This is a discussion that was started on a site called 'Open Adoption Roundtable,' a forum for anyone who has been a part of open adoption. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the posts I read from this site when I was still pregnant, and now as I continue my relationship with my new family through Reed's adoption, it continues to be helpful and insightful. My post isn't nearly as interesting as some of the other experiences I've read about, but I'm thankful that I don't have any major horror stories to write about.
We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?
There were probably as many different reactions to my decision on adoption as there were emotions I had about being pregnant. I'm not talking about professionals just yet, I'm talking about friends, families, co-workers, strangers, those were the people I was around. The only professional I saw of any kind for the first 6 months of my pregnancy was the general practitioner in the small town in the middle of Alaska whom I went to for my monthly checkups during the summer I was there. Once I met Doug and Maura through parentprofiles.com and we started making plans towards adoption, they put me in touch with IAC, the adoption agency they were using that was very supportive of open adoptions, and I talked to someone once on the phone and a couple of times through e-mail while I was still in Alaska. I know that doesn't seem like much, but I had already found the adoptive parents of my dreams, and we had already started building the foundations of our open relationship. I moved to NC where Doug and Maura were at the beginning of my third trimester and finaly met a representative from the IAC in person, and met with her once on my own, once with Bill, and once with Bill, Doug and Maura.
From the professional side of things, I had some very positive support, especially once I moved to NC where my son's soon to be adoptive parents were. The midwives at the birth-center were wonderful in respecting my wishes for my birth plan, which included Bill, Doug and Maura, my friend Shelley and sister Kathryn all present during the birth. But perhaps the most helpful thing that I experienced was how careful the IAC was to not push any kind of decision onto me or Bill. I already knew what path I wanted to take, but the IAC still assured me that even if I change my mind, or if Bill changed his, then they would support us no matter what decision we made. Our counselor never referred to our adoption as though it were a done deal while I was still pregnant, and she gave us lots of information on what our options were if we decided against it. I knew Reed was suppose to be part of Doug and Maura's family, I couldn't have been more sure of my decision to complete their dreams through adoption. And the four of us had already done most of the work in crafting our own unique plan of openness and how we wanted to be a part of each others lives. While the IAC did help us put that plan onto paper and offered helpful insights into how to go about designing the kind of openness we wanted, it sure helped knowing that no one was pushing me in any way, and it was all completely my own free will to go through with it.
As far as what was not supportive, well, I'm happy to say that on my end as a birth mother there was not a single professional that I encountered that was not helpful. When I told people my plan for an open adoption, there were no raised eyebrows from the midwives at the birth center, or even from the instructor or other couples in the birthing class that I went to (accompanied by Bill, Doug, Maura, and Shelley- Team Rachel). I'm so thankful for the professionals that I worked with as well as the people in my life that were constantly showing their support for me (as well as for Bill, Doug and Maura and our relationship together), because I needed them all the more when I also had to deal with the instances of judgement and criticism.
You can read more responses from birth parents and adoptive parents here.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Dreaming Of The Future, Missing The Now
Grandparents are awesome. What a life they must have! Their grandchildren adore them, their kids finally appreciate them and respect them. Today as I was walking home from work, my random thoughts wandered over to the greatness of grandparents. Let me attempt to explain my thought process: I had a mental image of an elderly couple, surrounded by their children and their grandchildren, all happily together. Yup, I thought, getting old can’t be that bad when you’re surrounded by people you love. Ah, but there’s a catch, I realized. A grandparent has to put in the time with having kids to actually become a grandparent. Which then creates a dilemma, how do I become a grandparent if I don’t have a family of my own? Oh, but I DO have a family of my own! Have I just solved the problem of becoming a grandparent without having kids? Amazing!
Again, I want to stress that I’m not exactly against me having children in the future, if the situation called for it. I love kids, I work with them every day and they are a constant source of laughter, frustration, joy, delight, and learning. But when I do think about the future and what I want out of life, children are not on my list. I could easily see Reed being the only child I have, and for now I’m ok with that.
I’m not really good at thinking so far into the future though. For me, thinking ahead is knowing I’m going to be leaving one place in a couple of months, and so I plan ahead to where I’ll go next. The most I’ve ever thought about my long term future is in regards to my health and my desire to take care of myself now, doing my best to avoid becoming prematurely cancerous and brittle. Reed has added in a point of longevity to my thinking. I love thinking about when I’ll see him next, in December just after his first birthday. How much he will have changed! I love thinking about my subsequent visits, imagining us playing together, or thinking of silly jokes to tell him, or those precious opportunities I want to have to read to him before his bedtime or sing to him as he’s falling asleep. You have to understand that this is all new to me. Even just thinking about being in Singapore for two years is still taking some getting use to. I’m finding myself already looking at job opportunities and flight tickets, and I’ve only been here 3 months. This is the first time in a long time that the 3 month mark hasn’t come with the need to start sending out resumes and searching flights. With Reed, it’s easy for me to think ahead five or ten years or even longer. I was smiling from ear to ear when I thought about him making me a grandparent. My next mental image was years and years in the future, me sitting around with Doug and Maura at a family reunion of sorts, Reed with his lovely wife and lovely children running around with the rest of the extended family, all of us beaming as we’re watching this unique family we’ve created together. (And yes, I am fully aware now why my parents are always wondering if I’m ever going to ‘settle down.’ Luckily, since I’m the middle child out of five, they have other chances to become grandparents. My brother already has 3 kids, and I’ve made it clear that Reed IS their grandson, and that I hope they can have that relationship with him some day. Also, I’m fully aware that Reed may not ever want to get married or have children of his own- maybe it will run in the family?- or maybe he will find his own unique situation instead of the cookie cutter family that was in my daydream, and I will still be happy with whatever he brings into my life.)
The point of it all is, I now have people that will be in my life forever. Bill will be in my life forever. That’s a bit more difficult to think about since Bill’s life is almost as unpredictable as mine, but we are both committed to being able to share our lives with Reed and each other.
Meanwhile, Reed is growing and changing now, which is being witnessed everyday by Doug and Maura. All I have are my memories of the past and visions of the future, but they have his every day. This becomes hard at times for me to deal with, especially as I’m watching my little students (mostly 4-6 years old) interacting with their parents, their faces lighting up when they get out of class to see that their mommy or daddy is waiting to catch them in their arms. I have to make it a point not to think about Reed at work. Then there’s the mall, or the supermarket, or the bus or subway, or practically anywhere, where parents and children are sharing their every day’s together. Even when they are being naughty and the parent is exasperated, I sigh and think about how precious that every day moment is, that moment that I’m not sharing with my son.
