Things in October, and the Great Wide Open video

Significant events this month:

*Reed turned 10 months old on 10/13/10

*I turned 34 years old on 10/10/10

*I was able to celebrate my birthday with Bill by going on a snorkeling trip to Malaysia



*Today marks the longest I have lived in one place (175 days) since May of 2005 when I began this nomadic lifestyle.

I wanted to share a short video that was made by a friend at UNC who has an interest in adoption stories. She heard about us while I was still in North Carolina and asked if she could focus one of her assignments for her photo journalism class on us. We think she did a great job!

The Great Wide Open from Elena Rue on Vimeo.

"But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips." -The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran

Reed had his nine month birthday the day after I got back from Bali. I know it annoys some people when parents acknowledge every single month-birthday in the first couple of years of their child’s life, but I can’t help it. For me it’s another month of being without him, wondering what he’s doing, another month of me missing him. For Doug and Maura, it’s another month of watching in amazement how he’s growing, getting to know this little man who’s now a part of their family. Also, nine months of course marks this important milestone for me: Reed has now been with Doug and Maura longer than he was ever with me.

(Me, sipping tea and enjoying the view in Bali)
My week long vacation in Bali was amazing, but I thought about this upcoming nine month mark constantly. I was traveling with a friend, and I found myself trying hard not to talk about Reed all the time. He was always on my mind, I thought about him everywhere we went. I looked everywhere for a gift for him, but ended up getting nothing because I couldn’t decide on anything perfect enough for him (I’m going to have to work on that). I finally got him a postcard but even that took me forever to decide on; I wanted it to be the perfect postcard that he could look at later and be inspired by what is waiting for him out in the world. I thought about all the things I want for him in his life, how I don’t want him to be hindered by anything from seeking and living out his dreams, and how I want to live my life to be an inspiration to him. I think just being in Bali would have made me more introspective anyway, it’s just the kind of place that has that kind of effect. But with the impending nine-month mark and everything it meant to me, I was taken back to my days in Thailand, when I first found out about Reed, when it was just me and him hanging out on a beach, snorkeling, eating and eating and eating, and I would talk to him and sing to him and tell him about the kind of life we’re living now and the kind of life he’s going to have.

(Me -and Reed- in Thailand on a snorkling boat, April 2009)


(Reed and Doug at Doug's kiln)
Emotions about Reed have been running high for me lately. For starters, I finally bought my plane ticket back to the States to see him over Christmas. Just thinking about seeing him again after he’s changed so much brings on a flood of emotions! I have two weeks off for the holidays, but Doug and Maura have other family to visit, so they will only be in NC for one week of my vacation. I’ll only have one week to be with him, one week to get to know him all over again. That made the prospect of spending another week without him seem miserable to me. I had to get over that by thinking about the opportunity I’ll have to go to Texas to visit other friends and family that I love and cherish, a trip that I wasn’t planning on before. Other things that have brought up emotions are songs I’ve been hearing that I use to sing to Reed when I was pregnant in Alaska, being constantly surrounded by babies on the public transport system, even watching a movie preview. Seriously, have you seen the preview for the film “Babies?” It’s a film that follows the first year of the lives of four different babies from four different parts of the world. Just watching the trailer made me cry, thinking about all of the things I’m missing in the first year of Reed’s life.
But it’s not all depressing. For starters, this is what we planned. This is what I decided on. I have this life to live, and even with all the tears, I absolutely love it. I love being in Singapore, I love having all the free time I have with my incredibly easy job, I love the people I’ve met here, the exploring I get to do, the independence I get to have, being so closely surrounded by other countries with other cultures so completely different than my own, and having open doors of opportunities stretched out before me for seemingly endless miles. With a teachers schedule here, my year is sprinkled with one week vacations and I’m already planning out a list of different places I want to visit. I plan on taking every opportunity I can to make the most of my time here.
Another thing is that’s not depressing for me to think about at all is Reed’s life and the opportunities in his future. Doug and Maura told me from the very first conversation with me that “the more people that love a child, the better” and Reed has so many people who are head over heels in love with him. Doug and Maura of course want the very best for Reed and are doing everything they can to provide a spectacular life for him. And then there’s Bill and me, who hope to be inspiration, role models, and tools of encouragement for Reed to have everything he needs to make his life spectacular. I love and am excited for Reed’s life of possibilities just as much as my own.

