Revisiting Thailand

There are so many things I could have been writing about since I last entered anything into this blog, but time passes, procrastination happens, and then the things add up so much that I don’t even know where to begin.
After my visit to see Reed and everyone in Colorado which I wrote about in my last post, I got back to Singapore and hit the ground running. I moved from my tiny room in a condo unit to a ground floor room with an Indian family, jumped back into my normal working schedule, planned for the book club meeting that I facilitate every month, and prepared for the arrival of my dear friend Staci.
Staci and I met as roommates on the cruise ship we both worked on in Hawaii in 2007, and from the day we first boarded and met each other, we became fast friends. A year later, we took a road trip together from Oregon to Alaska where we worked in Denali National Park. A year after that in 2009 she was still in Alaska and I returned for my second summer of working there. I had just flown straight from Thailand where I had spent a month on vacation, where I found out I was pregnant. She picked me up at the airport and as soon as we got in the car I told her the news. “Well, I guess this won’t do you any good now,” said her boyfriend, tossing the wine bottle holder that they had gotten me as a gift into the back seat. We laughed and they both gave me their immediate support.

(Staci and me in Alaska, summer of 2008)

When she arrived in Singapore for her 3 week visit, it was the first time I had seen her since that summer in Alaska. We wanted to make the most of her first trip to Asia, so we booked a weekend in Bintan, a small Indonesian island that’s just a quick ferry ride from Singapore, and one to Krabi, Thailand.
Krabi is a special place for me, but I didn’t know how surreal it would be going back there. That was where Reed became real to me, his presence came into my life. In the spring of ’09, I was traveling through Thailand when I got sick, and stayed sick for the next 6 months. About two weeks into my trip, I realized I was pregnant, despite all my arguments with myself that I surely wasn’t. There was a snorkeling trip we took though, where I had come to accept the fact that I was, and as my mind was reeling and my face was underwater looking at these beautiful blue and yellow fish in clear turquoise waters, I thought, “I’m not alone, it’s not just me anymore. It’s you and me, baby, we’re doing this together.” They were my first thoughts towards Reed, the first of many words and thoughts I spoke to him.
After that snorkeling trip, I spent another week or so with him alone in my thoughts. Then I broke off from my traveling partner Rene (who, incidentally, will also soon be making a visit to Singapore!), and spent a couple of days alone on the beautiful beach of Railey, often considered one of the most stunning in all of Thailand. It was there, sitting on the beach at night digging my toes in the sand gazing out over the ocean, that I really spoke to Reed about where we were, what we were doing, and about adoption. From there I took a ferry to Krabi on the mainland, found a drugstore, and finally took a pregnancy test.

(Railay Beach Thailand)
Later, when I was in North Carolina going to birthing classes, we were coached to have an image or object to focus on through the contractions. I had chosen a print of a painting that someone had given to me that had special meaning for me, but when the time came and I was in the bathtub pushing through labor, my mind automatically went back to those clear, turquoise waters, those blue and yellow fish, surrounded by the tall rock walls jutting out of the water in a semi-circle to form a cove, and me telling him, “we’re doing this together, baby.”
So there I was, two years later, back in Krabi. I send a postcard to Reed from every place I visit, and I definitely wanted to send him one from there. I found a shop and looked for cards from Krabi, but then I found one of Railey Beach, and I knew I had to send that one. I sat down and thought about what to write to him, and was able to send it off immediately with tears in my eyes. Staci waited patiently for me, and then we were off to find some sunscreen. My thoughts were a bit distracted when I followed her into a drugstore, but as soon as we stepped in, I recognized it immediately. I pointed out to her the corner where the pregnancy tests were, and told her how I had to mime what I wanted to the non-English speaking woman behind the counter.
The next day, we went on a snorkeling trip. Not just any snorkeling trip, but you guessed it, the exact one from 2 years ago. Every spot was as beautiful as I remember it, and of course we went to Loh Samah Bay. So much came flooding back to me then, from my first acknowledgement of Reed up to his birth, all tied with this scene I was in. I put on my snorkeling mask, dipped my head in the water, saw the blue and yellow fish swimming around me, and started to cry. Have you ever tried crying into a snorkeling mask? It’s not easy! I would come up to take a breath and recollect, then dip my head back under and start bawling again. All of the feelings, amazement, fears, wonder and questions came barreling back, and I realized why that place, that moment was so special to me; that was when he was mine. All mine. I hadn’t told anyone about him, I hadn’t decided on adoption yet, no one knew about him, I wasn’t sharing him with anyone, he was all, completely, utterly, unquestionably mine. That may have been the only time he was really mine, that it was just him and me, because it didn’t take long for me to realize that he actually belonged to someone else, plus I wanted to share him with Bill as soon as I could. I wasn’t thinking this two years ago, but oh, that sweet, wonderful moment when he was mine…