Pictures certainly help with that. I may imagine a lot about Reed in the future(even up to the point of being a grandparent to his children- yikes!), but pictures help me see him for what he is now, what I'm missing. If I had my way, there would be a constant steady stream of snapshots being taken throughout the day at the Dotson household so I could witness as much of Reed’s days as I possibly could. I also know it’s a lot easier for me to wish for that then for a hard working and sleep deprived new mommy and daddy to send photos every day. Eventually I’ll have to get a web cam so I can communicate on skype, that will ease my heart a little.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Joy and Pain
I’ve always had very vivid dreams, sometimes they’re random and hilarious (like when I dreamt that Edward Norton was trying to break me out of a prison and my prison “uniform” was made entirely out of pork chops and bananas), sometimes they’re very telling of my fears, insecurities, and what is really going on in my heart (like one that I described in a previous blog). But recently my dreams have been just plain fun. One involved Bill and I hanging out with Reed and spending a whole day together, and the other was Reed and I hanging out and having a good time, but we both thought something was missing so we went and got Maura and we were all really happy.
Most of the time when Reed wanders his way into my dreams, he’s older, about 4 years old or so. Perhaps it’s because I know that the next time I’ll see him will be in the future, when he’s already walking and starting to use his own baby-speak. Or perhaps it’s because I want so much to be able to communicate with him, and I know that I’ll have to wait until he’s older to do that. Well, when I woke up from the dream I was having on Sunday morning on his 6 month birthday, I smiled at the thought of getting to know my little boy. But then I thought of him as he is now, and I suddenly felt a huge emptiness because my son is 6 months old and I don’t even know how many teeth he has! It reminded me of how much I don’t know about my son now, and how much I miss him terribly.
Sometimes I want nothing more than to see him and hold him, hang out with him and watch him grow, and be his mommy. Then at other times I think that he was so specifically made for Doug and Maura, so much so that he almost looks like them. As much as it hurts me to be away from him, I think he really was made to be Doug and Maura’s son.
But he’s MY son! part of me uncontrollably cries out. The thing is though, is that the ‘but’ in that exclamation doesn’t have any part of this. Yes he is my son, he will always be my son, and there is no changing that. And yes he was made for Doug and Maura. As jealous as I am of their life with him, if I could go back in time to change anything I wouldn’t do it. Maura wondered aloud to me one time if I was jealous of her being Reed’s mommy. I told her of course I was, but I chose her to be jealous of and I’m glad I did. I can’t imagine Reed not having them, there is no doubt that he belongs with them.
This however has no effect in diminishing how much I miss him. In a conversation with one of my sisters (who is adamantly against the adoption but seems to be accepting what is reasonably well) before I left for Singapore, that there was going to be pain no matter what I chose to do with Reed. Both of us would have known certain kinds of pain as a result of my decision to keep him if I had done so, and both of us will know different kinds of pain as a result of the adoption (maybe I’ll touch on this topic more in a different post). After I told her that it was going to be really hard on me to leave Reed when I went to Singapore, she said that I didn’t have to choose a path that caused so much pain. The way I look at it, since pain was going to be inevitable, I chose the path with the most joys.
And joys have certainly been a part of this journey. Needless to say, Doug and Maura are getting to experience the joy of Reed in their lives every day. I wonder if he’ll ever fully realize how much of a dream come true he is for them? And he has brought untold joy to mine and Bill’s life as well. Bill tells me that at times of frustration, all he has to do is think about Reed. The last couple of weeks that Bill was in NC before going to his summer job in CO he was able to stay with Doug and Maura in their extra studio apartment by their house. When I talked to him on the phone, his first words were, “Reed is SO cool!!!”
For me, Reed has brought so many joys that I didn’t think I ever wanted or would ever have. I still look at the pictures of my labor and his birth with an uncontrollable smile. It was nothing short of wonderful with everyone as involved as they were. I still remember the sensation of feeling him move around inside of me, the most wonderful physical feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. And now seeing pictures of him, seeing how happy he has made so many people around him and how happy he is makes it all worth any kind of pain that comes with the territory. Reed has made me so happy, but so have Doug, Maura, their family, and Bill. Pain will continue to come, I’m sure of it. But so will the joy.
And with perfect timing, in the middle of writing this post, I checked my e-mail and read an update from Maura. Here’s most of the e-mail:
Most of the time when Reed wanders his way into my dreams, he’s older, about 4 years old or so. Perhaps it’s because I know that the next time I’ll see him will be in the future, when he’s already walking and starting to use his own baby-speak. Or perhaps it’s because I want so much to be able to communicate with him, and I know that I’ll have to wait until he’s older to do that. Well, when I woke up from the dream I was having on Sunday morning on his 6 month birthday, I smiled at the thought of getting to know my little boy. But then I thought of him as he is now, and I suddenly felt a huge emptiness because my son is 6 months old and I don’t even know how many teeth he has! It reminded me of how much I don’t know about my son now, and how much I miss him terribly.
Sometimes I want nothing more than to see him and hold him, hang out with him and watch him grow, and be his mommy. Then at other times I think that he was so specifically made for Doug and Maura, so much so that he almost looks like them. As much as it hurts me to be away from him, I think he really was made to be Doug and Maura’s son.
But he’s MY son! part of me uncontrollably cries out. The thing is though, is that the ‘but’ in that exclamation doesn’t have any part of this. Yes he is my son, he will always be my son, and there is no changing that. And yes he was made for Doug and Maura. As jealous as I am of their life with him, if I could go back in time to change anything I wouldn’t do it. Maura wondered aloud to me one time if I was jealous of her being Reed’s mommy. I told her of course I was, but I chose her to be jealous of and I’m glad I did. I can’t imagine Reed not having them, there is no doubt that he belongs with them.
This however has no effect in diminishing how much I miss him. In a conversation with one of my sisters (who is adamantly against the adoption but seems to be accepting what is reasonably well) before I left for Singapore, that there was going to be pain no matter what I chose to do with Reed. Both of us would have known certain kinds of pain as a result of my decision to keep him if I had done so, and both of us will know different kinds of pain as a result of the adoption (maybe I’ll touch on this topic more in a different post). After I told her that it was going to be really hard on me to leave Reed when I went to Singapore, she said that I didn’t have to choose a path that caused so much pain. The way I look at it, since pain was going to be inevitable, I chose the path with the most joys.
