Wednesday, April 28, 2010

My new life begins

Here’s a quick update on my life:

I’m now in Singapore. I know, I know, I just got back from China, right? And what about that job I was suppose to start in Vermont? And how the heck did I suddenly end up in Singapore? The Friday before I left China, the last day of my class, I had an interview with a program in Singapore via web-cam that teaches children how to read in English, and it went really well. I liked what I heard about the job, but I would need to start on May 3rd, only two weeks away from when I interviewed. I left China the next Saturday, spent the night in Hong Kong and flew home from there on Sunday, arriving back in North Carolina Sunday night. I needed to make a decision by Monday evening, so I had a lot of thinking to do. How does one make a decision like that? Did I mention that the job included a two year commitment? Two years!!! In the last five years, I haven’t been anywhere longer than 6 months, so that’s a big deal for me even without thinking about being away from Reed for that long. During the interview I made sure that I would have enough vacation time to come back to the U.S. more than just once. These were my two main thoughts: on one hand, Reed is only 4 months old, and right now he doesn’t know if I come or go. His whole world revolves around Maura, and even in a couple of years from now, it’s Maura and Doug who are going to be the light of his world. If I were to do something like this, maybe now would be the ideal time to do it. Not that I’ve ever felt like I was in the way, or that Doug and Maura have ever wished I weren’t so close, but maybe it would be a good thing for them if they had this time where I stepped back. On the other hand, I don’t ever want there to be a time when I’m not in Reed’s life. I never want it to not be a big deal if I go for several months or a whole year without seeing him. I’m not saying that that will never happen, but there better be a really good reason for it if it does. So if I don’t want that to be a trend, would it be wise for me to start out the first two years of his life with me being so far away? I know I have vacation time, but what if something comes up and I’m not able to take it?

I knew I couldn’t make the decision to accept the position or not while I was still in China, I had to be back home, with Reed and all the people there who are important to me, to give me some grounding in my decision. Bill and I went to see Reed and Maura on Monday, and I told her about the offer. Her jaw dropped, especially after I told her I would have to leave again in a week. There are some decisions that are impossible to make entirely with the brain, so I knew I was going to have to rely on my heart. I prayed for guidance, and I trusted that once I was with Reed again, that I would know what was going to be right for me to do.

Finally my decision was to go. When I decided on adoption, I knew there would be a time when I would need to continue on with my life. Staying in one place and lingering around him was never part of the plan. Even though I love Reed with all my heart, I’ve always known that the day would come when I’m away from him, and the reason why I chose Doug and Maura is because I trust that even then they will keep me as one of the key ingredients to their family and in Reed’s life. Also, I believe that what is good for me is good for Reed, and this job had too many benefits to pass up. I went through with the adoption for Reed, and I’m going on with my life for him, too. The way I see it is that this is the beginning of my life with him in it, the life I’m suppose to lead with my heart focused on him all the while. And with Reed being such an important part of the core of my life, shouldn’t I make the most of it? For me and for him? I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t making any sense; there is a lot of meat here that I’m just barely touching on, ideas my thoughts have been resting on for a while, since I first found out I was pregnant. It goes down to the core of why I chose adoption in the first place, and ideas of what really is best, what is best for whom, and what is considered selfish. I would like to hash out some of these thoughts, but I’ll have to save it for another time.

The rest of the week I had left I spent packing, getting rid of things and minimizing my life again, and enjoying the spring and all the blooms that have resulted from it. Bill and I went over to Reed's house for dinner on Wednesday night, and Saturday we had our adoption party, our celebration of Reed and our new roles in each others lives. We thought of having it when the adoption was actually official, but decided we should take the opportunity to have it now while we were all still together. Doug and Maura invited all of their friends and family to their house for the celebration, people who have been supporting them throughout their whole adoption process, and me and Bill since we first arrived in NC. Then on Monday, Bill and I met Doug, Maura and Reed at the airport to say goodbye. I cried lots of tears, and even though he was cranky from being smushed between my hugs with Maura, I couldn't get enough of holding my little boy. I said goodbye to Maura and Doug, to Reed, and finally to Bill. Now, as I'm sitting in a hotel room in Singapore, jet lagged and thinking about those people who have taken up so much real estate in my heart, I wonder what these next two years will bring. This is the real beginning of my life with Reed.

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