(Maura and Reed- he's not walking yet but he's enjoying pulling people around!)

'Support From Professionals' Discussion

This is a discussion that was started on a site called 'Open Adoption Roundtable,' a forum for anyone who has been a part of open adoption. I can't tell you how much I appreciated the posts I read from this site when I was still pregnant, and now as I continue my relationship with my new family through Reed's adoption, it continues to be helpful and insightful. My post isn't nearly as interesting as some of the other experiences I've read about, but I'm thankful that I don't have any major horror stories to write about.

We each interacted with at least one professional during the adoption process (agency, lawyer, facilitator, consultant, hospital social worker, etc.). What was one thing that they did that was most supportive of open adoption? What one thing was least supportive?

There were probably as many different reactions to my decision on adoption as there were emotions I had about being pregnant. I'm not talking about professionals just yet, I'm talking about friends, families, co-workers, strangers, those were the people I was around. The only professional I saw of any kind for the first 6 months of my pregnancy was the general practitioner in the small town in the middle of Alaska whom I went to for my monthly checkups during the summer I was there. Once I met Doug and Maura through parentprofiles.com and we started making plans towards adoption, they put me in touch with IAC, the adoption agency they were using that was very supportive of open adoptions, and I talked to someone once on the phone and a couple of times through e-mail while I was still in Alaska. I know that doesn't seem like much, but I had already found the adoptive parents of my dreams, and we had already started building the foundations of our open relationship. I moved to NC where Doug and Maura were at the beginning of my third trimester and finaly met a representative from the IAC in person, and met with her once on my own, once with Bill, and once with Bill, Doug and Maura.

From the professional side of things, I had some very positive support, especially once I moved to NC where my son's soon to be adoptive parents were. The midwives at the birth-center were wonderful in respecting my wishes for my birth plan, which included Bill, Doug and Maura, my friend Shelley and sister Kathryn all present during the birth. But perhaps the most helpful thing that I experienced was how careful the IAC was to not push any kind of decision onto me or Bill. I already knew what path I wanted to take, but the IAC still assured me that even if I change my mind, or if Bill changed his, then they would support us no matter what decision we made. Our counselor never referred to our adoption as though it were a done deal while I was still pregnant, and she gave us lots of information on what our options were if we decided against it. I knew Reed was suppose to be part of Doug and Maura's family, I couldn't have been more sure of my decision to complete their dreams through adoption. And the four of us had already done most of the work in crafting our own unique plan of openness and how we wanted to be a part of each others lives. While the IAC did help us put that plan onto paper and offered helpful insights into how to go about designing the kind of openness we wanted, it sure helped knowing that no one was pushing me in any way, and it was all completely my own free will to go through with it.

As far as what was not supportive, well, I'm happy to say that on my end as a birth mother there was not a single professional that I encountered that was not helpful. When I told people my plan for an open adoption, there were no raised eyebrows from the midwives at the birth center, or even from the instructor or other couples in the birthing class that I went to (accompanied by Bill, Doug, Maura, and Shelley- Team Rachel). I'm so thankful for the professionals that I worked with as well as the people in my life that were constantly showing their support for me (as well as for Bill, Doug and Maura and our relationship together), because I needed them all the more when I also had to deal with the instances of judgement and criticism.

You can read more responses from birth parents and adoptive parents here.

Dreaming Of The Future, Missing The Now

Grandparents are awesome. What a life they must have! Their grandchildren adore them, their kids finally appreciate them and respect them. Today as I was walking home from work, my random thoughts wandered over to the greatness of grandparents. Let me attempt to explain my thought process: I had a mental image of an elderly couple, surrounded by their children and their grandchildren, all happily together. Yup, I thought, getting old can’t be that bad when you’re surrounded by people you love. Ah, but there’s a catch, I realized. A grandparent has to put in the time with having kids to actually become a grandparent. Which then creates a dilemma, how do I become a grandparent if I don’t have a family of my own? Oh, but I DO have a family of my own! Have I just solved the problem of becoming a grandparent without having kids? Amazing!
Again, I want to stress that I’m not exactly against me having children in the future, if the situation called for it. I love kids, I work with them every day and they are a constant source of laughter, frustration, joy, delight, and learning. But when I do think about the future and what I want out of life, children are not on my list. I could easily see Reed being the only child I have, and for now I’m ok with that.