And joys have certainly been a part of this journey. Needless to say, Doug and Maura are getting to experience the joy of Reed in their lives every day. I wonder if he’ll ever fully realize how much of a dream come true he is for them? And he has brought untold joy to mine and Bill’s life as well. Bill tells me that at times of frustration, all he has to do is think about Reed. The last couple of weeks that Bill was in NC before going to his summer job in CO he was able to stay with Doug and Maura in their extra studio apartment by their house. When I talked to him on the phone, his first words were, “Reed is SO cool!!!”
For me, Reed has brought so many joys that I didn’t think I ever wanted or would ever have. I still look at the pictures of my labor and his birth with an uncontrollable smile. It was nothing short of wonderful with everyone as involved as they were. I still remember the sensation of feeling him move around inside of me, the most wonderful physical feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. And now seeing pictures of him, seeing how happy he has made so many people around him and how happy he is makes it all worth any kind of pain that comes with the territory. Reed has made me so happy, but so have Doug, Maura, their family, and Bill. Pain will continue to come, I’m sure of it. But so will the joy.
And with perfect timing, in the middle of writing this post, I checked my e-mail and read an update from Maura. Here’s most of the e-mail:
Hi Bill and Rachel,
We thought of you both a lot this weekend. The IAC [the adoption agency we went through] picnic was Saturday and then yesterday was Reed's 6 month birthday, of course. I hope sometime we'll be able to go to the picnic together. It was a hot, but very nice event - so much fun to see new and old families created through adoption, meet people who we'd been rooting for via internet, see so many babies and kids thriving, etc. There were a few birth families present which was great, but it would have been nice if there were more. Jen, the woman you met at the dog park in chapel Hill, was there with her family too! [When I met Jen at the park I was still pregnant and I ended up telling her about our open adoption plans. That really resonated with her and her husband who had initially been thinking about international adoption, and shortly after they contacted the IAC and started their own process.] They just finished all of their paperwork and their home study is almost complete. They are excited to be done with all that and are optimistic about matching with someone soon.
Meanwhile Doug's parents were here looking at houses in the area so Reed got some extra grandparent time and Marli [his 1.5 year old cousin] time - which he loves! It was nice to celebrate Reed's birthday with so many family around. We didn't exactly have a party, but we sang happy birthday to him (which he gets very excited about), told him his birth story again, and played and doted on him like we always do, which still feels so celebratory every day.
We thought of you both a lot this weekend. The IAC [the adoption agency we went through] picnic was Saturday and then yesterday was Reed's 6 month birthday, of course. I hope sometime we'll be able to go to the picnic together. It was a hot, but very nice event - so much fun to see new and old families created through adoption, meet people who we'd been rooting for via internet, see so many babies and kids thriving, etc. There were a few birth families present which was great, but it would have been nice if there were more. Jen, the woman you met at the dog park in chapel Hill, was there with her family too! [When I met Jen at the park I was still pregnant and I ended up telling her about our open adoption plans. That really resonated with her and her husband who had initially been thinking about international adoption, and shortly after they contacted the IAC and started their own process.] They just finished all of their paperwork and their home study is almost complete. They are excited to be done with all that and are optimistic about matching with someone soon.
Meanwhile Doug's parents were here looking at houses in the area so Reed got some extra grandparent time and Marli [his 1.5 year old cousin] time - which he loves! It was nice to celebrate Reed's birthday with so many family around. We didn't exactly have a party, but we sang happy birthday to him (which he gets very excited about), told him his birth story again, and played and doted on him like we always do, which still feels so celebratory every day.
. . . . .
She also told me he has 3 teeth. :)
Monday, May 10, 2010
Mothers Day
Last Sunday I celebrated my very first Mothers day. If at any other point in my life someone had asked me how I would imagine me celebrating Mothers Day if that day were to come, there's no way I could have predicted the answer: by myself in a bar in Singapore. Ok, it's not really as depressing as it sounds. I actually had a good day. I treated myself to sleeping in, reading, going to the gym, and then getting dressed up to take myself out to dinner. I chose to go to The Long Bar, one of Singapore's oldest and most famous bars that has seen the likes of Charlie Chaplin and other back in the day celebrities. I sat at a woven bamboo table under big leaf shaped fans, sipped on some cool white wine, munched on peanuts and threw the shells on the ground, and ordered a delicious seafood appetizer. I also brought along a notebook to start working on something that has been in my head for a while; a children's story about all of the adventures that Reed and I had together when I was pregnant with him. I enjoyed reflecting on my time with him, and thinking about being in Colorado, Thailand, Alaska, and North Carolina during my pregnancy made me smile.
I'm not going to elaborate too much on it, but I think I've been getting a better grasp on what it means to be Reed's mother. It seems like a simple concept, but in the world of adoption, it could mean so many things. As I've reflected and searched my heart, I've uncovered some insecurities I've had about being his mother, as though just because the law says I have no rights to him, that I have to be careful not to get too close to him or interfere with his family's life. I shared these thoughts more in depth with Bill and Maura, and I think all of us were surprised to learn they were there. Doug and Maura have never given me any kind of reason to doubt that they were in full support of my relationship with Reed, and have always been clear that they wanted me and Bill to have as much of a relationship with Reed and their whole family as we possibly could. Maybe it was from my own previous ideas about what adoption is that planted those thoughts in me, or maybe it's from a few conversations I've had with others who have suggested I need to step back and let Maura and Doug be able to parent Reed without having me in the way, and then I should re-surface in about a year or so. I've never agreed during those conversations, but I can't pretend that the thought didn't cross my mind when I was considering moving to Singapore.
I've always known that a traditional closed or even a semi-open adoption would not do for me, but I'm realizing that my ideas of openness are still tainted with ideas of what adoption has been in the past, or for other people. I'm finding hidden thoughts and attitudes that I didn't even realize I had that have told me that I have to be an outsider looking in on Reed's life. However, I'm also realizing more and more that I can erase those ideas, and follow what is right for our own situation, not what is dictated by the law or the past history of adoption. I also want to continue to uncover and face any thoughts and feelings I have towards the adoption, because I want nothing to get in the way of a wonderful relationship with my son and our new family.
Again, there is soooooooooo much more I could write about this, but I'm keeping it relatively short. I do want to give props to an interview I read on an open adoption website though, between an adoption worker and an anti-adoption adoptee blogger named Weaver. There were many things Weaver said that I didn't agree with, but her perspective as someone who is adopted and is now adamantly against it is what uncovered these hidden thoughts and attitudes I had in my heart. I'm thankful for everyone who has been able to share their adoption stories so we can all learn from each other.