(Loh Samah Bay, July 2011)
This of course begs the questions: Then do I wish he were still mine? Do I regret the adoption? Should he have been mine?
No, I do not think ‘yes’ to any of those. I think I will always struggle with the concept of loving him so much and yet not wanting to keep him. Yup, I said it, I didn’t want to keep him. This statement conjures up images of women dumping their babies in garbage bins, leaving them at friend’s houses for days at a time, abandoning them to whomever will take them off their hands. But I never said I didn’t want Reed in my life, that I wish he had never happened. Even before I took the pregnancy test, when I thought about the possibility of having a miscarriage or any other way to get out of being pregnant, my soul cringed and my heart cried out. Once he was there, I didn’t want him to not happen. And yes, it was beautiful when he was all mine, a feeling I’d never experienced before, a feeling I’m sure so many other mothers know well.
That’s the struggle, how do I reconcile those two seemingly opposing sides- that I love him dearly and deeply with everything I am, yet I didn’t (don’t) want to keep him? As Reed grows older and comes to understand more, how will he deal with the fact that his mother didn’t want to keep him? What about when he hears that I don’t regret placing him for adoption? These are all harsh questions I have to ask myself, and I don’t have answers for. In the video posted on this site made when I was still in NC, I read an excerpt from the journal entry I wrote after taking the pregnancy test, which said, “is it possible to truly love something that you don’t want to keep?” What didn’t make it in the cut of the video was the sentence I wrote immediately after, “I don’t know how it is possible, but my heart somehow tells me that it is. And now, it’s reality to prove it, and for my life to live it.” I may not know all the depths of how it works, but I am still able to confidently say that I am glad he belongs to Doug and Maura and that he was meant for them and not for me, even say that I am glad he is not with me, and at the same time profess my undying, unconditional, inexhaustible love for him while producing tears galore from missing and longing for him. Like I said, I don’t know how it works to fully love something you don’t want to keep. Maybe the beauty of it is that I don’t need to know, that I only need to listen to my heart that tells me it is. And my life is certainly proving it true.
The rest of Staci’s time in Singapore was wonderful and way too short, and my summer continued to get busier. My next post will come soon, with another project I was working on for the month of July that had to do with Reed.

Reed had his nine month birthday the day after I got back from Bali. I know it annoys some people when parents acknowledge every single month-birthday in the first couple of years of their child’s life, but I can’t help it. For me it’s another month of being without him, wondering what he’s doing, another month of me missing him. For Doug and Maura, it’s another month of watching in amazement how he’s growing, getting to know this little man who’s now a part of their family. Also, nine months of course marks this important milestone for me: Reed has now been with Doug and Maura longer than he was ever with me.

(Me, sipping tea and enjoying the view in Bali)
My week long vacation in Bali was amazing, but I thought about this upcoming nine month mark constantly. I was traveling with a friend, and I found myself trying hard not to talk about Reed all the time. He was always on my mind, I thought about him everywhere we went. I looked everywhere for a gift for him, but ended up getting nothing because I couldn’t decide on anything perfect enough for him (I’m going to have to work on that). I finally got him a postcard but even that took me forever to decide on; I wanted it to be the perfect postcard that he could look at later and be inspired by what is waiting for him out in the world. I thought about all the things I want for him in his life, how I don’t want him to be hindered by anything from seeking and living out his dreams, and how I want to live my life to be an inspiration to him. I think just being in Bali would have made me more introspective anyway, it’s just the kind of place that has that kind of effect. But with the impending nine-month mark and everything it meant to me, I was taken back to my days in Thailand, when I first found out about Reed, when it was just me and him hanging out on a beach, snorkeling, eating and eating and eating, and I would talk to him and sing to him and tell him about the kind of life we’re living now and the kind of life he’s going to have.