I’m not really good at thinking so far into the future though. For me, thinking ahead is knowing I’m going to be leaving one place in a couple of months, and so I plan ahead to where I’ll go next. The most I’ve ever thought about my long term future is in regards to my health and my desire to take care of myself now, doing my best to avoid becoming prematurely cancerous and brittle. Reed has added in a point of longevity to my thinking. I love thinking about when I’ll see him next, in December just after his first birthday. How much he will have changed! I love thinking about my subsequent visits, imagining us playing together, or thinking of silly jokes to tell him, or those precious opportunities I want to have to read to him before his bedtime or sing to him as he’s falling asleep. You have to understand that this is all new to me. Even just thinking about being in Singapore for two years is still taking some getting use to. I’m finding myself already looking at job opportunities and flight tickets, and I’ve only been here 3 months. This is the first time in a long time that the 3 month mark hasn’t come with the need to start sending out resumes and searching flights. With Reed, it’s easy for me to think ahead five or ten years or even longer. I was smiling from ear to ear when I thought about him making me a grandparent. My next mental image was years and years in the future, me sitting around with Doug and Maura at a family reunion of sorts, Reed with his lovely wife and lovely children running around with the rest of the extended family, all of us beaming as we’re watching this unique family we’ve created together. (And yes, I am fully aware now why my parents are always wondering if I’m ever going to ‘settle down.’ Luckily, since I’m the middle child out of five, they have other chances to become grandparents. My brother already has 3 kids, and I’ve made it clear that Reed IS their grandson, and that I hope they can have that relationship with him some day. Also, I’m fully aware that Reed may not ever want to get married or have children of his own- maybe it will run in the family?- or maybe he will find his own unique situation instead of the cookie cutter family that was in my daydream, and I will still be happy with whatever he brings into my life.)

The point of it all is, I now have people that will be in my life forever. Bill will be in my life forever. That’s a bit more difficult to think about since Bill’s life is almost as unpredictable as mine, but we are both committed to being able to share our lives with Reed and each other.

Meanwhile, Reed is growing and changing now, which is being witnessed everyday by Doug and Maura. All I have are my memories of the past and visions of the future, but they have his every day. This becomes hard at times for me to deal with, especially as I’m watching my little students (mostly 4-6 years old) interacting with their parents, their faces lighting up when they get out of class to see that their mommy or daddy is waiting to catch them in their arms. I have to make it a point not to think about Reed at work. Then there’s the mall, or the supermarket, or the bus or subway, or practically anywhere, where parents and children are sharing their every day’s together. Even when they are being naughty and the parent is exasperated, I sigh and think about how precious that every day moment is, that moment that I’m not sharing with my son.

Pictures certainly help with that. I may imagine a lot about Reed in the future(even up to the point of being a grandparent to his children- yikes!), but pictures help me see him for what he is now, what I'm missing. If I had my way, there would be a constant steady stream of snapshots being taken throughout the day at the Dotson household so I could witness as much of Reed’s days as I possibly could. I also know it’s a lot easier for me to wish for that then for a hard working and sleep deprived new mommy and daddy to send photos every day. Eventually I’ll have to get a web cam so I can communicate on skype, that will ease my heart a little.

Joy and Pain

I’ve always had very vivid dreams, sometimes they’re random and hilarious (like when I dreamt that Edward Norton was trying to break me out of a prison and my prison “uniform” was made entirely out of pork chops and bananas), sometimes they’re very telling of my fears, insecurities, and what is really going on in my heart (like one that I described in a previous blog). But recently my dreams have been just plain fun. One involved Bill and I hanging out with Reed and spending a whole day together, and the other was Reed and I hanging out and having a good time, but we both thought something was missing so we went and got Maura and we were all really happy.