A side note: I keep trying to add some links on to my page, such as the one with the interview, as well as some other bloggers who have experience with open adoption, but I'm having trouble with it. I think it's under the User Error category. Hopefully I'll be able to get it straightened out soon, but until then, a blog called Amstel Life has been particularly interesting for me to read, since it's from a young lady with a daughter who was adopted a few years ago. They seem to have a great open relationship, and it's been great for me to read about it.
I'm not going to elaborate too much on it, but I think I've been getting a better grasp on what it means to be Reed's mother. It seems like a simple concept, but in the world of adoption, it could mean so many things. As I've reflected and searched my heart, I've uncovered some insecurities I've had about being his mother, as though just because the law says I have no rights to him, that I have to be careful not to get too close to him or interfere with his family's life. I shared these thoughts more in depth with Bill and Maura, and I think all of us were surprised to learn they were there. Doug and Maura have never given me any kind of reason to doubt that they were in full support of my relationship with Reed, and have always been clear that they wanted me and Bill to have as much of a relationship with Reed and their whole family as we possibly could. Maybe it was from my own previous ideas about what adoption is that planted those thoughts in me, or maybe it's from a few conversations I've had with others who have suggested I need to step back and let Maura and Doug be able to parent Reed without having me in the way, and then I should re-surface in about a year or so. I've never agreed during those conversations, but I can't pretend that the thought didn't cross my mind when I was considering moving to Singapore.
I've always known that a traditional closed or even a semi-open adoption would not do for me, but I'm realizing that my ideas of openness are still tainted with ideas of what adoption has been in the past, or for other people. I'm finding hidden thoughts and attitudes that I didn't even realize I had that have told me that I have to be an outsider looking in on Reed's life. However, I'm also realizing more and more that I can erase those ideas, and follow what is right for our own situation, not what is dictated by the law or the past history of adoption. I also want to continue to uncover and face any thoughts and feelings I have towards the adoption, because I want nothing to get in the way of a wonderful relationship with my son and our new family.
Again, there is soooooooooo much more I could write about this, but I'm keeping it relatively short. I do want to give props to an interview I read on an open adoption website though, between an adoption worker and an anti-adoption adoptee blogger named Weaver. There were many things Weaver said that I didn't agree with, but her perspective as someone who is adopted and is now adamantly against it is what uncovered these hidden thoughts and attitudes I had in my heart. I'm thankful for everyone who has been able to share their adoption stories so we can all learn from each other.
A side note: I keep trying to add some links on to my page, such as the one with the interview, as well as some other bloggers who have experience with open adoption, but I'm having trouble with it. I think it's under the User Error category. Hopefully I'll be able to get it straightened out soon, but until then, a blog called Amstel Life has been particularly interesting for me to read, since it's from a young lady with a daughter who was adopted a few years ago. They seem to have a great open relationship, and it's been great for me to read about it.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
My new life begins
Here’s a quick update on my life:
I’m now in Singapore. I know, I know, I just got back from China, right? And what about that job I was suppose to start in Vermont? And how the heck did I suddenly end up in Singapore? The Friday before I left China, the last day of my class, I had an interview with a program in Singapore via web-cam that teaches children how to read in English, and it went really well. I liked what I heard about the job, but I would need to start on May 3rd, only two weeks away from when I interviewed. I left China the next Saturday, spent the night in Hong Kong and flew home from there on Sunday, arriving back in North Carolina Sunday night. I needed to make a decision by Monday evening, so I had a lot of thinking to do. How does one make a decision like that? Did I mention that the job included a two year commitment? Two years!!! In the last five years, I haven’t been anywhere longer than 6 months, so that’s a big deal for me even without thinking about being away from Reed for that long. During the interview I made sure that I would have enough vacation time to come back to the U.S. more than just once. These were my two main thoughts: on one hand, Reed is only 4 months old, and right now he doesn’t know if I come or go. His whole world revolves around Maura, and even in a couple of years from now, it’s Maura and Doug who are going to be the light of his world. If I were to do something like this, maybe now would be the ideal time to do it. Not that I’ve ever felt like I was in the way, or that Doug and Maura have ever wished I weren’t so close, but maybe it would be a good thing for them if they had this time where I stepped back. On the other hand, I don’t ever want there to be a time when I’m not in Reed’s life. I never want it to not be a big deal if I go for several months or a whole year without seeing him. I’m not saying that that will never happen, but there better be a really good reason for it if it does. So if I don’t want that to be a trend, would it be wise for me to start out the first two years of his life with me being so far away? I know I have vacation time, but what if something comes up and I’m not able to take it?
I knew I couldn’t make the decision to accept the position or not while I was still in China, I had to be back home, with Reed and all the people there who are important to me, to give me some grounding in my decision. Bill and I went to see Reed and Maura on Monday, and I told her about the offer. Her jaw dropped, especially after I told her I would have to leave again in a week. There are some decisions that are impossible to make entirely with the brain, so I knew I was going to have to rely on my heart. I prayed for guidance, and I trusted that once I was with Reed again, that I would know what was going to be right for me to do.
Finally my decision was to go. When I decided on adoption, I knew there would be a time when I would need to continue on with my life. Staying in one place and lingering around him was never part of the plan. Even though I love Reed with all my heart, I’ve always known that the day would come when I’m away from him, and the reason why I chose Doug and Maura is because I trust that even then they will keep me as one of the key ingredients to their family and in Reed’s life. Also, I believe that what is good for me is good for Reed, and this job had too many benefits to pass up. I went through with the adoption for Reed, and I’m going on with my life for him, too. The way I see it is that this is the beginning of my life with him in it, the life I’m suppose to lead with my heart focused on him all the while. And with Reed being such an important part of the core of my life, shouldn’t I make the most of it? For me and for him? I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t making any sense; there is a lot of meat here that I’m just barely touching on, ideas my thoughts have been resting on for a while, since I first found out I was pregnant. It goes down to the core of why I chose adoption in the first place, and ideas of what really is best, what is best for whom, and what is considered selfish. I would like to hash out some of these thoughts, but I’ll have to save it for another time.
The rest of the week I had left I spent packing, getting rid of things and minimizing my life again, and enjoying the spring and all the blooms that have resulted from it. Bill and I went over to Reed's house for dinner on Wednesday night, and Saturday we had our adoption party, our celebration of Reed and our new roles in each others lives. We thought of having it when the adoption was actually official, but decided we should take the opportunity to have it now while we were all still together. Doug and Maura invited all of their friends and family to their house for the celebration, people who have been supporting them throughout their whole adoption process, and me and Bill since we first arrived in NC. Then on Monday, Bill and I met Doug, Maura and Reed at the airport to say goodbye. I cried lots of tears, and even though he was cranky from being smushed between my hugs with Maura, I couldn't get enough of holding my little boy. I said goodbye to Maura and Doug, to Reed, and finally to Bill. Now, as I'm sitting in a hotel room in Singapore, jet lagged and thinking about those people who have taken up so much real estate in my heart, I wonder what these next two years will bring. This is the real beginning of my life with Reed.