(Me -and Reed- in Thailand on a snorkling boat, April 2009)


(Reed and Doug at Doug's kiln)
Emotions about Reed have been running high for me lately. For starters, I finally bought my plane ticket back to the States to see him over Christmas. Just thinking about seeing him again after he’s changed so much brings on a flood of emotions! I have two weeks off for the holidays, but Doug and Maura have other family to visit, so they will only be in NC for one week of my vacation. I’ll only have one week to be with him, one week to get to know him all over again. That made the prospect of spending another week without him seem miserable to me. I had to get over that by thinking about the opportunity I’ll have to go to Texas to visit other friends and family that I love and cherish, a trip that I wasn’t planning on before. Other things that have brought up emotions are songs I’ve been hearing that I use to sing to Reed when I was pregnant in Alaska, being constantly surrounded by babies on the public transport system, even watching a movie preview. Seriously, have you seen the preview for the film “Babies?” It’s a film that follows the first year of the lives of four different babies from four different parts of the world. Just watching the trailer made me cry, thinking about all of the things I’m missing in the first year of Reed’s life.
But it’s not all depressing. For starters, this is what we planned. This is what I decided on. I have this life to live, and even with all the tears, I absolutely love it. I love being in Singapore, I love having all the free time I have with my incredibly easy job, I love the people I’ve met here, the exploring I get to do, the independence I get to have, being so closely surrounded by other countries with other cultures so completely different than my own, and having open doors of opportunities stretched out before me for seemingly endless miles. With a teachers schedule here, my year is sprinkled with one week vacations and I’m already planning out a list of different places I want to visit. I plan on taking every opportunity I can to make the most of my time here.
Another thing is that’s not depressing for me to think about at all is Reed’s life and the opportunities in his future. Doug and Maura told me from the very first conversation with me that “the more people that love a child, the better” and Reed has so many people who are head over heels in love with him. Doug and Maura of course want the very best for Reed and are doing everything they can to provide a spectacular life for him. And then there’s Bill and me, who hope to be inspiration, role models, and tools of encouragement for Reed to have everything he needs to make his life spectacular. I love and am excited for Reed’s life of possibilities just as much as my own.

(Maura and Reed- he's not walking yet but he's enjoying pulling people around!)

My History... Part 2

Let's see, where was I? Oh yes, Thailand. I took the pregnancy test. But before I took the test, as I said, I already knew I was pregnant. I'm not sure how I knew, maybe it was that all I wanted to eat was ice cream, watermellon, and Italian food. But I knew for about a week that I was pregnant before I took the test, and while I was in communication with plenty of people over e-mail (including Bill), I didn't want to say anything to him until after I had tangible proof. During that time though, I had a lot of time to think about what I was going to do. What were my options? I could keep the baby, but where? Where would I live? I already had a job in Alaska for the summer as a restaurant manager, with my room and board taken care of, which was a great opportunity to save all of my salary. Even though the job was only through the summer, I'd be nuts to change those plans, but I certainly wasn't planning on staying in Alaska to have a baby! By the time I was through with my Alaska gig, I'd be going into my third trimester, which would give me about 3 months to find a job with insurance (yep- no insurance. And can you tell me who would hire a 7 month pregnant woman? In the restaurant business?), and a house or somewhere to live, not to mention things to put in the house like a bed, or a sofa would be nice. Oh, and then there's the crib, high chair, bibs, clothes, and of course diapers galore, all in 3 months time! Would I have to move in with one of my parents? Become a 33 year old single mom who has to mooch off of her parents? The thought didn't exactly make me happy, to say the least. I couldn't even imagine staying in one place for longer than 6 months at a time.

Ok, so what about other options? Well, there is a way to make this all go away and no one would ever know about it... but that option lasted all of about one second for me. I would rather have the scars of stretchmarks than the emotional scars that an abortion would surely leave me with. Besides, I already loved this baby. There is still a chance I could miscarry... at that thought I instinctively clutched my stomach and said "No! You just stay put for a while and be safe and healthy, and I'll take care of you the best I can." I didn't want to miscarry, I didn't want this baby to just go away. I had already started talking and singing to him, wondering what he was going to look like, wondering about his future, thinking about holding him in my arms. Well, there's also the option of adoption. But could I really go through with something like that? Could I go through a whole pregnancy, knowing that I already love this child and will love him more every day as he grows inside of me, and then give him away? For him to be out of my life forever? Nope, can't do it. Now that I've created him, there's no way he's getting out of my life! I didn't know much about the specifics of adoption, but I had always been a fan and even thought that maybe some day if I ever met a person I wanted to have a family with, that I might rather adopt a child who needs a home than have my own child. Now that's a twist of fate, isn't it? All I knew was that I wasn't in a position to raise this child, but if I chose adoption, I would have to somehow find people who are crazy enough to let me be a part of this childs life, and their family, for the rest of my life. Essentially, they couldn't just adopt my baby, but they would have to consider me a part of the family as well. Who would be crazy enough to do that? A stable, two parent home is what my ideal would be for my child, but if that means that I have to be excluded, than I'll just have to find a way to make it work myself.