Most of the time when Reed wanders his way into my dreams, he’s older, about 4 years old or so. Perhaps it’s because I know that the next time I’ll see him will be in the future, when he’s already walking and starting to use his own baby-speak. Or perhaps it’s because I want so much to be able to communicate with him, and I know that I’ll have to wait until he’s older to do that. Well, when I woke up from the dream I was having on Sunday morning on his 6 month birthday, I smiled at the thought of getting to know my little boy. But then I thought of him as he is now, and I suddenly felt a huge emptiness because my son is 6 months old and I don’t even know how many teeth he has! It reminded me of how much I don’t know about my son now, and how much I miss him terribly.

Sometimes I want nothing more than to see him and hold him, hang out with him and watch him grow, and be his mommy. Then at other times I think that he was so specifically made for Doug and Maura, so much so that he almost looks like them. As much as it hurts me to be away from him, I think he really was made to be Doug and Maura’s son.

But he’s MY son! part of me uncontrollably cries out. The thing is though, is that the ‘but’ in that exclamation doesn’t have any part of this. Yes he is my son, he will always be my son, and there is no changing that. And yes he was made for Doug and Maura. As jealous as I am of their life with him, if I could go back in time to change anything I wouldn’t do it. Maura wondered aloud to me one time if I was jealous of her being Reed’s mommy. I told her of course I was, but I chose her to be jealous of and I’m glad I did. I can’t imagine Reed not having them, there is no doubt that he belongs with them.

This however has no effect in diminishing how much I miss him. In a conversation with one of my sisters (who is adamantly against the adoption but seems to be accepting what is reasonably well) before I left for Singapore, that there was going to be pain no matter what I chose to do with Reed. Both of us would have known certain kinds of pain as a result of my decision to keep him if I had done so, and both of us will know different kinds of pain as a result of the adoption (maybe I’ll touch on this topic more in a different post). After I told her that it was going to be really hard on me to leave Reed when I went to Singapore, she said that I didn’t have to choose a path that caused so much pain. The way I look at it, since pain was going to be inevitable, I chose the path with the most joys.

And joys have certainly been a part of this journey. Needless to say, Doug and Maura are getting to experience the joy of Reed in their lives every day. I wonder if he’ll ever fully realize how much of a dream come true he is for them? And he has brought untold joy to mine and Bill’s life as well. Bill tells me that at times of frustration, all he has to do is think about Reed. The last couple of weeks that Bill was in NC before going to his summer job in CO he was able to stay with Doug and Maura in their extra studio apartment by their house. When I talked to him on the phone, his first words were, “Reed is SO cool!!!”

For me, Reed has brought so many joys that I didn’t think I ever wanted or would ever have. I still look at the pictures of my labor and his birth with an uncontrollable smile. It was nothing short of wonderful with everyone as involved as they were. I still remember the sensation of feeling him move around inside of me, the most wonderful physical feeling I’ve ever experienced in my life. And now seeing pictures of him, seeing how happy he has made so many people around him and how happy he is makes it all worth any kind of pain that comes with the territory. Reed has made me so happy, but so have Doug, Maura, their family, and Bill. Pain will continue to come, I’m sure of it. But so will the joy.

And with perfect timing, in the middle of writing this post, I checked my e-mail and read an update from Maura. Here’s most of the e-mail:

Hi Bill and Rachel,

We thought of you both a lot this weekend. The IAC [the adoption agency we went through] picnic was Saturday and then yesterday was Reed's 6 month birthday, of course. I hope sometime we'll be able to go to the picnic together. It was a hot, but very nice event - so much fun to see new and old families created through adoption, meet people who we'd been rooting for via internet, see so many babies and kids thriving, etc. There were a few birth families present which was great, but it would have been nice if there were more. Jen, the woman you met at the dog park in chapel Hill, was there with her family too! [When I met Jen at the park I was still pregnant and I ended up telling her about our open adoption plans. That really resonated with her and her husband who had initially been thinking about international adoption, and shortly after they contacted the IAC and started their own process.] They just finished all of their paperwork and their home study is almost complete. They are excited to be done with all that and are optimistic about matching with someone soon.