I’m now in Singapore. I know, I know, I just got back from China, right? And what about that job I was suppose to start in Vermont? And how the heck did I suddenly end up in Singapore? The Friday before I left China, the last day of my class, I had an interview with a program in Singapore via web-cam that teaches children how to read in English, and it went really well. I liked what I heard about the job, but I would need to start on May 3rd, only two weeks away from when I interviewed. I left China the next Saturday, spent the night in Hong Kong and flew home from there on Sunday, arriving back in North Carolina Sunday night. I needed to make a decision by Monday evening, so I had a lot of thinking to do. How does one make a decision like that? Did I mention that the job included a two year commitment? Two years!!! In the last five years, I haven’t been anywhere longer than 6 months, so that’s a big deal for me even without thinking about being away from Reed for that long. During the interview I made sure that I would have enough vacation time to come back to the U.S. more than just once. These were my two main thoughts: on one hand, Reed is only 4 months old, and right now he doesn’t know if I come or go. His whole world revolves around Maura, and even in a couple of years from now, it’s Maura and Doug who are going to be the light of his world. If I were to do something like this, maybe now would be the ideal time to do it. Not that I’ve ever felt like I was in the way, or that Doug and Maura have ever wished I weren’t so close, but maybe it would be a good thing for them if they had this time where I stepped back. On the other hand, I don’t ever want there to be a time when I’m not in Reed’s life. I never want it to not be a big deal if I go for several months or a whole year without seeing him. I’m not saying that that will never happen, but there better be a really good reason for it if it does. So if I don’t want that to be a trend, would it be wise for me to start out the first two years of his life with me being so far away? I know I have vacation time, but what if something comes up and I’m not able to take it?
I knew I couldn’t make the decision to accept the position or not while I was still in China, I had to be back home, with Reed and all the people there who are important to me, to give me some grounding in my decision. Bill and I went to see Reed and Maura on Monday, and I told her about the offer. Her jaw dropped, especially after I told her I would have to leave again in a week. There are some decisions that are impossible to make entirely with the brain, so I knew I was going to have to rely on my heart. I prayed for guidance, and I trusted that once I was with Reed again, that I would know what was going to be right for me to do.
Finally my decision was to go. When I decided on adoption, I knew there would be a time when I would need to continue on with my life. Staying in one place and lingering around him was never part of the plan. Even though I love Reed with all my heart, I’ve always known that the day would come when I’m away from him, and the reason why I chose Doug and Maura is because I trust that even then they will keep me as one of the key ingredients to their family and in Reed’s life. Also, I believe that what is good for me is good for Reed, and this job had too many benefits to pass up. I went through with the adoption for Reed, and I’m going on with my life for him, too. The way I see it is that this is the beginning of my life with him in it, the life I’m suppose to lead with my heart focused on him all the while. And with Reed being such an important part of the core of my life, shouldn’t I make the most of it? For me and for him? I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t making any sense; there is a lot of meat here that I’m just barely touching on, ideas my thoughts have been resting on for a while, since I first found out I was pregnant. It goes down to the core of why I chose adoption in the first place, and ideas of what really is best, what is best for whom, and what is considered selfish. I would like to hash out some of these thoughts, but I’ll have to save it for another time.
The rest of the week I had left I spent packing, getting rid of things and minimizing my life again, and enjoying the spring and all the blooms that have resulted from it. Bill and I went over to Reed's house for dinner on Wednesday night, and Saturday we had our adoption party, our celebration of Reed and our new roles in each others lives. We thought of having it when the adoption was actually official, but decided we should take the opportunity to have it now while we were all still together. Doug and Maura invited all of their friends and family to their house for the celebration, people who have been supporting them throughout their whole adoption process, and me and Bill since we first arrived in NC. Then on Monday, Bill and I met Doug, Maura and Reed at the airport to say goodbye. I cried lots of tears, and even though he was cranky from being smushed between my hugs with Maura, I couldn't get enough of holding my little boy. I said goodbye to Maura and Doug, to Reed, and finally to Bill. Now, as I'm sitting in a hotel room in Singapore, jet lagged and thinking about those people who have taken up so much real estate in my heart, I wonder what these next two years will bring. This is the real beginning of my life with Reed.
Monday, April 19, 2010
pics!
I can't just post a bunch of words, so here are some recent pictures of that gorgeous boy. There is a photojournalism student at UNC who has has been working on a project featuring Reed's adoption, and she has become a good friend and has taken some really great pictures. We've been lucky to have her around; we get our own personal photographer, and we like sharing our story with others, hoping it will touch or inspire at least someone.
My Latest Adventures
It's been a while since I've posted anything. In February it was because I was being lazy about it, and in March and April it's been because I've been in China and didn't have access to my blog page in such a heavily internet censored country. However I did write a few entries while I was there, so I'm posting them now in this one long post. It's kind of long, but it was really good for me to keep writing and processing. If you make it through them, hope you enjoy!
Saturday March 21, 2010
I am now in Zhuhai, China. I arrived yesterday, and will be here for the next 4 weeks getting my TEFL certification to teach English in other countries. I don’t even know if or when I’ll actually use the certification since I already have a job waiting for me in Vermont that is completely unrelated to teaching, but I think it would be nice to have something to stick in my back pocket and have it ready to pull out if the opportunity presents itself. Lately I’ve been all about keeping all of my options open, and since I’ve had this whole winter and spring season off from work, it’s the perfect time to take action to increase those possibilities by doing something like going to China for a month. I could have gone somewhere in New York, but with the cost of living and a more expensive class, it was actually cheaper for me to come all the way to China. Besides, why not go to China? I’d much rather be here than New York.
Anyway, so far I love it. I have 11 classmates ranging from 23 to 70 years old, mostly Chinese, American, and English. I’m staying in an apartment about a five minute walk from the school, so I get to walk through all sorts of shops and food vendors on the way. I won’t go into all the details now, but I wanted to get something down to get me started. Who knows what the next four weeks will hold!