The research began. Every chance I got I would get on the internet to find out what adoption entailed, and started looking at prospective couples. I found a website, parentprofiles.com, and read some profiles and contacted some who seemed interesting, as well as some adoption agencies. I had already done this when I took the pregnancy test and then, after eating a large pizza by myself, was sitting at the computer trying to find the words to say to Bill. After typing and deleting three different times, I finally sent this message: "I'm pregnant. I've already contacted some adoption agencies, and I haven't told anyone else yet, not even Renee." That was it. Looking back at it now I suppose there were other ways to say it that would have eased his mind and heart a little, but nothing at the time seemed right. That was on May 9th, a day Bill says he'll never forget. The day before mothers day.

Bill was immediately supportive- and totally freaked out. In fact, the first sentence of his response was "Ok, I'm totally freaking out." But then he asked me if I needed anything, if there was anything he could do for me. He was in Utah spending time with his family and I was in Thailand, so there wasn't really anything I needed him to do. The only thing I needed from him was his response, and his support. The next day I met up with Renee again on another island where we had been planning to celebrate her birthday big time with a full moon party on the beach. I was hesitant to tell her only because it was her birthday and I didn't want to steal her thunder, but she was so worried about me that I had some kind of parasite that wouldn't go away, so I told her to ease her mind. She gave me a big hug and told me that she was there for me in any way that she could be.

I finally left Thailand a few days after that, and went straight to Alaska to begin my new job for the summer. I told my boss and my two assistant managers about it, so they would know why I was looking so green and why I might have to suddenly excuse myself from the room to either eat or throw up. About two weeks later I was able to see a doctor for the first time, a small town general practitioner who's office was in the same building as the fire department and the city hall. I knew he was certainly no specialist, but he'd have to do since the next nearest hospital was 2 hours away and I didn't even have a car. After all of my restaurant employees arrived and had been there for a few weeks, I finally told them as well, just as I was entering into my second trimester. I had worked with some of them the previous summer, so they were quite suprised to say the least. But even more than suprised, they were supportive too, and became a big source of support for me over the summer by always asking how I'm feeling, if I need anything, bringing food to me when I was in the office, and not letting me carry any large loads. Of course I told my family before I told my employees, but that's a whole different subject that I might go more into depth at a later time.

By then Bill and I had established regular e-mail communication. He had started his summer job as a private chef on a ranch in Colorado, and he didn't have cell phone reception so we had to stick with e-mail. We were both in agreement by then that adoption would be the best way to go, so I continued to pursue it. I had told him that I was going to look for someone who would let me continue to be a part of our child's life, and that I didn't want to exclude him from any part of this process if he didn't want to be excluded from it. I wanted him to be as involved as he could be, but at the same time I didn't want to pressure him into anything. I knew he was supportive of me, but I got the feeling that his thoughts and feelings were a big wreck when it came to this baby, and I could understand that.

While I was looking for the perfect parents for our baby, I came across several different couples who caught my attention. I contacted them and was honest from the very beginning, and laid out what kind of people I'm looking for, what kind of enviornment I want for my child, and that I want someone who will be willing to consider me an extended member of their family. Some people were very uncomfortable with the idea of such openness, and some didn't respond to me at all. But I found that there are actually several couples who are willing to consider such an open adoption, and that there are many, many wonderful people out there who are wanting to adopt. How could I choose between them all? Then I came across Doug and Maura's page. He was a potter and computer guy, she was a child therapist. They lived out in the woods in North Carolina where Doug had his own pottery studio. With my background being in social work (that's what I got my degree in) and pottery (I started on a masters degree in studio ceramics before I ran out of money ), I loved them immediately! I couldn't wait to talk to them, so I sent them an introductory e-mail about me and my situation, and was extatic when they responded so quickly. We communicated a little more over e-mail, and then set up a phone conversation. I can't remember how long we talked on the phone, but I do remember that the only reason we stopped was because I had to let them go so I could get something to eat. I felt such a strong connection to them, and they seemed to be everything I was looking for. Following e-mails and phone conversations only added to that feeling, and finally I was ready to tell them that they were my choice for my baby's parents. I had already sent Bill copies of our e-mail communication and told him all about them, and that I was ready to tell them about my decision. I wanted his imput in the matter, but he said that he was behind whatever I decided and they seemed like good people.

Upon hearing the news, Doug and Maura were so excited, and planned a trip to come meet me in Alaska. Their sudden vacation was a blast for them, and for me it just confirmed every good and postitive feeling I had about them. They were so easy to talk to, were very open minded, down to earth, positive people. We asked each other all sorts of questions about our families and past experiences, as well as talked about plans for the future. And when I was able to schedule an ultrasound in Fairbanks, they extended their stay another day so they could drive me up there. They were in the room with me when we found out I was having a boy- they were going to have a son!