Meanwhile Doug's parents were here looking at houses in the area so Reed got some extra grandparent time and Marli [his 1.5 year old cousin] time - which he loves! It was nice to celebrate Reed's birthday with so many family around. We didn't exactly have a party, but we sang happy birthday to him (which he gets very excited about), told him his birth story again, and played and doted on him like we always do, which still feels so celebratory every day.

. . . . .

She also told me he has 3 teeth. :)

Mothers Day

Last Sunday I celebrated my very first Mothers day. If at any other point in my life someone had asked me how I would imagine me celebrating Mothers Day if that day were to come, there's no way I could have predicted the answer: by myself in a bar in Singapore. Ok, it's not really as depressing as it sounds. I actually had a good day. I treated myself to sleeping in, reading, going to the gym, and then getting dressed up to take myself out to dinner. I chose to go to The Long Bar, one of Singapore's oldest and most famous bars that has seen the likes of Charlie Chaplin and other back in the day celebrities. I sat at a woven bamboo table under big leaf shaped fans, sipped on some cool white wine, munched on peanuts and threw the shells on the ground, and ordered a delicious seafood appetizer. I also brought along a notebook to start working on something that has been in my head for a while; a children's story about all of the adventures that Reed and I had together when I was pregnant with him. I enjoyed reflecting on my time with him, and thinking about being in Colorado, Thailand, Alaska, and North Carolina during my pregnancy made me smile.

I'm not going to elaborate too much on it, but I think I've been getting a better grasp on what it means to be Reed's mother. It seems like a simple concept, but in the world of adoption, it could mean so many things. As I've reflected and searched my heart, I've uncovered some insecurities I've had about being his mother, as though just because the law says I have no rights to him, that I have to be careful not to get too close to him or interfere with his family's life. I shared these thoughts more in depth with Bill and Maura, and I think all of us were surprised to learn they were there. Doug and Maura have never given me any kind of reason to doubt that they were in full support of my relationship with Reed, and have always been clear that they wanted me and Bill to have as much of a relationship with Reed and their whole family as we possibly could. Maybe it was from my own previous ideas about what adoption is that planted those thoughts in me, or maybe it's from a few conversations I've had with others who have suggested I need to step back and let Maura and Doug be able to parent Reed without having me in the way, and then I should re-surface in about a year or so. I've never agreed during those conversations, but I can't pretend that the thought didn't cross my mind when I was considering moving to Singapore.

I've always known that a traditional closed or even a semi-open adoption would not do for me, but I'm realizing that my ideas of openness are still tainted with ideas of what adoption has been in the past, or for other people. I'm finding hidden thoughts and attitudes that I didn't even realize I had that have told me that I have to be an outsider looking in on Reed's life. However, I'm also realizing more and more that I can erase those ideas, and follow what is right for our own situation, not what is dictated by the law or the past history of adoption. I also want to continue to uncover and face any thoughts and feelings I have towards the adoption, because I want nothing to get in the way of a wonderful relationship with my son and our new family.

Again, there is soooooooooo much more I could write about this, but I'm keeping it relatively short. I do want to give props to an interview I read on an open adoption website though, between an adoption worker and an anti-adoption adoptee blogger named Weaver. There were many things Weaver said that I didn't agree with, but her perspective as someone who is adopted and is now adamantly against it is what uncovered these hidden thoughts and attitudes I had in my heart. I'm thankful for everyone who has been able to share their adoption stories so we can all learn from each other.

A side note: I keep trying to add some links on to my page, such as the one with the interview, as well as some other bloggers who have experience with open adoption, but I'm having trouble with it. I think it's under the User Error category. Hopefully I'll be able to get it straightened out soon, but until then, a blog called Amstel Life has been particularly interesting for me to read, since it's from a young lady with a daughter who was adopted a few years ago. They seem to have a great open relationship, and it's been great for me to read about it.