Saturday March 27, 2010
Today was our first day off from classes. So far, every day our schedule has been class from 9am-5pm. I’ve loved being a student again and I’m loving everything about the class, but it was nice to have a break. So I took advantage of it by exploring the city with one of my other classmates and one of my teachers. The teacher has lived here for three years, so he had lots of useful information about which buses to take where, and where the best bakeries and street food carts are. Besides the thrill of exploring a new city in a different country, our teacher provided entertainment for me in and of himself. An Aussie ex-patriot, he has a colorful personality and coordinates his clothing to match it. Today he met us wearing purple and white tennis shoes that more closely resembled bowling shoes, a bright yellow jacket, and carried a shiny, red and purple, hard cased back pack. That, along with his long, gray mustache, ponytail, and vibrant Aussie accent, make him a novelty to be around. Even after three years he has never bothered to learn a lick of Mandarin (though to his credit he is fluent in Thai), but don’t think that stops him from interacting with as many people as he can. On the bus, at the bank, in an elevator, on the street, everywhere he goes he is talking to people, even though they have no idea what he is saying. “I can tell you’re a cheeky sausage, eh?” he says to a little boy on the bus who is staring at him. “And just where do you think you’re going?” he says with a laughing voice to girl who accidentally bumped into him at the crowded mall. The recipients of his comments, many times young children, usually can only stare back at him with a blank but amused expression.
The children here seem to have a very present role in the culture here in China. I see them everywhere, and not just being toted around by their mothers. The families seem to take more of an interest in their children and make them a part of their daily routine rather than just leave them in a daycare while the adults carry on with their business. Maybe that’s what triggered the dream I had last night about Reed. In the dream, he was about 4 years old, and we were at some sort of park with lots of other children and families around. We were playing and having so much fun, I remember he would climb on the monkey bars and then let go at the highest point so I could catch him. We were playing on the swings, in the sand pit, on the merry-go-round, running around, laughing, hugging and cuddling non-stop. Then it was time to say goodbye, and I couldn’t find the words to tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him how happy he makes me, how special he is to me, that I would always love him no matter what, that I always wanted to be a part of his life. But all that came out was a string of sounds that, while my heart understood perfectly what was being said, was audibly unintelligible to anyone else, especially to Reed.
Today as I was exploring the city and watching my instructor interact with children who had no idea what he was saying, I thought about the dream. I knew that in the dream Reed was too young to understand what was in my heart to tell him. I’ve thought about that before; that right now he has no idea how much I think about him and pray for him, how much my heart is overwhelmed by him. But then something else struck me. I realized that in the dream, all it was to him was a great play date. My emotions were all over the place because I was saying goodbye to him, but his primary emotion would start in just a moment… when he saw his mommy. Maura. That was why I was saying goodbye to him, because it was time for Maura to pick him up, and the second he saw her, his face would light up. He would run to her and all would be right once again in his little world. I don’t think that actually happened in the dream, but it’s one of those things that I just know was there. No matter how much I love him, Reed will always love Maura more than he will ever love me. (Hello ton of bricks.) I think I’ve known that in theory, but not in reality. I was looking through some of the pictures I have of him, and there are several of him snuggling close to Maura because that is where his safety and security is. I’m so thankful for the special bond between them, but I can’t help but acknowledge this new challenge of unconditional love: to completely love someone for the rest of my life, knowing that he will never completely love me back. I can’t compete with the love he has and will have for Maura, nor do I want to, it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. My hope (and plan) is that my consistent openness in relationship and communication with Reed will one day give him somewhat of an understanding, a peek into what I feel for him, what he means to me. Until then, I will love him entirely from afar. That is, I will love him entirely, and unconditionally.
Monday March 29th
After the last entry I wrote the other day, I’m taking a break from any heavy stuff. Right now I’m sitting in my bedroom in my flat, just enjoying the fact that I’m here. Bugs have somehow managed to forget that Zhuhai exists, so our flat always has windows and balcony doors open to let plenty of air in, as well as sounds from the city, smells from the street vendors, and castings of colored light from all the neon signs around. Tonight after class I went with a couple of classmates for dinner at a little barbecue stand. There was a table out in the open with a bunch of skewered items, of which we picked out what we wanted and handed them to the cook. He then grilled them and brought them to our little plastic table when they were finished. I stayed away from the chicken feet, but since that was the only thing I could identify, I had a whole meal of who-knows-what on a stick. Thankfully, they were all quite tasty. As the three of us sat in the open air talking, drinking beer and spitting out the bones of our mystery meat, I had one of those happy moments of “God I love my life.” While writing my last entry I went through nearly a whole roll of toilet paper because I was crying so much. But the crying still isn’t any indication of misery. I’m still so thankful for the reason for those tears, that I have a gorgeous son in my life. I think Reed’s introduction has made me love my life that much more, simply because he’s in it.
Sunday April 4th
Happy Easter! The only reason I know that it’s Easter is because Bill sent me an e-mail saying he was going over to Doug and Maura’s to partake in some Easter festivities; otherwise, there is absolutely no indication of it here in China. However this is a three day weekend, as tomorrow is a festival day having something to do with honoring ancestors, so everyone gets the day off to go visit their family graves. Tonight I was walking around exploring my little neighborhood, and I’ve become convinced that one could spend their whole life here without leaving a half mile radius. Everything is available here; shops selling everything you could think of (there’s even a kitchen sink shop!), repair shops, grocery stores, pharmacies, karaoke bars, plenty of noodle shops, barber shops, massage parlors and spas, bakeries, a vegetable market and a fish market, and plenty of street vendors selling everything from flowers to nuts to steel sponges to scrub your pots with. I’ve heard of people in big cities like New York that have never left their neighborhood and it always seemed unimaginable to me. But now I can understand how a person who works everyday so he or she doesn’t have much free time to spare, and has all the conveniences they need at their fingertips, wouldn’t really need to go far at all.