My past nomadic history: part I

32 weeks and counting. I thought I'd use this entry to explain a little more about myself, to give a little more of my history. In the summer of 2005, I left Texas where I had lived my whole life, and went to North Carolina to work at a girls camp as a pottery instructor. I had already worked there two summers previously and absolutely loved it, so my plan was to do it again, and then go back to Texas. But during that summer, I started re-evaluating that plan, and for a variety of different reasons, going back to Texas seemed less and less appealing. I can list off some of those reasons, and I can list off plenty of reasons why I really wanted to go back, but the deciding factor was that I had this terrible gut feeling every time I thought about making plans to be back there. It really threw me off; I had wonderful friends and family there, I was surrounded by people who loved me, my whole life was there. But I found that every time I thought about going back, I would get this nauseous feeling in my stomach. I couldn't explain it, but I just didn't feel right about going back.

So I didn't. Instead, I got a job at Zion National Park in Utah, at the lodge there waiting tables. At first I hated that I was waiting tables again, after all I had a college degree and I was actually suppose to be doing something with my life, right? But what I soon realized was that when I was there in the canyon, working in the restaurant, living in the employee housing, having minimal possessions with me, needing minimal possessions, and meeting so many interesting people who would teach me lessons I didn't even know I needed to learn, is that I actually enjoyed waiting tables, and that this life style seemed to fit me like an old pair of jeans. I knew I couldn't go back now. So at the end of my few months stay in Zion, I went back to Texas for a week, sold everything I had that wouldn't fit into my two duffel bags (with the exception of a few boxes of pictures and keepsakes that are in my mothers garage), and then went off to Hawaii to work on a cruise ship. The cruise ship gig ended perfectly in time for me to return to the camp in NC again the next summer, and since I loved Zion so much I went there again after camp. Then back onto the cruise ship in Hawaii, and then to camp again. I didn't want to get stuck in a rut, so I tried something new after that summer of 2007, and I went to San Diego. I stayed there for about 4 months and absolutely loved it, but then I got a job for the winter at a ski resort in Colorado. It was great- I skied to work every day! The next summer, still changing it up, I went to Denali National Park in Alaska instead of going back to the camp, and then for the fall season I went to Olympic National Park on the Washington peninsula. And then back to Colorado for the next winter, which brings us up to the winter of '08-'09.

I was loving it. I had a great job as a restaurant manager, and had another one lined up for the summer again in Alaska. While in Colorado, I worked very closely with our chef, and the professional relationship evolved into something more. However at the end of the winter season, we knew we were going our separate ways, so we wished each other the best and parted as good friends, still planning on keeping in touch. He went on his way to visit his family before his summer job as a private chef on a ranch, and I went on a much anticipated, month long vacation to Thailand before beginning my job in Alaska.

I spent two days in Seattle and two days in Korea before I finally got to Thailand where I met up with my friend and fellow nomad, Renee. I had met Renee on the ship in Hawaii, and she was one of the people who convinced me to come out to Alaska the past summer. I in turn had convinced her to come to Colorado with me for the winter, and we had planned the trip to Thailand together. We were in Bangkok for two days, and on the second day were getting ready to leave to travel north by train to Chang Mai. While we were waiting at the hotel for the taxi, I started to not feel so good. By the time we left the hotel I had already ejected in some form or another everything I had eaten in what seemed like the past year, and continued to do so for the next 12 hours on the train. What a vacation this was turning out to be! The vomiting finally let up, but in the following days I still didn't feel so well. And I was really tired all the time. As we continued to travel around I had some good days, but I never really felt that well. It was never as bad as that first horrific night on the train, but after two weeks of the blahs, we were looking up every kind of traveling sickness we could find. Then one morning I woke up and it just hit me: "Oh My God I'm Pregnant!"

What the #$%^&*()_&^%$#@!@#$%^&*???????!!!!!!!!!!!??????????? How could this have happened? Surely it can't be! Bill and I had been very careful; we had even talked about the fact that neither of us wanted kids! What am I going to do? I can't raise a child- I don't even have a home! Renee and I were in Phuket, a super touristy beach island in south Thailand. I had already been planning to get away for a couple of days to spend some time by myself, so I went to a nearby island with lots of gorgeous scenery and very few people around. I spent the days there contemplating the situation, and as soon as I got back to the mainland where there were drug stores, I bought a pregnancy test. By then I didn't even have a reaction when it came back positive, I already knew. I went straight to an internet cafe to tell unsuspecting Bill the news.

I know this is becoming a pretty long story, so I'll leave here with a 'To Be Continued...."