My new life begins

Here’s a quick update on my life:

I’m now in Singapore. I know, I know, I just got back from China, right? And what about that job I was suppose to start in Vermont? And how the heck did I suddenly end up in Singapore? The Friday before I left China, the last day of my class, I had an interview with a program in Singapore via web-cam that teaches children how to read in English, and it went really well. I liked what I heard about the job, but I would need to start on May 3rd, only two weeks away from when I interviewed. I left China the next Saturday, spent the night in Hong Kong and flew home from there on Sunday, arriving back in North Carolina Sunday night. I needed to make a decision by Monday evening, so I had a lot of thinking to do. How does one make a decision like that? Did I mention that the job included a two year commitment? Two years!!! In the last five years, I haven’t been anywhere longer than 6 months, so that’s a big deal for me even without thinking about being away from Reed for that long. During the interview I made sure that I would have enough vacation time to come back to the U.S. more than just once. These were my two main thoughts: on one hand, Reed is only 4 months old, and right now he doesn’t know if I come or go. His whole world revolves around Maura, and even in a couple of years from now, it’s Maura and Doug who are going to be the light of his world. If I were to do something like this, maybe now would be the ideal time to do it. Not that I’ve ever felt like I was in the way, or that Doug and Maura have ever wished I weren’t so close, but maybe it would be a good thing for them if they had this time where I stepped back. On the other hand, I don’t ever want there to be a time when I’m not in Reed’s life. I never want it to not be a big deal if I go for several months or a whole year without seeing him. I’m not saying that that will never happen, but there better be a really good reason for it if it does. So if I don’t want that to be a trend, would it be wise for me to start out the first two years of his life with me being so far away? I know I have vacation time, but what if something comes up and I’m not able to take it?

I knew I couldn’t make the decision to accept the position or not while I was still in China, I had to be back home, with Reed and all the people there who are important to me, to give me some grounding in my decision. Bill and I went to see Reed and Maura on Monday, and I told her about the offer. Her jaw dropped, especially after I told her I would have to leave again in a week. There are some decisions that are impossible to make entirely with the brain, so I knew I was going to have to rely on my heart. I prayed for guidance, and I trusted that once I was with Reed again, that I would know what was going to be right for me to do.

Finally my decision was to go. When I decided on adoption, I knew there would be a time when I would need to continue on with my life. Staying in one place and lingering around him was never part of the plan. Even though I love Reed with all my heart, I’ve always known that the day would come when I’m away from him, and the reason why I chose Doug and Maura is because I trust that even then they will keep me as one of the key ingredients to their family and in Reed’s life. Also, I believe that what is good for me is good for Reed, and this job had too many benefits to pass up. I went through with the adoption for Reed, and I’m going on with my life for him, too. The way I see it is that this is the beginning of my life with him in it, the life I’m suppose to lead with my heart focused on him all the while. And with Reed being such an important part of the core of my life, shouldn’t I make the most of it? For me and for him? I wouldn’t be surprised if this isn’t making any sense; there is a lot of meat here that I’m just barely touching on, ideas my thoughts have been resting on for a while, since I first found out I was pregnant. It goes down to the core of why I chose adoption in the first place, and ideas of what really is best, what is best for whom, and what is considered selfish. I would like to hash out some of these thoughts, but I’ll have to save it for another time.

The rest of the week I had left I spent packing, getting rid of things and minimizing my life again, and enjoying the spring and all the blooms that have resulted from it. Bill and I went over to Reed's house for dinner on Wednesday night, and Saturday we had our adoption party, our celebration of Reed and our new roles in each others lives. We thought of having it when the adoption was actually official, but decided we should take the opportunity to have it now while we were all still together. Doug and Maura invited all of their friends and family to their house for the celebration, people who have been supporting them throughout their whole adoption process, and me and Bill since we first arrived in NC. Then on Monday, Bill and I met Doug, Maura and Reed at the airport to say goodbye. I cried lots of tears, and even though he was cranky from being smushed between my hugs with Maura, I couldn't get enough of holding my little boy. I said goodbye to Maura and Doug, to Reed, and finally to Bill. Now, as I'm sitting in a hotel room in Singapore, jet lagged and thinking about those people who have taken up so much real estate in my heart, I wonder what these next two years will bring. This is the real beginning of my life with Reed.