But here comes the best part of my night. First of all, I found the lady who makes the delicious Chinese pancakes I love so much. I’ve heard she often sells just around the corner from my apartment building, but I’ve never seen her. Tonight to my delight she was there, so I bought a fresh, hot pancake (which is actually more like a crisp, thin, flatbread with herbs and spices rolled into the dough before being smeared against the wall of a small, circular oven to cook), and then continued walking down the street in a direction I haven’t yet been. Several of the shops were starting to close, so the number of people was dramatically thinning out, but then I started to hear music so I kept on walking. Then I found out what the music was for. First of all, let me describe the walkways in Zhuhai; there’s the main road with cars zooming past and pedestrians playing their own version of the game Frogger trying to get across. Then on both sides of the road where the shops are, there is a smaller kind of road that is mostly for the many pedestrians meandering in and out of the shops, but also wide enough for cars to park in and pass through. So it’s kind of like a large sidewalk/street/small parking lot. Anyway, I was walking down one of these large areas towards the music, and in a dark section that looked like it was closed for the night, there was a DJ with huge speakers playing something with an Indian or Mid East kind of beat, and about 50 people or so were all dancing together. Some were young, some had children with them, most were older. Many were dancing in pairs, be it parent and child, husband and wife, or two women or two men dancing together. They all seemed to have deliberate steps they were trying to follow, but none of them were the same. The best part about it was that none of them were very good, it reminded me of a school dance in junior high with people stiffly shuffling about, staring at each other’s feet, wondering if they look cool or not. Except here people didn’t seem to care what they looked like. An old man was in the middle scooting around by himself, a pregnant woman was free flowing on the outskirts of the crowd. I loved it! The music changed to something more Asian sounding. Then, just as I had finished my yummy pancake, I saw an old, withered hand stretch out in front of me. I was being asked to dance! Of course I accepted the invitation, so I joined in with the other ‘kids’ and stared at my partners feet so I wouldn’t step on his toes, and shuffled around the dance floor/parking lot. We would shuffle erratically for a bit, he would spin me twice one way and then twice the other, give me a big, half toothed smile and a thumbs up, and then we would resume our shuffling. I wonder if that old man knows he made my night? After the song was over, I thanked him and then left just as a European song was being played. Just another thing I found to make me love this place.
Thursday April 15th 2010
Who knew I would end up having so much fun with this course? Certainly not me! I mean, I figured I’d love China, but the whole experience has been so incredibly fun for me. I’ve loved my classmates so much, we all get along so well that even after class is through for the day several of us end up hanging out in the classroom anyway. Ok we’re not just hanging out, there really is a lot of work we have to do. But still, we often talk about how much we love being there, and we don’t mind doing the work because we don’t mind being there anyway. I’ve also loved teaching, coming up with materials, being in front of the students and interacting with them, everything. I’ve been encouraged several times before to become a teacher and have always resisted it, but this seems to fit me like a glove. Even though I have a job waiting for me at a resort in Vermont for the summer, I’ve posted my resume on a couple of different places, just to see what happens. If it’s a good enough job, I just might be able to be tempted away from Vermont, but it would have to be a really good offer. The scary thing would be to be away from Reed for a whole year at a time. Like everything else, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens, while keeping all the doors open. In the meantime, I can’t wait to see my baby boy again! I’ll be flying out on Sunday, and hopefully see him on Monday. At that time, I’ll be able to post all of these blogs, and maybe do some processing. Until then, I’m keeping this one short… trying to avoid my tendency to ramble!
Saturday March 21, 2010
I am now in Zhuhai, China. I arrived yesterday, and will be here for the next 4 weeks getting my TEFL certification to teach English in other countries. I don’t even know if or when I’ll actually use the certification since I already have a job waiting for me in Vermont that is completely unrelated to teaching, but I think it would be nice to have something to stick in my back pocket and have it ready to pull out if the opportunity presents itself. Lately I’ve been all about keeping all of my options open, and since I’ve had this whole winter and spring season off from work, it’s the perfect time to take action to increase those possibilities by doing something like going to China for a month. I could have gone somewhere in New York, but with the cost of living and a more expensive class, it was actually cheaper for me to come all the way to China. Besides, why not go to China? I’d much rather be here than New York.
Anyway, so far I love it. I have 11 classmates ranging from 23 to 70 years old, mostly Chinese, American, and English. I’m staying in an apartment about a five minute walk from the school, so I get to walk through all sorts of shops and food vendors on the way. I won’t go into all the details now, but I wanted to get something down to get me started. Who knows what the next four weeks will hold!
Saturday March 27, 2010
Today was our first day off from classes. So far, every day our schedule has been class from 9am-5pm. I’ve loved being a student again and I’m loving everything about the class, but it was nice to have a break. So I took advantage of it by exploring the city with one of my other classmates and one of my teachers. The teacher has lived here for three years, so he had lots of useful information about which buses to take where, and where the best bakeries and street food carts are. Besides the thrill of exploring a new city in a different country, our teacher provided entertainment for me in and of himself. An Aussie ex-patriot, he has a colorful personality and coordinates his clothing to match it. Today he met us wearing purple and white tennis shoes that more closely resembled bowling shoes, a bright yellow jacket, and carried a shiny, red and purple, hard cased back pack. That, along with his long, gray mustache, ponytail, and vibrant Aussie accent, make him a novelty to be around. Even after three years he has never bothered to learn a lick of Mandarin (though to his credit he is fluent in Thai), but don’t think that stops him from interacting with as many people as he can. On the bus, at the bank, in an elevator, on the street, everywhere he goes he is talking to people, even though they have no idea what he is saying. “I can tell you’re a cheeky sausage, eh?” he says to a little boy on the bus who is staring at him. “And just where do you think you’re going?” he says with a laughing voice to girl who accidentally bumped into him at the crowded mall. The recipients of his comments, many times young children, usually can only stare back at him with a blank but amused expression.
The children here seem to have a very present role in the culture here in China. I see them everywhere, and not just being toted around by their mothers. The families seem to take more of an interest in their children and make them a part of their daily routine rather than just leave them in a daycare while the adults carry on with their business. Maybe that’s what triggered the dream I had last night about Reed. In the dream, he was about 4 years old, and we were at some sort of park with lots of other children and families around. We were playing and having so much fun, I remember he would climb on the monkey bars and then let go at the highest point so I could catch him. We were playing on the swings, in the sand pit, on the merry-go-round, running around, laughing, hugging and cuddling non-stop. Then it was time to say goodbye, and I couldn’t find the words to tell him how much I loved him. I wanted to tell him how happy he makes me, how special he is to me, that I would always love him no matter what, that I always wanted to be a part of his life. But all that came out was a string of sounds that, while my heart understood perfectly what was being said, was audibly unintelligible to anyone else, especially to Reed.
