I can’t imitate everything. Some light stretching. The instructor came in, I knew her already from the birthing class I had attended the night before.
“All right, lets get started. Just remember that there is no ‘being late’ to this class, we all know that pregnant women often move a little slower than they may be use to..” Wow. I’m finally in a place where I can move slowly. No work, no traveling, no moving from one place another.
We start with introductions. Name, how many weeks along are you, have you done yoga before, where are you getting your medical care from, any current aches or pains? As we go around the room I enjoy hearing where the ladies are in their pregnancy, what they’re feeling. You mean your inner thighs are killing you too? I’m not the only one who feels like the baby is breaking one of my ribs? My turn comes around. There’s so much more to my pregnancy than just how far along I am, sometimes I almost feel like I’m lying when I leave some of the major information out. How much do I share? How much do they need or want to know? Should I tell them about the adoption? I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of the situation and don’t mind sharing, but this isn’t the place to take up too much time sharing my story. I can hardly answer any questions truthfully without it leading to more questions, since most of my answers dealing with this pregnancy and my situation are not typical. My mind is made up to stick to the very basics. “Hi, my name is Rachel, I’m 31 weeks pregnant, and I’m getting my care from the birthing center. I’ve taken yoga before, but I just moved here from Alaska so I haven’t had any opportunity to take classes of any kind since I got pregnant… and so far I’m feeling relatively great.”
“Any specific aches or pains?” the instructor asks.
“Just my legs and ribcage, but for now I’m just happy to finally be here in North Carolina around other pregnant women and a support group, so lately I’ve been mostly focusing on how much better I’ve felt.” Luckily, since the instructor already knew more about my situation from the birthing class the night before, she didn’t feel obliged to ask any more questions, but I could tell the rest of the class was curious.
We moved, stretched and balanced our way through the class. At the end we set up a baluster pillow propped up on one end with the foam brick, and laid back on the pillow with our knees supported by the blankets for our big-bellied version of shavasina. With a small eye pillow over my eyes, I felt an overwhelming sense of calm. I’m here. I’m surrounded by other pregnant women. I have no job now. My only responsibility is to take care of this baby inside of me, and the people in my life right now expect only that from me. I don’t have to apologize for wanting only to go take a nap, for being hungry all the time, for not feeling well. Some women say that the third trimester is the worst, but after being sick in foreign countries, trying not to throw up on a customer or an employee at work, not having much of a healthy eating option, and with all of my support being thousands of miles away from me during my first two trimesters, this last one has been a relief. My only focus now is on being pregnant, and taking care of this little boy who seems to be happily playing soccer with my ribcage.