Today as I was exploring the city and watching my instructor interact with children who had no idea what he was saying, I thought about the dream. I knew that in the dream Reed was too young to understand what was in my heart to tell him. I’ve thought about that before; that right now he has no idea how much I think about him and pray for him, how much my heart is overwhelmed by him. But then something else struck me. I realized that in the dream, all it was to him was a great play date. My emotions were all over the place because I was saying goodbye to him, but his primary emotion would start in just a moment… when he saw his mommy. Maura. That was why I was saying goodbye to him, because it was time for Maura to pick him up, and the second he saw her, his face would light up. He would run to her and all would be right once again in his little world. I don’t think that actually happened in the dream, but it’s one of those things that I just know was there. No matter how much I love him, Reed will always love Maura more than he will ever love me. (Hello ton of bricks.) I think I’ve known that in theory, but not in reality. I was looking through some of the pictures I have of him, and there are several of him snuggling close to Maura because that is where his safety and security is. I’m so thankful for the special bond between them, but I can’t help but acknowledge this new challenge of unconditional love: to completely love someone for the rest of my life, knowing that he will never completely love me back. I can’t compete with the love he has and will have for Maura, nor do I want to, it’s just something I’m going to have to deal with. My hope (and plan) is that my consistent openness in relationship and communication with Reed will one day give him somewhat of an understanding, a peek into what I feel for him, what he means to me. Until then, I will love him entirely from afar. That is, I will love him entirely, and unconditionally.
Monday March 29th
After the last entry I wrote the other day, I’m taking a break from any heavy stuff. Right now I’m sitting in my bedroom in my flat, just enjoying the fact that I’m here. Bugs have somehow managed to forget that Zhuhai exists, so our flat always has windows and balcony doors open to let plenty of air in, as well as sounds from the city, smells from the street vendors, and castings of colored light from all the neon signs around. Tonight after class I went with a couple of classmates for dinner at a little barbecue stand. There was a table out in the open with a bunch of skewered items, of which we picked out what we wanted and handed them to the cook. He then grilled them and brought them to our little plastic table when they were finished. I stayed away from the chicken feet, but since that was the only thing I could identify, I had a whole meal of who-knows-what on a stick. Thankfully, they were all quite tasty. As the three of us sat in the open air talking, drinking beer and spitting out the bones of our mystery meat, I had one of those happy moments of “God I love my life.” While writing my last entry I went through nearly a whole roll of toilet paper because I was crying so much. But the crying still isn’t any indication of misery. I’m still so thankful for the reason for those tears, that I have a gorgeous son in my life. I think Reed’s introduction has made me love my life that much more, simply because he’s in it.
Sunday April 4th
Happy Easter! The only reason I know that it’s Easter is because Bill sent me an e-mail saying he was going over to Doug and Maura’s to partake in some Easter festivities; otherwise, there is absolutely no indication of it here in China. However this is a three day weekend, as tomorrow is a festival day having something to do with honoring ancestors, so everyone gets the day off to go visit their family graves. Tonight I was walking around exploring my little neighborhood, and I’ve become convinced that one could spend their whole life here without leaving a half mile radius. Everything is available here; shops selling everything you could think of (there’s even a kitchen sink shop!), repair shops, grocery stores, pharmacies, karaoke bars, plenty of noodle shops, barber shops, massage parlors and spas, bakeries, a vegetable market and a fish market, and plenty of street vendors selling everything from flowers to nuts to steel sponges to scrub your pots with. I’ve heard of people in big cities like New York that have never left their neighborhood and it always seemed unimaginable to me. But now I can understand how a person who works everyday so he or she doesn’t have much free time to spare, and has all the conveniences they need at their fingertips, wouldn’t really need to go far at all.
But here comes the best part of my night. First of all, I found the lady who makes the delicious Chinese pancakes I love so much. I’ve heard she often sells just around the corner from my apartment building, but I’ve never seen her. Tonight to my delight she was there, so I bought a fresh, hot pancake (which is actually more like a crisp, thin, flatbread with herbs and spices rolled into the dough before being smeared against the wall of a small, circular oven to cook), and then continued walking down the street in a direction I haven’t yet been. Several of the shops were starting to close, so the number of people was dramatically thinning out, but then I started to hear music so I kept on walking. Then I found out what the music was for. First of all, let me describe the walkways in Zhuhai; there’s the main road with cars zooming past and pedestrians playing their own version of the game Frogger trying to get across. Then on both sides of the road where the shops are, there is a smaller kind of road that is mostly for the many pedestrians meandering in and out of the shops, but also wide enough for cars to park in and pass through. So it’s kind of like a large sidewalk/street/small parking lot. Anyway, I was walking down one of these large areas towards the music, and in a dark section that looked like it was closed for the night, there was a DJ with huge speakers playing something with an Indian or Mid East kind of beat, and about 50 people or so were all dancing together. Some were young, some had children with them, most were older. Many were dancing in pairs, be it parent and child, husband and wife, or two women or two men dancing together. They all seemed to have deliberate steps they were trying to follow, but none of them were the same. The best part about it was that none of them were very good, it reminded me of a school dance in junior high with people stiffly shuffling about, staring at each other’s feet, wondering if they look cool or not. Except here people didn’t seem to care what they looked like. An old man was in the middle scooting around by himself, a pregnant woman was free flowing on the outskirts of the crowd. I loved it! The music changed to something more Asian sounding. Then, just as I had finished my yummy pancake, I saw an old, withered hand stretch out in front of me. I was being asked to dance! Of course I accepted the invitation, so I joined in with the other ‘kids’ and stared at my partners feet so I wouldn’t step on his toes, and shuffled around the dance floor/parking lot. We would shuffle erratically for a bit, he would spin me twice one way and then twice the other, give me a big, half toothed smile and a thumbs up, and then we would resume our shuffling. I wonder if that old man knows he made my night? After the song was over, I thanked him and then left just as a European song was being played. Just another thing I found to make me love this place.
Thursday April 15th 2010
Who knew I would end up having so much fun with this course? Certainly not me! I mean, I figured I’d love China, but the whole experience has been so incredibly fun for me. I’ve loved my classmates so much, we all get along so well that even after class is through for the day several of us end up hanging out in the classroom anyway. Ok we’re not just hanging out, there really is a lot of work we have to do. But still, we often talk about how much we love being there, and we don’t mind doing the work because we don’t mind being there anyway. I’ve also loved teaching, coming up with materials, being in front of the students and interacting with them, everything. I’ve been encouraged several times before to become a teacher and have always resisted it, but this seems to fit me like a glove. Even though I have a job waiting for me at a resort in Vermont for the summer, I’ve posted my resume on a couple of different places, just to see what happens. If it’s a good enough job, I just might be able to be tempted away from Vermont, but it would have to be a really good offer. The scary thing would be to be away from Reed for a whole year at a time. Like everything else, I guess I’ll have to wait and see what happens, while keeping all the doors open. In the meantime, I can’t wait to see my baby boy again! I’ll be flying out on Sunday, and hopefully see him on Monday. At that time, I’ll be able to post all of these blogs, and maybe do some processing. Until then, I’m keeping this one short… trying to avoid my tendency to ramble!
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